How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


It's Splitsville For Jacko!

Item! Megasuperduperstar Michael Jackson and his wife are calling it quits after five years of wedded bliss. No official word yet on the cause of the divorce, but rumor has it, the wife was frustrated over Jackson's refusal to let her appear in one of his music videos. Sounds like the same thing that tragically drove the Ricardos apart. Let's just hope there's no bitter custody battle over the animals. In times of divorce, the first priority should be to do what is best for the capybaras.

Item! Talk-show host/actress/author/fitness guru/book recommender Oprah Winfrey is now wearing yet another hat: college-football coach! Yes, the ever-versatile Oprah is the new head coach at Western Kentucky University, whose team lost its last 22 games before making the switch. If anyone can motivate people, whether to lose those last 20 pounds or get that ball into the end zone, it's our Oprah. Make that Coach Oprah!

A lot of people have been asking me what I think about the controversial painting of the Virgin Mary that's covered in elephant dung. Elephant dung? I'm sure it stinks!

Item! A pair of celebrity glamour couples were seen double-dating in Miami this weekend. Actor-lovebirds Kirk Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones and red-hot musicmakers Jennifer Lopez and Puffy Daddy were seen swing-dancing together at a Miami dance club Saturday night, partying like it's 1999. No word on whether the couples did any date-swapping, but with those four in a room together, one thing's for sure: A sexy time was had by all!

There's another star in heaven. Academy Award-winning actor George C. Peppard has passed away, leaving a gaping void in the field of thespianism. Peppard was famous for breathing life into two legendary military men, noble American General George Patton and Hannibal Lecter from The A-Team. Whether he was giving a speech in front of a huge American flag or slipping knock-out drops into B.A.'s milk, this great actor was never less than riveting. A 21-gun salute is in order to mark his passing.

Have you seen this new alternative singer Chris Gaines? If you ask me, he looks suspiciously like another music superstar. Could Mr. Gaines actually be none other than Trent Reznor in disguise? I'll keep you posted!

Item! Actor Pee-Wee Herman is proving that there is life after controversy. Following his arrest in a disreputable theater in the 1980s, Herman dropped out of the limelight for about 10 years. Now, using the moniker Paul Reubens, he is making another go at the Hollywood dream. He began his comeback by playing a superhero in the recent action comedy Superhero Squad. While I have not yet seen this film, all accounts would indicate that he is back on track for generating laughter. I say kudos! One of the things that makes this nation great is the virtue of forgiveness, and I think it's high time we let the past rest. Whatever he did is just water under the bridge, and in these troubled times at the dawn of a new millennium, we could all use a hearty laugh.

You know, I am just sick to death of voicemail. "Press one for X, press two for Y, press three for Z." How about I just press the disconnect button until you get me a real person to talk to!

Item! Get ready for more talk shows! SNL (show-biz shorthand for Saturday Night Live, FYI (For Your Information)) alum Martin Short now has one and so does Full House star Queen Latifah. Some people say there are too many celebrity talk shows on TV, but that's like complaining that there are too many chocolate chips in a bag of Chips Ahoy!

Speaking of a lot, there sure do seem to be a lot of judge shows on TV right now. I just might put on the old judicial robes myself to cash in on some of this action. Call me Judge Jackie!

Just so you know, I am fully aware that the dawning of a new TV season is upon us. But I've decided to wait a bit before I throw my two cents in. I mean, a lot of money, time and effort go into these new shows, so I want to give them a fair shake before I start putting my journalistic weight behind them or pushing them off the air with a sharp barb. Right now, all I'll say about the new season is this: Becker is back, and he's as sassy as ever!

Have any of you taken the time recently to stroke a cat as they watch the sun go down? There's nothing better for knocking the old heart rate down a few pegs.

Speaking of getting knocked down a few pegs, that's just what my trusty intern Ian did to me recently. In my last column, I brought you some news about Claire Danes being cast as Bosley in the new Charlie's Angels movie. Well, Ian pointed out that she was actually cast as Cheryl Ladd. I have only one thing to say: You're fired, Ian! Just kidding! Actually, I apologize to you, the reader, for any conversational faux-pas this may have caused you. And to Ian, I'd like to say thank you. I don't mind the criticism. It just helps me be more careful and do a better job.

When I go outside and smell more burning leaves than citronella candles, it can only mean fall is here, and that winter and spring aren't too far behind.

Item! Even Washington has Hollywood fever! The latest rumor out of the nation's Beltway is that the 2000 Democratic presidential ticket will be Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, reuniting the old bosom buddies for a serious run at the Big House. Good luck, fellas!

Well, that's it for this week. So until next time, remember: If life is getting you down, take comfort in the fact that there's a whole world of celebrities out there, all working toward one thing, and that is churning out more entertainment magic to keep you in the pink! Keep an eye out for me soon!

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close