It's Time For Summer Blockbuster Movie Magic!

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Vol 36 Issue 24

Secretary Pretty Sure Vending-Machine Guy Is That Uncaptured Serial Rapist

MONROE, MI–Midwest Heating & Air Conditioning secretary Liz Boorstein said Monday she is "almost positive" that the United Vending Services worker who comes by once a month to refill the break-room snack machine is the serial rapist reported on the loose in the area. "Don't you go in there alone if he's in there," Boorstein, 40, warned co-worker Jen Rall. "He looks just like the guy in the police sketch they had on the news. And once, he gave me this really weird look when he was putting in the Kit-Kats." In May, Boorstein was "100 percent sure" that a small hole in one of the ladies' room stalls was the work of a "Midwest Heating & Air-Conditioning peeping tom."

Man Watching Cleopatra 2525 Has No Time To Read

MCALESTER, OK–Despite his great love of literature, Cleopatra 2525 viewer Kenneth Washburn doesn't have time to read, the 33-year-old McAlester resident reported Monday. "Sure, I'd love to curl up with a good book a lot more often," said Washburn as he watched Cleopatra, an exotic dancer cryogenically frozen in 2001 and accidentally thawed out in 2525 by two female warriors, race through a futuristic cityscape to evade a horde of murderous Betrayer robots. "But, unfortunately, between work and chores and everything else, there just isn't much time." Washburn then flipped over to E! Wild On The Mediterranean during a commercial break.

Local Play Well-Attended By Friends, Family

WOONSOCKET, RI–The Woonsocket Community Players' summer production of The Music Man drew 200 friends and relatives of the cast to the Woonsocket Community Center Monday. "Rebecca sang so beautifully," said Eunice Banks, grandmother of Rebecca Stevens, who played Marian in the production. "And everyone else did a wonderful job." Similar accolades were lavished on the play by the sister of the pianist, the college roommate of the actor playing Mayor Shinn, and Woonsocket Register editor Edward Roth, whose wife costumed the play.

Trouble Again In TV's Africa

ATLANTA–Once again, trouble is brewing in TV's Africa, it was reported Monday on CNN, the network that airs the long-running continent. "In last night's episode of Headline News, there was major civil unrest in Mozambique," said viewer Larry Cronin of Peekskill, NY. "One of the characters, this insane guy called General Abuye, was waving this huge machete in front of a burning village. It was crazy. But then there was this really sad part, where this whole refugee camp full of AIDS-infected orphans were starving. I wonder what'll happen tonight." Africa, TV's 17th-rated geographic area this season, has not been number one in the News Nielsens since 1985, the year the Bob Geldof-hosted "Live Aid Airlift" season finale drew a record 45 million viewers.

Leather-Jacketed Congressman Makes Up His Own Rules

WASHINGTON, DC–U.S. Rep. Vinnie Abruzzo (I-NY), the greasy-haired, leather-jacketed legislator who joined Congress in January 1999, is fast earning a reputation as a man who makes up his own rules. "Just yesterday, Vinnie introduced H.R. 4673, which would amend the Internal Revenue Code of 1986 to provide for the establishment of medical security accounts for individuals who are 40 or older," said Rep. Howard Coble (R-NC). "When he did that, we were all like, 'Whoa, this guy's got his own set of laws he's making up here.' If we don't like it, I guess we could vote 'Nay,' but I don't know if that'd be such a good idea."

The Dot-Com Fallout

The darlings of Wall Street until March of this year, dot-com companies have fallen on hard times, with countless Internet businesses going belly-up or seeing their market value plummet. What do you think of the struggles of the New Economy?

Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To

I've always thought of myself as a creative guy. Whenever my friends in the Star Wars novel-reading club schedule a Sunday-night Star Wars viewing party, I like to get into the spirit of things by dressing up in a theme outfit. And, of course, a big part of the excitement is dressing up my pet Cocker Spaniel, Nikto, as a character from the films or expanded universe, too.
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It's Time For Summer Blockbuster Movie Magic!

