It's Nice To Feel Wanted For The Murder Of Three Local Children

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Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Criminal Justice

Angie Tribeca

It's Nice To Feel Wanted For The Murder Of Three Local Children

It sure has been nice to get all this special attention these last couple of weeks. I have to admit, I'd pretty much been cut off from society for a good number of years, but now it seems that everyone knows my name. And even though I've decided to keep a low profile here in this New Mexico motel, it sure is nice to feel so wanted for the murder of three local children.

Who would've thought that packing three children into plastic barrels and throwing them into the reservoir would make such a difference? Then again, I suppose that after all those years of being a loner, I'd forgotten what it's like to truly have an impact on other people's lives. And it's not just those kids' families who want me, either. Even the police chief is saying he can't wait until he runs into me. People I've never even met are talking about me and wondering where I am and what I have to say for myself. They really want to know what I'm thinking and what those deeply carved triangular symbols meant.

Even my family is begging for me to come forward, and I haven't seen them since Christmas 1992! I thought they'd forgotten about me, but there they are on Channel 11 practically every night, talking about all the funny little things I did when I was young, like setting fire to the horse barn. Even my old neighbors, the McKennas, went on TV to recall the fun I used to have playing with their golden retriever.

As if all that weren't enough, even the FBI wants me! I can't remember the last time someone dropped by my house—even my case manager had stopped coming by to see if I was still taking my medicine—but now my place is surrounded! It's too bad I wasn't there to talk to everyone when they came, but I had to get away from that place. The stench was horrible, and I couldn't stand the flies anymore.

But the best part is, I don't have to talk to anyone in person to know they're thinking about me. I picked up a paper today, and my face and name were all over it. (I've never won so much as a spelling bee, so you can imagine what a thrill it is to finally be recognized for all my hard work. Those barrels were heavy!) True, no one had a recent photo of me, so the picture of me in the paper doesn't look anything like I do now. But I know it's me, even if the motel employees here don't.

I really thought I was a lone wolf, and that I never needed anything or anybody. But I was wrong. It didn't make me happy just sitting in my attic alone, cutting the limbs off dolls anymore. I needed to be noticed. I needed to find my niche. Well, I've found it, and I've got to be honest: It feels pretty good.

I can't remember the last time I felt so important. Maybe it was when I was given free room and board at that hospital. It sure was nice of those doctors to pay all that attention to me, but honestly, I started to get a little annoyed with all those questions about my cousin who had drowned. I like to feel wanted, but sometimes you need time for yourself, too. Besides, if I don't spend four hours a day cutting all the arms and legs out of the department-store sale flyers, Satan will give me cancer. That's why I think I'd rather just lay low and enjoy all this new attention from afar.

Anyway, at this point in my life, I need to concentrate on getting out there and proving that I'm still worthy of all this attention. In fact, when I was in the bathroom in my motel room this morning, the faucet had dripped five times, and you know what that means: B-L-O-N-D. I've never killed a kid with blond hair before, but I guess that's how you stay happy and fulfilled—by trying new things.

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