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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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It's My Word Against The Pool Cleaner's

Frankly, Gordon, I'm shocked and hurt that you would consider believing anything that pool cleaner says, even for one second. I mean, I thought that after 16 months of marriage, you'd come to trust me. I know it hasn't been easy for you, with the big difference in our ages and all, but I would never have an affair with anyone in the world, much less one of your servants. Never.

Okay, I admit I was lying out in a skimpy little bikini while he was cleaning the pool. But what did you want me to do—get tan lines? And, yes, I may have bent over in front of him or arched my back once or twice. But it was only to rub lotion on myself or paint my toenails or something like that. I can't help it if he's looking at me when I do these things! That's probably how he knew about my birthmark, too, by peeping.

And yes, I did go into the tool shed with him a few times, but it was only because he asked me to help him out. He said he needed a place to put his hose or soak his tools or something, I forget what. He looked so hot and sweaty out there with his shirt off, I felt sorry for him. I sincerely hope you don't think I'm the kind of wife who would do those sorts of things with the help.

I can understand why you'd be so mad, honey, thinking I did those things. Sit down and let me rub your shoulders, sweetheart. Running all those banks has gotten you soooo tense.

Now, as far as that whole business about your chauffeur Simon seeing me and the pool cleaner doing something in the kitchen, it's pure nonsense! Do you really think I'd let him do that to me? Over the sink, no less? Honestly!

The truth is, we were just trying to get the garbage disposal unclogged when Simon walked in on us. After all, you'd just fired the handyman for sneaking into my room, and the pool cleaner was the only big, strong man around. I was bent over trying to fix the thing, and he was watching over my shoulder, giving me instructions. I assure you, it was all very innocent.

By the way, I think Simon's been drinking again. He should really be careful, or one day he'll have an accident, drinking so much. Just you wait.

Want to know what I think about this whole situation? I think our pool boy has a bit of an overactive imagination. Out in that sun all the time, never wearing a shirt, his muscles glistening with sweat—it's done something to his brain. I've never liked the way he looks up at my window while I'm undressing. Do you think he might be dangerous?

I swear, he made up all those things, Gordon. I never let him into my bedroom, not once. Maybe he snuck in, just like the handyman, the cable installer, and your nephew Robert, and that's how he knows where all my dainties are. But I never let him in there, and I never, ever went in there with him.

You work too hard, honey. All that money you handle puts a terrible strain on you. Just relax, baby, and drink this tea I made you. Relax and drink your tea, and in a little while I'll be nice to you. And don't listen to a thing that horrid pool boy says. There.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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