It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 03

Ask the Dungeonmaster

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmont, CA.

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Sleep

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

When I got there, all the food trays had little sprigs of plants and pieces of fruit all cut up and twisted in funny ways, and I wasn't so sure what I was supposed to eat and what I wasn't, right? But I hung close to the little woman and I followed her lead.

First I tried some of what is called Pate Feuilletés, which is hard to pronounce, but it went down pretty easy, like Twinkies or something. Then I moved on to a heaping helping of Steak Tartar, and I said to the wife, it's a little underdone, but this stuff is good.

After that point, I didn't let the five-dollar names scare me anymore and started trying it all: Escargot, Quiche Lorraine, Choucroute Garnie and Ratatouille. And I thought the Viennetta frozen layered dessert Judy got on her birthday was fancy! It was nothing next to that Gateau Paris-Brest. I washed it all down with a big hunk of Le Délice de Montecito and a Roquefort cheese tart and went to listen to the game in the car.

On my way out I decided to I slip into the kitchen to see if I could find a 7-Up, and as I'm diggin' around in there by myself, I found a pound bag of this stuff called Monosodium Glutamate.

As I said, those big names didn't scare me anymore once I got comfortable, so I poured out a cup or two of the white powdery stuff and ate it with a teaspoon. I was about three-fourths done, when I fell onto the floor and had to check my lapels just to make sure I wasn't back at the Sioux City Disco, what with all the colored lights that were flashing through my head.

That select stuff didn't sit too well with me, but as I was trying to keep an open mind to foreign flavors, I fished around under the sink until I found a bottle of Sodium Dichloro-Trianzinetrione Dehydrate. That sounded fancier than anything my wife had learned how to cook in that class of hers, so I opened up the bottle and poured the whole thing down the hatch. Next I ate the Polyhexamethylene Diguanide, but it was a little too tart so I followed with some Tromethamine.

I must've been howlin' like a jackal or something, 'cause Judy came rushing in there and pulled me away from the cupboards.

From that moment on, though, I was a connoisseur of fine foods, all eager to see what I'd been missing all these years.

When we got home Judy went up to bed, but I went straight for the kitchen and started cooking. I tried looking in the cabinets by the stove, but there's no fancy-sounding foreign ingredients in there.

I see Zinc Stearate on one of the bottles in with Judy's craft paint. I remembered Judy talking about Zucchini Stew and I figured it must be pretty much the same thing, only in French, so I heated me up a bowl. It had the stangest lavender color, but it was pretty good eating.

There was a real nice fruity smell coming from the back closet and when I pushed away all the brooms and buckets I found these spray cans that looked like PAM, so I made up a batch of fried egg sandwiches using this Lemon Pledge stuff, even spraying the eggs up again before I put them on the bread. I called it Sandwich Trisopropanolamine and ate two or three.

Then I went down into the basement because I figured Judy's hiding the imported ingredients down there, just like how she hides the Christmas candy until company comes over. I found a lot of stuff down there that I had always thought was some shop supplies left there by the landlord.

I dined on the likes of Ammonium Laurel Sulfate—a bit tart for my taste, but it had a tempting aroma—and DMDM Hydan-toin, a fizzy delight, for sure.

I got sort of an intense painful burning in my throat right about then, so I thought I'd make myself a drink. The Menthyl Salicylic smelled sort of like a Shamrock Shake, only it sounds classier, so I poured that into a tumbler with some Disodium Edetate and some Ammonium Xylenesulfonate and I drank it real quick right out of the hole that formed in the bottom of the cup.

It tasted sort of like Vicks Vapo-Rub, and even though my head was pretty cloudy for some reason, I figured out that it was because of the Vicks Vapo-Rub I put in it.

I never realized how hard those chefs with the fancy hats work before, but so much sweat was pouring off of me that I was drenched from head to toe. That's about when I started shaking and shivering and having drop seizures at five-minute intervals. It must have been all the excitement of learning so much about high-society cooking!

I drank that last cup of Disodium Edetate at about 3 a.m., and I really didn't remember much after that until about two months ago, when I kind of snapped into responsiveness again while watching an episode of Patty Duke in my pajamas.

I learned a whole lot about experiencing new things that night, and you know, everything turned out all right because I never did use the left side of my body much anyway.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More