It Says Here On Your Résumé, Mr. Zimmerman, That You Shot A Boy?

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George Zimmerman

George Zimmerman Wins Florida State Lottery

SANFORD, FL—Just days after being fully acquitted for his role in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman reportedly won the $37 million Florida Lottery jackpot last night.

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...
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It Says Here On Your Résumé, Mr. Zimmerman, That You Shot A Boy?

Well, George, it looks here like you’ve got a lot of good work experience. Strong references. Proficiency in the Microsoft Office suite. And you’re bilingual, which is a huge plus. I’d say on paper you’re certainly qualified for this position. But before we move any further, Mr. Zimmerman, I just have a quick question about one of these items from February 2012. It says here that you shot a boy?

Sorry, I’m just looking here and it says you shot and killed a child?

Hmm, I’d definitely like to delve into that a tad more. Just to make sure that we cover all of our bases before I go and have a chat with the higher-ups. Standard interview procedure.

So, George, I see the shooting occurred during an altercation near a house the boy was visiting, and if I’m correct, the boy would have been 17 at the time? That would make him a minor then, wouldn’t it. Well, I have to say, George, you’re the first applicant we’ve ever received who’s taken the life of a teenager before.

Let me just jot that down in the margin here.

I do appreciate that you’ve listed all of your prior experience, though. I see here you once applied to be a police officer in Virginia, and you took a class that discussed self-defense training. You also recently did a stint as a neighborhood watchman in Sanford, Florida, where you monitored a gated community called The Retreat at Twin Lakes.

That sounds like a nice place to live.

You know what, let’s circle back to you shooting a boy. Let’s see, it says here that the young man was African-American? There wasn’t a racial element to this shooting, was there, George? Because I could definitely see that being a bit of a problem.

I’m not going to lie to you, HR will probably need to take a second look at this after lunch today.

George, forgive me, I’m just asking—and keep in mind this won’t be the only thing that influences the outcome of the interview one way or the other—but I guess my number-one question would be why you shot a boy.

I mean, because even if he made the first move, it says here in your cover letter...wait, let me find it...ah, here it is. It says that he was unarmed? Is that true? So, not only did you shoot a boy, but you shot an unarmed boy? I’m just going to note that, too.

I’ve got to say, hiring you is shaping up to be a pretty tough sell to the higher-ups, George. If I’m trying to convince my boss that we should bring you on, I guess I could make the argument that, on one hand, it’s admirable you showed some initiative to protect the community. But, on the other hand, you shot a child. And my boss is a pretty perceptive guy, so he’ll probably ask if you were fearing for your life so much so that it was absolutely necessary to shoot an unarmed teenage boy at point-blank range.

George, I’m not an expert or anything, but I have to say it kind of sounds like you murdered someone.

Actually, from the looks of it, it definitely was murder. So am I reading this right? You’re a murderer? You’re a murderer applying for a job?

I don’t know if I can hire a murderer, George.

Wait, no, now I get it. That year-and-a-half gap we discussed earlier makes sense. I just had to connect the dots on your résumé for a second. You murdered someone and you were on trial for the killing. But you were found innocent, so, technically, you’re not a murderer. Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here, of course. You weren’t deemed a murderer by the state. So, on the record, you’re not a murderer. But off the record, you are. Okay, got it. Well, that makes everything a lot easier on my end.

Whew. In that case, I guess everything checks out for me. Thank you so much for coming in; we’ll get back to you in a couple of days.