It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.
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It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless puppets to carry out my wishes, not to display any sort of initiative or independence what-so-ever!

However, once I had demoted my Director of Marketing to boot-black, I began to see that the idea had some merit. A supreme plenipotentiary of advertising would be extremely use-ful, after all, particularly if the man in question had the courage and backbone to kowtow to our advertisers at every opportunity, bravely sacrificing our journalistic standards to the slightest whim of any distiller, fried-meat purveyor, or slattern-clothier with enough capital to purchase space on our back page. That, if you ask me, is the sort of flexible, biddable leader this Republic is begging for!

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that we have hired Hammond Morris, lickspittle without peer, the living embody-ment of obsequity, master golfsman, and also, I am told, my five-times-great grandson-in-law. He is a master of "Social Net-Working," which, I am given to understand, is the use of certain vile technologies to advertise the existence of advertising itself, a practice which seems long overdue. He has participated in success-ful advertising campaigns for soft beverages, cigarillos, and sofas, increasing their sales despite the fact that so many of you slack-jawed lack-wits would have sat around on sofas drinking sugar water and smoking any-way. He is free of the tainted blood of the Irish-man. He has a handshake which caused me to experience exotic yet extremely businesslike flutterings in the ancient dust of my loins despite my loathing of the warmth and life of other human-beings. And he was willing to marry a Zweibel woman, all of whom are notoriously vapid inbred brood-mares concerned with only the accumulation of shiny objects and the time of their next feeding, and therefore he is exactly the kind of man we need for the job of Onion Advertising Czar.

I am reliably informed that Hammond, who was more than happy to indenture himself to us under the provision that we help him in his vendetta against a certain roots-beer company, will be analyzing the latest "trends" in advertising so that we may best employ them for our own purposes. He will also be keeping a careful eye on the advertising industry as a whole; and since I am given to understand that advertising is now the only industry remaining, he should never lack for work.

Therefore it is with full faith and conviction I introduce to you Hammond Morris, Czar of All the Advertise-Ments! All shall soon kneel before his pronouncements of quality, affordability, and availability. Now get back to work!

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