It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff

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Vol 36 Issue 43

Arsenio Hall Writers Still Keeping In Touch

LOS ANGELES– According to former Arsenio Hall Show head writer Garry Schenk, the writing staff of the 1989-94 late-night talk show still keeps in touch. "Yeah, I still see Tony [Andruss] every now and then," Schenk said Monday. "And I just ran into Ed [Canzona] a few days ago. He's over at Kilborn now and also does some freelance monologue stuff for Politically Incorrect. And Fred [Moffatt] e-mailed me maybe a month ago. He's working for some radio syndicate that does song parodies and other bits for morning-DJ shows." Added Schenk: "Man, I can't believe it's been six years."

Death Results In Great Deal Of Paperwork

FLAGSTAFF, AZ– The death of 88-year-old Bea Wexler resulted in a mountain of funeral, burial, and estate-settlement paperwork Monday. "Why now? We just finished the paperwork on our new mortgage," sobbed Peggy Addison, Wexler's daughter. "Why in Arizona, where the probate process can take months?" Addison's husband Bryan hugged her before bearing down on the preliminary death-certificate forms.

Food Critic's Wife Makes The Best Lasagna She Possibly Can

CHARLOTTE, NC– Fran Greaves, wife of Charlotte Observer restaurant critic Paul Greaves, said Monday that she tries to make the best lasagna she possibly can. "I made this gourmet lasagna completely by the book," Greaves said. "I bought fresh ingredients from the farmer's market, I made the pasta from scratch with semolina flour. But I just can't shake the feeling that it still won't be good enough for Paul." Greaves' husband has previously been disappointed in his wife's chicken marsala, veal schnitzel, and lemon chiffon cake.

Hollywood Diet Secrets Fall Into Non-Celebrity Hands

HOLLYWOOD– In a major Hollywood security leak, an Encino, CA, company has made "Weight-Loss Secrets Of The Stars" available to the non-famous. Direct Sales International made the offer through ads last week in The National Enquirer and Weekly World News. "Learn how the rich and famous take unwanted pounds off FAST–and KEEP them off!" the ad read. "I am horrified by the implications of this," Julia Roberts said. "The institution of celebrityhood could crumble, with our thigh-trimming and belly-banishing secrets now public. The global balance of beauty has tipped forever. God help us all."

Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here

CEDAR FALLS, IA– Despite repeated pre-election threats of expatriation, area resident Ron Glick remains a U.S. citizen, acquaintances of the 43-year-old reported Monday. "For weeks leading up to the election, Ron kept saying, 'I swear, if that clown wins, I am moving to Canada,'" coworker Paula Vogel said. "Well, he's been at work every day since, so unless he's commuting from Winnipeg, he's still here." Glick has threatened to renounce his citizenship every four years since 1980, when Reagan's victory was supposed to have precipitated his emigration to Spain.

Abolish The Electoral College?

In light of the havoc it has wreaked this presidential election, many Americans are calling for an end to the electoral college. What do you think?

Mockery

Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen to me talk about a lot of old stuff! I think it's actually 1907! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
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It'll Be A Blue Christmas Without Stuff

You know that old Christmas carol that goes, "Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat"? Well, might I suggest a slight lyric change to "please put a penny in Jean Teasdale's hat"? And, instead of "a penny," make it "$2,756.29"? Because that's how much my Visa bill is right now, and I'm afraid that Christmas at the Teasdales is not going to be too merry this year if I don't find a way to pay this thing off pronto!

It's not like I haven't been trying to pay it off. I mean, I've been working my tail off at Fashion Bug. (I'm up to 30 hours a week!) I'd work even more if my boss, Roz, would let me, but she hired a new girl, Ellen, who wanted extra hours, too. That irked me a little. After all, it's not like we get a huge amount of business anyway, especially on weekdays, and having an extra person around seems kind of unnecessary. But Ellen is a friend of Roz's, so that got her an automatic in at the Bug. Plus, she's always going off about how she's a single mom with two kids and is strapped for cash. Don't get me wrong: I love kids to pieces and hope to have some of my own someday. (Can't you hear those loud ticks coming from my biological clock?) But just because Ellen is a mom, that doesn't make her better than me. We all have crosses to bear. I mean, I've got a police record now, but you don't hear me trying to get sympathy or favoritism from it.

