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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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It's Open Season On Whigs!

I understand that those God-damned Whigs are up in arms about the methods by which the Know-Nothings raise money for their campaign war-chest. Well, what of it?, I initially thought; it's typical of those Whig bastards, smarting as they are from their defeat in the last election.

But, as I came to realize, if the Whigs have their way, the Know-Nothings would be forced to return their hard-won bounty, and leave Washington in disgrace. It would spell utter disaster!

Once, many years ago, one of those lousy Whigs invited Mrs. Zweibel and myself to a grand dinner and dance at his town-house in Boston. Not only was he an insufferable Brahmin-type who constantly had his needle-nose imbedded in a box of snuff, and served his guests a dish which looked like enormous boiled insect thoraxes, he also had the appalling nerve to seat me next to the editor of The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet, P. Oliver Gummidge!

Now, in those days, The Brickton Atlas-Trumpet was the hated arch-rival of The Onion, and a filthy Whig mouth-piece to boot. "Ah, glad you could make it, Zweibel," Gummidge said. "Delicious autumn weather they've been having up in Cape Cod. You should see the colors!" So incensed was I at these hostile and inflammatory words that I picked up a tureen of scalding mock-turtle soup and expelled the contents over Gummidge's bald head.

As Gummidge screamed in agony, I collected Mrs. Zweibel and boarded the carriage back to our hotel. How Mrs. Zweibel carried on so! "We'll never be accepted by polite society now!" she wailed. Her head was always filled with silly dreams of becoming a wealthy and respected matron, playing bridge with the Astors and acquiring Baroque art. But I refused to have her emulating the effete, prancing ways of the Whigs, even if it meant a reduced social status!

How I wish my old nurse did not confiscate the bowie-knife I kept under my bed-clothes, or I would board the next canal-barge to Washington and personally slit the throats of as many Whigs as I could find. That is the only way one can deal with Whiggery, and I implore all decent-thinking, true Americans to heed my urgent call to arms!

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