It's The First February Of The New Millennium!

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Vol 36 Issue 04

Compliment Suspiciously Vague

ST. CHARLES, MO–According to area secretary Iris Sheehan, co-worker Ellen Higgins' compliment of her new hairstyle was suspiciously vague. "I asked Ellen how she liked my new 'do, and she said it was 'really something.' What the heck does that mean?" Sheehan said. "When I asked her to explain, she said, 'It just suits you really well.'" Sheehan said she has not been this upset over a vague compliment since May 1999, when a friend described her singing voice as "very energetic."

Sole Survivor Of Air Crash Has Asia's 'Sole Survivor' Stuck In Head

PORT HUENEME, CA–Ronald DeGaetano, sole survivor of the Jan. 31 Alaska Airlines crash that claimed 88 lives, has had the 1982 Asia song "Sole Survivor" stuck in his head ever since. "Goddamn it, I can't get that stupid thing out of my head," DeGaetano said. "After the plane went down, I was floating out there in the Pacific, thinking about how I was the sole survivor, and for some reason, that song popped into my head. Now I can't get it out, and it's driving me friggin' nuts." DeGaetano said that if he does not shake the song soon, he is going to "start wishing I hadn't been the sole survivor."

Police Seek Suspect In Series Of Random Later Hostings

BURBANK, CA–The Burbank Police Department is on the trail of an unnamed NBC executive believed to be responsible for a string of random Later hostings dating back to April 1996, it was reported Monday. "This brutal, senseless parade of C-list celebrities in the host's chair must end," police chief Dennis Showalter said. "We will do everything in our power to bring to justice the fiend responsible for the countless painfully awkward interviews perpetrated by the low-wattage likes of Peri Gilpin, Jerry O'Connell, and Rita Sever."

Dental Hygienist Angered By Lack Of Flossing

SCOTTSDALE, AZ–Dental hygienist Bernadette Gable was angered Tuesday by patient Richard Tepfer's failure to floss regularly. "Just look at all this plaque build-up," said Gable, scolding Tepfer during his annual teeth-cleaning. "I explicitly told you last time you were here to floss at least once a day. Why would you just ignore my instructions?" The outraged Gable then pointed toward a poster of a grotesque, bloody mouth ravaged by gum disease, asking Tepfer if he wanted to look like that someday.

Grandma Still Swallowing Okay, Grandpa Reports

BOCA RATON, FL–In an encouraging report issued Monday by Grandpa, Grandma is still swallowing okay. "Yes, Grandma is getting her food down fine," Grandpa said. "She was having a little trouble a few weeks back–especially with the turkey breast, and sometimes even with her stewed prunes, which usually give her no difficulty at all–but things are much better now." Despite the improvement, Grandpa said he "won't take any more chances" with pot roast.

Alan Keyes Admits: 'I Just Enjoy Campaigning'

AIKEN, SC–Following a speech Monday at the Rotary Club of Aiken, two-time Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes admitted that he "just enjoy[s] campaigning." Said Keyes, a distant fourth-place finisher in the Feb. 1 New Hampshire primary: "It's a lot of fun. You get to fly around on airplanes, meet lots of nice people, and make speeches at big, fancy podiums. And sometimes, a reporter comes, and they put your picture in the paper. I only wish I could do it more than once every four years." Keyes, who has previously lost two U.S. Senate races, as well as the 1996 Republican presidential bid, added that "having your own bumper sticker is really neat."

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

The Treasury Department recently issued a new $1 Sacajawea coin, which is only available at banks and Wal-Mart. What do you think about the government making Wal-Mart an exclusive outlet for U.S. currency?
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Family

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Good Times

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MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

It's The First February Of The New Millennium!

Happiest of new years to everyone! I hope all of you had a good New Year's Eve and are enjoying this exciting time in human history, the first February of the new millennium! Someday, hundreds of years from now, we as a society will look back on this heady time, when each day in February was the first one of its kind for this new thousand-year period. As for me, I'm doing lots of celebrating, but I can't really get into it right now because we have a ton of gossip to go over. Let's get things rolling.

Item! As I noted in my last column, game-show mania is sweeping the nation! And in the time since, even more have sprung up! In addition to the show that started it all, ABC's How To Be A Millionaire, and Fox's Gettin' Greedy, there's now NBC's Uno and some CBS show with Dick Clark I forgot the name of. I'm not sure which is the best show, but as far as hosts go, I'll take Chuck Woolery every time... Make chit chat, read cue cards, cut to commercials–Chuck can do it all.

