adBlockCheck

It's Okay, I'm Attractive

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

It's Okay, I'm Attractive

No need to worry, I'm here now.

I realize you may have had some concerns before as to whether I should be given my way, but please, let me set your mind at ease about all that: I'm attractive. Matter resolved. And furthermore, as you can all clearly see, I'm very pretty and have appealing features, so everything is going to be all right.

Don't fret. My physical appearance is beautiful to look at.

No prob—I'm hot. It's natural to question why I should be promoted, admitted to the club, given that expensive necklace, allowed to use your car whenever I want, and able to expect that someone else will always pick up the check, but that's all settled now because I'm beautiful. And since I am advantaged, physically, there's no reason I shouldn't be given free rein to do what I will in this, or any other, situation. I'm sexy. That ought to take care of any adversity, trouble, or potential slight inconvenience, to me, that might come up.

Just wanted to clear that up so we can move along and get on with the me-admiring while I go about doing whatever I want. I am attractive. You are attracted to me because of this attractiveness.

My face is symmetrical. Therefore, the situation is completely resolved. My voice is melodious and, when not utterly aloof, slightly flirtatious. My posture, walk, and way of slowly shifting my weight from one hip to the other while twirling my hair absentmindedly as I gaze off into an untroubled haze are all compelling as hell to ruminate upon, in silent contemplation, while the rest of the world pauses. I even smell great. You're in for a rare treat, sensory-input-wise, being around me.

Go ahead. Soak it in. Feast your eyes. This is one of those moments. For you. So you see, we have no cause for distress anymore, in terms of whatever that may have been that was temporarily impeding the immediate gratification of my every wish.

I have shiny hair, so I'll handle this. My skin is flawless and free of blemish—save for one alluring birthmark seductively situated below my honey-dappled hip. Every part of my being is so alluring and attractive that it would be unfair to ask you to choose what you like the best. Well, no matter. You'll never suffer the hardship of having to pick a favorite from among my perfect features, because soon I will vanish—like a gossamer strand of spider-silk whisked away in the whispering wind—with no obligation to you or anyone like you.

Allow me.

And you will, in all likelihood, never speak to me again. Because, come on, what are the chances? But in the meantime, I am here, see? And you are looking at me. It's nice. Nice. Nice.

There, there. I'm gorgeous.

It seemed like there was some sort of problem? A moment ago? I'm sure everything is okay now and all issues have been resolved in my favor. I have a perfect set of gleaming white teeth, behind full, ruby-red, kissable lips that you will never kiss. My bone structure is genetically hardwired to be pleasing to the eye. My giggle is adorable! Everything's taken care of, okay? Because I'm pretty.

See? All better now. All is well. All is as it should be, thanks to my being incredibly good-looking. My legs look good. My eyes look good. My neck—let's not even go into my amazing, statuesque neck, which no one can help wanting to wrap their arms around and nuzzle their face into because of its inherently attractive nature. All of me looks good. And you—lucky, lucky you—get to bask in it, for a second or two, so its all good. We're good. We're cool, you and I.

There exists, in this zone of physical space surrounding my physical person, a state of grace suspending all potential impediments to my satisfaction in a low, murmuring sea of preference that flows from you toward me, because of my ageless and elegant beauty. So there is no tension or anxiety—not here anyway, at least not until I leave, which I inevitably will—and in the meantime you can savor my temporary sojourn amongst you.

Behold! My radiance is gently glowing like the soft light of the moon, drawing awe and admiration from everything it casts its light on. I'm paying attention to you. Yes, to little, less-attractive you. Doesn't that feel good, knowing that I am not only in the same room as you, but that I'm also acknowledging your existence momentarily? I'll bet it feels great. After all, this sort of thing doesn't happen to you every day. So what say we settle the pesky little matter of you not bowing to my every whim?

Pretty please?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close