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It's Okay, I'm Attractive

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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It's Okay, I'm Attractive

No need to worry, I'm here now.

I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please, let me set your mind at ease about all that: I'm attractive. Matter resolved. And furthermore, as you can all clearly see, I'm very pretty and have appealing features, so everything is going to be all right.

Don't fret. My physical appearance is beautiful to look at.

No prob—I'm hot. It's natural to question why I should be promoted, admitted to the club, given that expensive necklace, allowed to use your car whenever I want, and able to expect that someone else will always pick up the check, but that's all settled now because I'm beautiful. And since I am advantaged, physically, there's no reason I shouldn't be given free rein to do what I will in this, or any other, situation. I'm sexy. That ought to take care of any adversity, trouble, or potential slight inconvenience, to me, that might come up.

Just wanted to clear that up so we can move along and get on with the me-admiring while I go about doing whatever I want. I am attractive. You are attracted to me because of this attractiveness.

My face is symmetrical. Therefore, the situation is completely resolved. My voice is melodious and, when not utterly aloof, slightly flirtatious. My posture, walk, and way of slowly shifting my weight from one hip to the other while twirling my hair absentmindedly as I gaze off into an untroubled haze are all compelling as hell to ruminate upon, in silent contemplation, while the rest of the world pauses. I even smell great. You're in for a rare treat, sensory-input-wise, being around me.

Go ahead. Soak it in. Feast your eyes. This is one of those moments. For you. So you see, we have no cause for distress anymore, in terms of whatever that may have been that was temporarily impeding the immediate gratification of my every wish.

I have shiny hair, so I'll handle this. My skin is flawless and free of blemish—save for one alluring birthmark seductively situated below my honey-dappled hip. Every part of my being is so alluring and attractive that it would be unfair to ask you to choose what you like the best. Well, no matter. You'll never suffer the hardship of having to pick a favorite from among my perfect features, because soon I will vanish—like a gossamer strand of spider-silk whisked away in the whispering wind—with no obligation to you or anyone like you.

Allow me.

And you will, in all likelihood, never speak to me again. Because, come on, what are the chances? But in the meantime, I am here, see? And you are looking at me. It's nice. Nice. Nice.

There, there. I'm gorgeous.

It seemed like there was some sort of problem? A moment ago? I'm sure everything is okay now and all issues have been resolved in my favor. I have a perfect set of gleaming white teeth, behind full, ruby-red, kissable lips that you will never kiss. My bone structure is genetically hardwired to be pleasing to the eye. My giggle is adorable! Everything's taken care of, okay? Because I'm pretty.

See? All better now. All is well. All is as it should be, thanks to my being incredibly good-looking. My legs look good. My eyes look good. My neck—let's not even go into my amazing, statuesque neck, which no one can help wanting to wrap their arms around and nuzzle their face into because of its inherently attractive nature. All of me looks good. And you—lucky, lucky you—get to bask in it, for a second or two, so its all good. We're good. We're cool, you and I.

There exists, in this zone of physical space surrounding my physical person, a state of grace suspending all potential impediments to my satisfaction in a low, murmuring sea of preference that flows from you toward me, because of my ageless and elegant beauty. So there is no tension or anxiety—not here anyway, at least not until I leave, which I inevitably will—and in the meantime you can savor my temporary sojourn amongst you.

Behold! My radiance is gently glowing like the soft light of the moon, drawing awe and admiration from everything it casts its light on. I'm paying attention to you. Yes, to little, less-attractive you. Doesn't that feel good, knowing that I am not only in the same room as you, but that I'm also acknowledging your existence momentarily? I'll bet it feels great. After all, this sort of thing doesn't happen to you every day. So what say we settle the pesky little matter of you not bowing to my every whim?

Pretty please?

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