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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.
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It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless puppets to carry out my wishes, not to display any sort of initiative or independence what-so-ever!

However, once I had demoted my Director of Marketing to boot-black, I began to see that the idea had some merit. A supreme plenipotentiary of advertising would be extremely use-ful, after all, particularly if the man in question had the courage and backbone to kowtow to our advertisers at every opportunity, bravely sacrificing our journalistic standards to the slightest whim of any distiller, fried-meat purveyor, or slattern-clothier with enough capital to purchase space on our back page. That, if you ask me, is the sort of flexible, biddable leader this Republic is begging for!

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that we have hired Hammond Morris, lickspittle without peer, the living embody-ment of obsequity, master golfsman, and also, I am told, my five-times-great grandson-in-law. He is a master of "Social Net-Working," which, I am given to understand, is the use of certain vile technologies to advertise the existence of advertising itself, a practice which seems long overdue. He has participated in success-ful advertising campaigns for soft beverages, cigarillos, and sofas, increasing their sales despite the fact that so many of you slack-jawed lack-wits would have sat around on sofas drinking sugar water and smoking any-way. He is free of the tainted blood of the Irish-man. He has a handshake which caused me to experience exotic yet extremely businesslike flutterings in the ancient dust of my loins despite my loathing of the warmth and life of other human-beings. And he was willing to marry a Zweibel woman, all of whom are notoriously vapid inbred brood-mares concerned with only the accumulation of shiny objects and the time of their next feeding, and therefore he is exactly the kind of man we need for the job of Onion Advertising Czar.

I am reliably informed that Hammond, who was more than happy to indenture himself to us under the provision that we help him in his vendetta against a certain roots-beer company, will be analyzing the latest "trends" in advertising so that we may best employ them for our own purposes. He will also be keeping a careful eye on the advertising industry as a whole; and since I am given to understand that advertising is now the only industry remaining, he should never lack for work.

Therefore it is with full faith and conviction I introduce to you Hammond Morris, Czar of All the Advertise-Ments! All shall soon kneel before his pronouncements of quality, affordability, and availability. Now get back to work!

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