adBlockCheck

It's The First February Of The New Millennium!

Top Headlines

Recent News

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

It's The First February Of The New Millennium!

Happiest of new years to everyone! I hope all of you had a good New Year's Eve and are enjoying this exciting time in human history, the first February of the new millennium! Someday, hundreds of years from now, we as a society will look back on this heady time, when each day in February was the first one of its kind for this new thousand-year period. As for me, I'm doing lots of celebrating, but I can't really get into it right now because we have a ton of gossip to go over. Let's get things rolling.

Item! As I noted in my last column, game-show mania is sweeping the nation! And in the time since, even more have sprung up! In addition to the show that started it all, ABC's How To Be A Millionaire, and Fox's Gettin' Greedy, there's now NBC's Uno and some CBS show with Dick Clark I forgot the name of. I'm not sure which is the best show, but as far as hosts go, I'll take Chuck Woolery every time... Make chit chat, read cue cards, cut to commercials–Chuck can do it all.

Can you believe it? The 29th annual Juno Awards are almost here! March 12 is the night the whole world will be watching as Canada's biggest music stars come out to shine. And what stars they are! Nominees this year include Tom Cochrane, The Tragically Hip, Amanda Marshall, Len, and Our Lady Peace. Best Single promises to be a hard-fought category, with Matthew Good Band's "Hello Time Bomb" duking it out against The Tea Party's "Heaven Coming Down." And how about that Best Male Artist category? Will it be Paul Brandt, Bryan Adams, or Choclair? Who knows, but with that sort of competition, you'd better believe I'll be glued to CBC to find out!

I don't know why it's happening now, but Colonel Harry Potter of M*A*S*H fame seems to be enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Instead of being on TV, though, he's the star of his own series of bestselling children's books. Now I've seen everything! Hey, I don't care whether he's fighting the good fight in Korea or having magical adventures with his imaginary wizard pals, I love that gruff straight-shooter with a heart of gold!

Now, I feel strongly that that little Alien Gonzalez boy should go live with his father, but I have to say, that cousin he's living with is pretty cute.

Super Bowl? More like Snooze-per Bowl! Did you see that thing? The whole game, the two teams were just going up and down the field and never scoring. And who were those teams, anyway? I never heard of either of them!

Actually, the biggest news to come out of that not-so-Super Bowl was buried in one of the commercials. Are you ready? You might want to sit down... Christopher Reeve is walking again! I forget the name of the investment company that cured him, but they did it! News like this you shouldn't have to see on a TV ad. It should be blasting as the biggest headline of every front page in America! Shame on the media for letting this one slip by. Oh, and kudos to Christopher Reeve, a truly super man. If anyone deserves functioning legs, it's you, Mr. Reeve.

Did you see Ricky Martin on the American Music Awards? He tore up the stage with that smash-hit of his, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida-Loca." I tell you, he's still got it after all these months!

Item! Whitney Houston was recently busted at a Honolulu airport. From the looks of what security guards found in her purse, the superstar songbird thinks marijuana is "The Greatest Drug Of All." I say Whitney needs to ditch that no-good, bad-influence husband of hers before he gets her into even deeper trouble. Do the right thing, Whitney: Divorce Bobby and marry Denzel Washington, so we can all enjoy years of fabulous magazine photos of what would surely be America's most glamorous celebrity couple.

Hey, do any of you own a Kia? I'm in the market for a new car, and I've been considering getting one of those. Not only are they economical; they're sporty and svelte! Just the thing for a single guy on the move, no?

On a sadder note, the nation mourns the loss of two of our greatest acting treasures. Of course, I am talking about What's Happening star Shirley Hemphill and that guy who played the Lone Ranger. Do you know what would have been great? If these two power hitters could have teamed up to form a TV crime-fighting duo. It could have been called Sassy & Classy, because those two had both, and then some.

No word yet on those rumors of Matthew Broderick joining the cast of Friends.

Item! Rolling Stone magazine recently revealed the parentage of singer Melissa Etheridge's baby! Of course, she was the mother, but did you know that the father was not her husband, but corpulent drug sack David Crosby? I don't know. I guess her husband must have been sterile. I'm just glad they came up with a solution that benefited everyone: Melissa Etheridge got a baby and David Crosby got to have sex.

Speaking of fatherhood, it seems to be all the rage right now. Not only are Larry King and Michael Douglas expecting, James "Scotty" Doohan is a father... at 80! If anyone deserves a baby, it's a man who doesn't have much time left in this world.

Have you seen this amazing new show The Sopranos? I haven't, either.

And, to sign off, I would like to offer my heartfelt get-well wishes to David Letterman, who is temporarily out of commission following heart surgery. I know how hard it can be. I had my appendix out last year, and I was scared and lonely in the hospital. So, Dave, if you need someone to talk to, I've given instructions to my new secretary Peggy to pass along my number if you call. Remember, folks: If we don't take care of our stars, who will?

Well, that's all for now, my faithful Harveyheads. Until next time, I'll see you on the big silver screen!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close