It's a shame that I'm in such debt, because my own X-mas wish list is about a mile long this year. And, after the Year From Hell that I had, I deserve a little something nice! Of course, I've got one thing going for me, the fact that my family is no longer speaking to me due to that little born-again Christian fiasco of mine. So at least I'll save a few hundred bucks not buying presents for them!

Also on the plus side, hubby Rick agreed to pay the entire amount of rent until I have my debts paid off! The only catch is, he made me promise to pay for the groceries, utilities, car insurance, and cable, not to mention settle at least half my credit-card debt before I even thought of splurging on myself at the mall. The fact that I couldn't get more hours at Fashion Bug didn't soften him a bit. "Just get a second job," he snorted. (Sheesh! Heil Hubby!)

Still, I can't stop dreaming about the stuff I'd love to buy myself this X-mas. For example, I just know there's a DVD player out there with my name on it. Have you seen these things? They're amazing! They can squeeze an entire movie onto a single CD! I swear, after seeing one at Best Buy the other day, I wanted to go straight home and throw our VCR in the garbage! The only thing better than a DVD player would be a DVD player with a Patrick Swayze movie in it all cued up and ready to go! (Rowrr, rowrr!)

There's also a great T-shirt I saw at Spencer Gifts. It says, "I'm A Shopaholic In A 12-Step Program. Steps 1 Through 11: Shop. Step 12: Get Drunk After You See Your Credit-Card Bill." My God, whoever came up with that shirt must be a regular reader of my column! Anyway, I've just got to have that thing!

Now, you Jeanketeers out there know that I have a terminal case of Precious Momentsitis, and there's a figurine I'm just dying for. It's a little girl who's about to set a dessert in her heart-shaped cupboard, only to find a darling kitten in it! It's called–what else?–"You Have A Special Place In My Heart." Well, that figurine sure has a special place in mine! (Only problem is, it would also have a special place in my wallet... to the tune of $55!)

I'm also constantly seeing things I want in the dozens of catalogs I get in the mail each month. I really like those miniature indoor water fountains they sell now. They're supposed to alleviate stress and relax you. And, seeing how hectic my life has been lately, I could really use one! I was trying to persuade hubby Rick to buy one since he's always so uptight, but he just said, "They look Oriental. They're probably Chinese water-torture machines designed to drive Americans insane." (Boy, way to prove my point, Rick!)

Okay, okay, I admit it. I have champagne tastes. Jean Teasdale always wants nothing but the best. As my mother, from whom I am now estranged, likes to say, "The moment Jean has a dollar in her pocket, she'll find a way to spend it!" Well, I may have had a lot of Grinches to contend with this year, but that doesn't mean I've lost my belief in Santa Claus!

I don't often admit this to people, but I still believe in Santa Claus. Not in him literally existing, but in the belief that the holidays are a time for magic, and that people will get rewarded for trying their best. Call me an incurable optimist, but it does happen. In fact, it just happened to me. This morning, I was taking my winter coat out of storage and, upon reaching into the pocket, I pulled out a real sight for sore eyes: a $20 bill! And this is one $20 bill that Grinch Rick and his austerity plan will never get, because I'm going out right now and buying one of those hilarious singing bass. They've been out for months now and, darn it, I deserve one!

Oh, don't worry: Rick is on my shopping list, too. After all, 'tis better to give than to receive, right? Only, I don't think he should get one of those inflatable NFL chairs he wants so much. No, I think a gift-wrapped cinnabar candle from Fashion Bug will do just fine. They're 50 percent off right now, and with my employee discount, it'll cost practically nothing. Rick will be proud of my frugality, I'm sure!

(Ain't I a stinker?!?)

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