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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

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Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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It's Feet Like This That Remind Me Why I Got Into Geriatric Podiatry

I'm not going to lie: I was getting bored. Somewhere along the way, I'd lost my passion for geriatric podiatry, the one thing I thought would always matter to me. As a young doctor, my heart would race as I thought of the joys that awaited me within Mr. Berkowitz's tasseled loafers, or the wonders to be revealed as Mrs. Deacon slipped off her orthopedic shoes. But after 30 years and 14,000 feet, I was going through the motions. Sure, I could drain an infected ingrown toenail as skillfully as ever, but it was work and nothing more.

That was then. As of my 10:30 appointment yesterday, I am reborn.

I wasn't expecting much from Mr. Marinucci. He told me he had some slight swelling in his feet, and while peripheral edema was nothing new to me, it had lost all its charm. As I helped him onto the examination table, I was already looking ahead to the moment I prescribed him some diuretics and sent him on his way. But as soon as he took off his socks, I knew I was in the presence of something rare and wonderful.

Just like that, I was fresh out of podiatry school again, thrilling to the feel of elderly chapped skin, savoring the faint crackle it made as I pressed against it with my thumbs. Every tiny fissure was a testament to this man's 89 years of footsteps. And there, in front of the ankle—those veins! Perhaps the most magnificent varicose bundle I had ever witnessed in three decades of medical practice. Only a person this old, this well-lived, could offer such gnarled splendor.

The stories those veins could tell if given the chance…

Mr. Marinucci's swelling was, well, magnificent. I've seen plenty of fluid buildup over the years, but this was perfect, resisting my probing finger neither too much nor too little. But there was more, like the corns on the outside of his big toes. People of all ages get them, of course, but there's a profound difference between the ones some 23-year-old gets from playing basketball in sneakers that are too tight and the ones a man like Mr. Marinucci earns over a long lifetime of overpronation. His corns, like his flattened arches and the worn padding on his heels, whispered the wisdom of a million footsteps.

And I was learning to listen all over again.

I suddenly realized how blessed I was to be looking at feet like this and how foolish my colleagues were for bragging about the young and shapely extremities they saw in their offices. Let them keep their pretty, pedicured specimens; I will choose the feet of our most aged men and women, and I will cherish the lessons their feet have to impart. Any podiatrist who cannot appreciate Mr. Marinucci's flawlessly symmetrical bunions isn't worthy of the profession.

Of course, I could work another 30 years and probably never see feet like Mr. Marinucci's again. That perfect mix of advanced age, biological predisposition, and neglect only comes around once in a career. But that hardly matters, because the world is full of wonder: Mrs. Hutchinson may not have a metatarsal deformity, but I can delight in skin as delicate as rice paper; Mr. Drake might not have a plantar wart, but there—in the nook between his third and fourth toe—fungus! Every senior citizen has feet with something to offer. I'm ashamed I ever forgot that.

Anyway, my two o'clock just arrived. I'm not sure what brought her here today. All I know is that she's old and so are her feet. And from now on, that's good enough for me.

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