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It's Open Season On Whigs!

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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It's Open Season On Whigs!

I understand that those God-damned Whigs are up in arms about the methods by which the Know-Nothings raise money for their campaign war-chest. Well, what of it?, I initially thought; it's typical of those Whig bastards, smarting as they are from their defeat in the last election.

But, as I came to realize, if the Whigs have their way, the Know-Nothings would be forced to return their hard-won bounty, and leave Washington in disgrace. It would spell utter disaster!

Once, many years ago, one of those lousy Whigs invited Mrs. Zweibel and myself to a grand dinner and dance at his town-house in Boston. Not only was he an insufferable Brahmin-type who constantly had his needle-nose imbedded in a box of snuff, and served his guests a dish which looked like enormous boiled insect thoraxes, he also had the appalling nerve to seat me next to the editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, P. Oliver Gummidge!

Now, in those days, The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet was the hated arch-rival of The Onion, and a filthy Whig mouth-piece to boot. "Ah, glad you could make it, Zweibel," Gummidge said. "Delicious autumn weather they've been having up in Cape Cod. You should see the colors!" So incensed was I at these hostile and inflammatory words that I picked up a tureen of scalding mock-turtle soup and expelled the contents over Gummidge's bald head.

As Gummidge screamed in agony, I collected Mrs. Zweibel and boarded the carriage back to our hotel. How Mrs. Zweibel carried on so! "We'll never be accepted by polite society now!" she wailed. Her head was always filled with silly dreams of becoming a wealthy and respected matron, playing bridge with the Astors and acquiring Baroque art. But I refused to have her emulating the effete, prancing ways of the Whigs, even if it meant a reduced social status!

How I wish my old nurse did not confiscate the bowie-knife I kept under my bed-clothes, or I would board the next canal-barge to Washington and personally slit the throats of as many Whigs as I could find. That is the only way one can deal with Whiggery, and I implore all decent-thinking, true Americans to heed my urgent call to arms!

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