It's Finally The Good Life For Jim Anchower

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Vol 37 Issue 38

Tom Clancy Treated Like He's Some Kind Of Terrorism Expert

WASHINGTON, DC— Tom Clancy, bestselling author of such military thrillers as The Hunt For Red October and Patriot Games, is being treated like an actual terrorism expert, having offered his opinion on Larry King Live and countless other TV shows since Sept. 11. "The Al Qaeda network is known to have operatives in at least 30 countries, including the U.S. and Great Britain," said Clancy, a former insurance broker and avid wearer of naval-warship baseball caps, during a recent Nightline. "By the way, Ted, Stephen Ambrose's The Wild Blue is a terrific read." Later that evening, Clancy appeared in a Crossfire panel on biological warfare with former CIA director John Deutch and Secretary Of State Colin Powell.

Mom Uses Full Name To Refer To Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™

HICKORY, NC— Inviting her family to dig in to dinner Monday, Donna Furness, 41, referred to the meal by its full, trademarked name. "Who's ready for some Bisquick Impossibly Easy Cheeseburger Pie™?" asked Furness while serving her loved ones the hamburger pie, made from a recipe on the side of a Bisquick box. "Just be sure to save room for dessert: We're having Smuckers Quick 'N' Nutty Jam Gems™."

Area Man Switches To Backup Lie

AURORA, CO— At the last possible moment, area resident Gordon Kanner aborted his planned avenue of untruth, turning instead to a backup lie to explain his failure to show up at his girlfriend's sister's birthday party. "That was the closest call in my entire two years with Jessica," a relieved Kanner told reporters after the near-bust. "I was going to feed her some bullshit about how I couldn't make it to her sister's thing because I had to work. But just as I was about to, she mentions seeing my car at the Safeway. Fortunately, I was able to think fast and switch to my sick-mother lie."

Michael Jordan Not Exactly Sure What Product He Just Filmed Commercial For

LOS ANGELES— Minutes after completing a commercial shoot Monday, NBA legend Michael Jordan reported being unable to recall what product he endorsed. "I'm pretty sure it had something to do with phones," Jordan said. "But it wasn't MCI. It was, like, fiber-optic stuff or videoconferencing. Anyway, I talked about how you can score a slam dunk with the company and mentioned the name twice." On Friday, Jordan is slated to film a 30-second spot for Dove Bars or maybe hot dogs.

Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

We, as a nation, have suffered. Wounded and confused, we wonder whether life will ever be the same again. But for all our pain, we can heal, if each one of us pitches in. We all have a part to play, whether donating blood, contributing to relief charities, or writing high-quality fan fiction to help a grieving nation forget its troubles for just a little while.

What's Up, Dick?

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What do you think?
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It's Finally The Good Life For Jim Anchower

Hola, amigos. What gives? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but there's been all sorts of craziness going on. Like, first off, there's the whole situation with the terrorists. That's some pretty heavy shit. What they did, that just wasn't right. I say Bomba Osama!

Aside from that, I got new a job as a busboy at this Mexican place by the mall called California Fajita Cantina. I never thought I'd work food service again, 'cause it sucks so bad, but when you're hungry, you take what you can get. Actually, it turns out that it's a pretty sweet gig. It's just a lot of picking up plates and wiping down tables. Plus, I get two free fajitas per shift, and I'm learning a little Español.

Another benefit of the job is that it landed me a new weed connection. One of the dishwashers has a friend who's hooked up. So, in the past month, I've gone from having no cash and no stash to having both. Life's funny, how nothing can be going your way, and then—boom—you're in the penthouse.

Okay, so not everything has been perfect. Last week, my Super Nintendo finally crapped out. Man, I was pretty bummed. I never finished Earthworm Jim, and now I might never get the chance. I wish there were a good reason it died, like I spilled soda on it or something, but it just went out in the middle of a 10-hour Earthworm Jim marathon. No warning, no nothing. One minute, I'm trying to take out the crow thing, and the next, I'm staring at a screen full of static.

But you know what? I ain't all that concerned. I was thinking about getting a PlayStation 2, anyway. I got the itch to play some of those zombie shooting games, so all I gotta do is save up some of my extra scratch. Not a lot, mind you. Thanks to all the overtime I've gotten at the restaurant, I've been living pretty large as of late.

Oh, and I lucked out and won a $100 gift certificate at Woodsmith's grocery for their 20th anniversary. It's not a free PlayStation 2, but it did free up enough cash to keep my electric from getting disconnected, and everybody knows that a PlayStation 2 without electricity is like a bong without water. And don't forget that I get those two free fajitas when I work, so between the food I won and the fajitas, I had a lot of extra money to spend on numero uno (that's Spanish for number one).

I ain't gonna be able to take the dinero with me, so I gotta take care of myself while I can. "Treat Jim Anchower like he's numero uno" is my new motto. Plus, there are all these people telling me that it's my duty as an American to spend money right now. If I say, "I can't buy a PlayStation while the gas bill is two months late," the whole country suffers.

In order to spread the money around, I've been seeing more movies lately. I saw this one called Jeepers Creepers, where this thing eats dead people and chases after these two high-schoolers. That mucho sucked, so I snuck in to see Training Day, only I was sort of tired and fell asleep. Oh, and I saw Rock Star, which should've kicked ass but somehow didn't. You know what, though? Even if a movie bites the big one, it still feels good to help your country. It also feels good to catch a flick without having to get your friend who works at the theater to sneak you in because you don't have enough cash.

Got a good deal on a sub-woofer for my car, too. Now, my sweet ride positively thunders when it rolls down the street. I got a little CD player that plugs into my tape deck in the car, and I got my third Zep box set to replace the other two. Hell, I even treated Ron and Wes to burgers the other day without them asking. Why not? I'm almost rolling in it!

Yep, it's the good life from now on. I'm gonna do all I can to really make the most out of every day. "Live it to the max" is my other new motto, and I'm gonna start by getting drunk tonight. That'll be sweet.

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