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As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

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PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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It's Finally The Good Life For Jim Anchower

Hola, amigos. What gives? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of craziness going on. Like, first off, there's the whole situation with the terrorists. That's some pretty heavy shit. What they did, that just wasn't right. I say Bomba Osama!

Aside from that, I got new a job as a busboy at this Mexican place by the mall called California Fajita Cantina. I never thought I'd work food service again, 'cause it sucks so bad, but when you're hungry, you take what you can get. Actually, it turns out that it's a pretty sweet gig. It's just a lot of picking up plates and wiping down tables. Plus, I get two free fajitas per shift, and I'm learning a little Español.

Another benefit of the job is that it landed me a new weed connection. One of the dishwashers has a friend who's hooked up. So, in the past month, I've gone from having no cash and no stash to having both. Life's funny, how nothing can be going your way, and then—boom—you're in the penthouse.

Okay, so not everything has been perfect. Last week, my Super Nintendo finally crapped out. Man, I was pretty bummed. I never finished Earthworm Jim, and now I might never get the chance. I wish there were a good reason it died, like I spilled soda on it or something, but it just went out in the middle of a 10-hour Earthworm Jim marathon. No warning, no nothing. One minute, I'm trying to take out the crow thing, and the next, I'm staring at a screen full of static.

But you know what? I ain't all that concerned. I was thinking about getting a PlayStation 2, anyway. I got the itch to play some of those zombie shooting games, so all I gotta do is save up some of my extra scratch. Not a lot, mind you. Thanks to all the overtime I've gotten at the restaurant, I've been living pretty large as of late.

Oh, and I lucked out and won a $100 gift certificate at Woodsmith's grocery for their 20th anniversary. It's not a free PlayStation 2, but it did free up enough cash to keep my electric from getting disconnected, and everybody knows that a PlayStation 2 without electricity is like a bong without water. And don't forget that I get those two free fajitas when I work, so between the food I won and the fajitas, I had a lot of extra money to spend on numero uno (that's Spanish for number one).

I ain't gonna be able to take the dinero with me, so I gotta take care of myself while I can. "Treat Jim Anchower like he's numero uno" is my new motto. Plus, there are all these people telling me that it's my duty as an American to spend money right now. If I say, "I can't buy a PlayStation while the gas bill is two months late," the whole country suffers.

In order to spread the money around, I've been seeing more movies lately. I saw this one called Jeepers Creepers, where this thing eats dead people and chases after these two high-schoolers. That mucho sucked, so I snuck in to see Training Day, only I was sort of tired and fell asleep. Oh, and I saw Rock Star, which should've kicked ass but somehow didn't. You know what, though? Even if a movie bites the big one, it still feels good to help your country. It also feels good to catch a flick without having to get your friend who works at the theater to sneak you in because you don't have enough cash.

Got a good deal on a sub-woofer for my car, too. Now, my sweet ride positively thunders when it rolls down the street. I got a little CD player that plugs into my tape deck in the car, and I got my third Zep box set to replace the other two. Hell, I even treated Ron and Wes to burgers the other day without them asking. Why not? I'm almost rolling in it!

Yep, it's the good life from now on. I'm gonna do all I can to really make the most out of every day. "Live it to the max" is my other new motto, and I'm gonna start by getting drunk tonight. That'll be sweet.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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