It's Splitsville For Jacko!

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Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

Item! Talk-show host/actress/author/fitness guru/book recommender Oprah Winfrey is now wearing yet another hat: college-football coach! Yes, the ever-versatile Oprah is the new head coach at Western Kentucky University, whose team lost its last 22 games before making the switch. If anyone can motivate people, whether to lose those last 20 pounds or get that ball into the end zone, it's our Oprah. Make that Coach Oprah!

A lot of people have been asking me what I think about the controversial painting of the Virgin Mary that's covered in elephant dung. Elephant dung? I'm sure it stinks!

Item! A pair of celebrity glamour couples were seen double-dating in Miami this weekend. Actor-lovebirds Kirk Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones and red-hot musicmakers Jennifer Lopez and Puffy Daddy were seen swing-dancing together at a Miami dance club Saturday night, partying like it's 1999. No word on whether the couples did any date-swapping, but with those four in a room together, one thing's for sure: A sexy time was had by all!

There's another star in heaven. Academy Award-winning actor George C. Peppard has passed away, leaving a gaping void in the field of thespianism. Peppard was famous for breathing life into two legendary military men, noble American General George Patton and Hannibal Lecter from The A-Team. Whether he was giving a speech in front of a huge American flag or slipping knock-out drops into B.A.'s milk, this great actor was never less than riveting. A 21-gun salute is in order to mark his passing.

Have you seen this new alternative singer Chris Gaines? If you ask me, he looks suspiciously like another music superstar. Could Mr. Gaines actually be none other than Trent Reznor in disguise? I'll keep you posted!

Item! Actor Pee-Wee Herman is proving that there is life after controversy. Following his arrest in a disreputable theater in the 1980s, Herman dropped out of the limelight for about 10 years. Now, using the moniker Paul Reubens, he is making another go at the Hollywood dream. He began his comeback by playing a superhero in the recent action comedy Superhero Squad. While I have not yet seen this film, all accounts would indicate that he is back on track for generating laughter. I say kudos! One of the things that makes this nation great is the virtue of forgiveness, and I think it's high time we let the past rest. Whatever he did is just water under the bridge, and in these troubled times at the dawn of a new millennium, we could all use a hearty laugh.

You know, I am just sick to death of voicemail. "Press one for X, press two for Y, press three for Z." How about I just press the disconnect button until you get me a real person to talk to!

Item! Get ready for more talk shows! SNL (show-biz shorthand for Saturday Night Live, FYI (For Your Information)) alum Martin Short now has one and so does Full House star Queen Latifah. Some people say there are too many celebrity talk shows on TV, but that's like complaining that there are too many chocolate chips in a bag of Chips Ahoy!

Speaking of a lot, there sure do seem to be a lot of judge shows on TV right now. I just might put on the old judicial robes myself to cash in on some of this action. Call me Judge Jackie!

Just so you know, I am fully aware that the dawning of a new TV season is upon us. But I've decided to wait a bit before I throw my two cents in. I mean, a lot of money, time and effort go into these new shows, so I want to give them a fair shake before I start putting my journalistic weight behind them or pushing them off the air with a sharp barb. Right now, all I'll say about the new season is this: Becker is back, and he's as sassy as ever!

Have any of you taken the time recently to stroke a cat as they watch the sun go down? There's nothing better for knocking the old heart rate down a few pegs.

Speaking of getting knocked down a few pegs, that's just what my trusty intern Ian did to me recently. In my last column, I brought you some news about Claire Danes being cast as Bosley in the new Charlie's Angels movie. Well, Ian pointed out that she was actually cast as Cheryl Ladd. I have only one thing to say: You're fired, Ian! Just kidding! Actually, I apologize to you, the reader, for any conversational faux-pas this may have caused you. And to Ian, I'd like to say thank you. I don't mind the criticism. It just helps me be more careful and do a better job.

When I go outside and smell more burning leaves than citronella candles, it can only mean fall is here, and that winter and spring aren't too far behind.

Item! Even Washington has Hollywood fever! The latest rumor out of the nation's Beltway is that the 2000 Democratic presidential ticket will be Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, reuniting the old bosom buddies for a serious run at the Big House. Good luck, fellas!

Well, that's it for this week. So until next time, remember: If life is getting you down, take comfort in the fact that there's a whole world of celebrities out there, all working toward one thing, and that is churning out more entertainment magic to keep you in the pink! Keep an eye out for me soon!