It's My Word Against The Pool Cleaner's

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Vol 33 Issue 08

Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike.

Sixth Grader Begins Work On Pony Trilogy

CANTON, OH—Canton-area sixth-grader Melissa Wright announced plans Monday to begin work on her much-anticipated "Pony Trilogy," a three-part series chronicling her adventures with fictional pony Star Rider. Volume one, tentatively titled Melissa Meets Star Rider, is expected to be completed sometime this week. "It’s gonna be about me and Star Rider having all this fun together, and I’m also gonna talk about how much I love to ride her," Wright said. While Wright did not give exact details of the second and third installments, they are widely expected to touch on Star Rider’s amazing ability to fly, as well as the pony’s acquisition of a magic emerald which grants Wright the power to eavesdrop on anyone she wants to by speaking their name. "Expect this work to take sixth-grade pony fiction in exciting new directions," said George Toffel of Doubleday Press.

PLO Claims Responsibility For Bombing Of Krippendorf’s Tribe

BEIRUT, LEBANON—In one of the deadliest acts of cinematic terrorism in recent years, the Palestinian Liberation Organization claimed responsibility Monday for the bombing of the Touchstone Pictures comedy Krippendorf’s Tribe. "To protest the continued Jewish occupation of our homeland, we have engineered the bombing of this film, creating singularly unappealing promotional ads and posters; giving it a formulaic script filled with tired, unfunny gags; and devoting more than 45 minutes of screen time to a naked, body-painted Richard Dreyfuss," a PLO statement said of the bombing, which claimed the jobs of three Touchstone executives. "Return Palestine to its rightful owners, or we shall mastermind a three-hour Steve Guttenberg/Shelley Long romantic comedy such that the world has never seen."

The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

It's My Word Against The Pool Cleaner's

Frankly, Gordon, I'm shocked and hurt that you would consider believing anything that pool cleaner says, even for one second. I mean, I thought that after 16 months of marriage, you'd come to trust me. I know it hasn't been easy for you, with the big difference in our ages and all, but I would never have an affair with anyone in the world, much less one of your servants. Never.

Okay, I admit I was lying out in a skimpy little bikini while he was cleaning the pool. But what did you want me to do—get tan lines? And, yes, I may have bent over in front of him or arched my back once or twice. But it was only to rub lotion on myself or paint my toenails or something like that. I can't help it if he's looking at me when I do these things! That's probably how he knew about my birthmark, too, by peeping.

And yes, I did go into the tool shed with him a few times, but it was only because he asked me to help him out. He said he needed a place to put his hose or soak his tools or something, I forget what. He looked so hot and sweaty out there with his shirt off, I felt sorry for him. I sincerely hope you don't think I'm the kind of wife who would do those sorts of things with the help.

I can understand why you'd be so mad, honey, thinking I did those things. Sit down and let me rub your shoulders, sweetheart. Running all those banks has gotten you soooo tense.

Now, as far as that whole business about your chauffeur Simon seeing me and the pool cleaner doing something in the kitchen, it's pure nonsense! Do you really think I'd let him do that to me? Over the sink, no less? Honestly!

The truth is, we were just trying to get the garbage disposal unclogged when Simon walked in on us. After all, you'd just fired the handyman for sneaking into my room, and the pool cleaner was the only big, strong man around. I was bent over trying to fix the thing, and he was watching over my shoulder, giving me instructions. I assure you, it was all very innocent.

By the way, I think Simon's been drinking again. He should really be careful, or one day he'll have an accident, drinking so much. Just you wait.

Want to know what I think about this whole situation? I think our pool boy has a bit of an overactive imagination. Out in that sun all the time, never wearing a shirt, his muscles glistening with sweat—it's done something to his brain. I've never liked the way he looks up at my window while I'm undressing. Do you think he might be dangerous?

I swear, he made up all those things, Gordon. I never let him into my bedroom, not once. Maybe he snuck in, just like the handyman, the cable installer, and your nephew Robert, and that's how he knows where all my dainties are. But I never let him in there, and I never, ever went in there with him.

You work too hard, honey. All that money you handle puts a terrible strain on you. Just relax, baby, and drink this tea I made you. Relax and drink your tea, and in a little while I'll be nice to you. And don't listen to a thing that horrid pool boy says. There.

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