Can you believe it? The 29th annual Juno Awards are almost here! March 12 is the night the whole world will be watching as Canada's biggest music stars come out to shine. And what stars they are! Nominees this year include Tom Cochrane, The Tragically Hip, Amanda Marshall, Len, and Our Lady Peace. Best Single promises to be a hard-fought category, with Matthew Good Band's "Hello Time Bomb" duking it out against The Tea Party's "Heaven Coming Down." And how about that Best Male Artist category? Will it be Paul Brandt, Bryan Adams, or Choclair? Who knows, but with that sort of competition, you'd better believe I'll be glued to CBC to find out!

I don't know why it's happening now, but Colonel Harry Potter of M*A*S*H fame seems to be enjoying a resurgence in popularity. Instead of being on TV, though, he's the star of his own series of bestselling children's books. Now I've seen everything! Hey, I don't care whether he's fighting the good fight in Korea or having magical adventures with his imaginary wizard pals, I love that gruff straight-shooter with a heart of gold!

Now, I feel strongly that that little Alien Gonzalez boy should go live with his father, but I have to say, that cousin he's living with is pretty cute.

Super Bowl? More like Snooze-per Bowl! Did you see that thing? The whole game, the two teams were just going up and down the field and never scoring. And who were those teams, anyway? I never heard of either of them!

Actually, the biggest news to come out of that not-so-Super Bowl was buried in one of the commercials. Are you ready? You might want to sit down... Christopher Reeve is walking again! I forget the name of the investment company that cured him, but they did it! News like this you shouldn't have to see on a TV ad. It should be blasting as the biggest headline of every front page in America! Shame on the media for letting this one slip by. Oh, and kudos to Christopher Reeve, a truly super man. If anyone deserves functioning legs, it's you, Mr. Reeve.

Did you see Ricky Martin on the American Music Awards? He tore up the stage with that smash-hit of his, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida-Loca." I tell you, he's still got it after all these months!

Item! Whitney Houston was recently busted at a Honolulu airport. From the looks of what security guards found in her purse, the superstar songbird thinks marijuana is "The Greatest Drug Of All." I say Whitney needs to ditch that no-good, bad-influence husband of hers before he gets her into even deeper trouble. Do the right thing, Whitney: Divorce Bobby and marry Denzel Washington, so we can all enjoy years of fabulous magazine photos of what would surely be America's most glamorous celebrity couple.

Hey, do any of you own a Kia? I'm in the market for a new car, and I've been considering getting one of those. Not only are they economical; they're sporty and svelte! Just the thing for a single guy on the move, no?

On a sadder note, the nation mourns the loss of two of our greatest acting treasures. Of course, I am talking about What's Happening star Shirley Hemphill and that guy who played the Lone Ranger. Do you know what would have been great? If these two power hitters could have teamed up to form a TV crime-fighting duo. It could have been called Sassy & Classy, because those two had both, and then some.

No word yet on those rumors of Matthew Broderick joining the cast of Friends.

Item! Rolling Stone magazine recently revealed the parentage of singer Melissa Etheridge's baby! Of course, she was the mother, but did you know that the father was not her husband, but corpulent drug sack David Crosby? I don't know. I guess her husband must have been sterile. I'm just glad they came up with a solution that benefited everyone: Melissa Etheridge got a baby and David Crosby got to have sex.

Speaking of fatherhood, it seems to be all the rage right now. Not only are Larry King and Michael Douglas expecting, James "Scotty" Doohan is a father... at 80! If anyone deserves a baby, it's a man who doesn't have much time left in this world.

Have you seen this amazing new show The Sopranos? I haven't, either.

And, to sign off, I would like to offer my heartfelt get-well wishes to David Letterman, who is temporarily out of commission following heart surgery. I know how hard it can be. I had my appendix out last year, and I was scared and lonely in the hospital. So, Dave, if you need someone to talk to, I've given instructions to my new secretary Peggy to pass along my number if you call. Remember, folks: If we don't take care of our stars, who will?

Well, that's all for now, my faithful Harveyheads. Until next time, I'll see you on the big silver screen!

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