Whassssuuuuup!!!! For those of you unfamiliar with the TV commercial, you should imagine me waggling my tongue comically right now. It's very funny. But on with the news.

Item! Summer's here, and that can only mean one thing: Runaway blockbuster movie magic! There's The Ex-Men, which is about a bunch of sexy girls with super powers who will "blow" you away. Then there's Mission Impossible 2, which proves once and for all that Tom Cruise isn't just another pretty face. Then there's The Patriot, which I understand has sparked a major controversy, though I'm not sure exactly what. Big Storm Coming is about a boat trapped in a storm, and it makes us care about fishermen.

The biggest box-office surprise of the season, however, is Scary Movie, starring Jenny McCarthy and a bunch of Wayanses. I saw it last weekend, and I give it an "H"... for Hilarious! It's got characters saying all sorts of stuff from other movies, like, "I see dead people" and "I know what you did last summer." One guy even says, "Whassssuuuuup!!!!"–just like in that beer commercial! I don't want to give away too much more, but if you liked it when Tom Hanks said, "Life is like a box of chocolates," you're gonna die laughing when you hear one of those Wayans brothers say it.

Item! Gross-out comedian Tom Green and devilish Angel (because she's in the new Charlie's Angels movie) Drew Barrymore are getting married. They both have rocky pasts, but I'm sure they can be a stabilizing influence on one another. Plus, if someone as ugly as Green can marry a beautiful woman like Barrymore, there might be hope for me!

Item! Randy Quaid and Meg Ryan are getting divorced! The ex-lovebirds met on the set of Saturday Night Live in November 1985, when Quaid was a star on the show and Meg was the guest host. Apparently, life had not exactly been a "Vegas Vacation" of late for the couple, and they decided to go their separate ways. I wish the best to both of them, two of the classiest class acts in all of Tinseltown. And Meg, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on...

Hey! When I typed Quaid into my computer's spell-checker, here's what it came up with: "quad," "quid," "queried," and "quail." That's pretty funny. Maybe I'll send that to Harper's.

Item! Bad News Bear Walter Matthau died recently. He was crotchety and cantankerous, but he was always a familiar face to see on the scene. Sure, he may never have gotten the respect that his acting comrade Jack Lemmon got, nor did he get the roles he should have, but he did manage to get the girl from time to time, and he taught us that winning isn't everything. Walter, we'll miss you.

Hey, did I mention that I took the Pepsi Challenge? I wasn't on TV, I just did it myself at home. And, boy, was I surprised by the results!

Item! Just when you thought nothing could knock Who Wants To Win A Millionaire off the top of the entertainment heap, along comes a little show called Survival that does just that. The show is about a cast of people stranded on an island together who have to work together to survive. And, just like in real life, there are challenges and setbacks and girls in bikinis. Anyway, you should watch it because it's fascinating to see little societies emerge. If only everyone could get together and help one another like they do on Survival, we'd have a better world.

There's also a show called Big Brother where everyone is in a house together, but that's on five nights a week, and there are hotter shows to watch.

Item! I just saw a news piece on The Today Show about a rap singer named M&M. Apparently, he sings profanity-filled raps about killing people and taking pot. And, sure, this is nothing new to music, but he doesn't balance it out with songs about love the way The Turtles did. I wouldn't say that no one should listen to this kind of music, but maybe we should really look at what we and our children are listening to and decide whether it's right for us. I think in the case of M&M, we'd decide that it wasn't.

I don't want a mobile phone, but if I thought it would save my life, I'd probably get one.

Item! I have it on good authority that Hollywood bad boy Harry Dean Stanton is being considered to portray himself in a new Molly Ringwald biopic. As you may know, Stanton was in Pretty In Pink with Ringwald, and the two struck up a friendship. Well, I don't know which I'm more excited for: a new Harry Dean Stanton movie or a Molly Ringwald biopic. Good thing I don't have to choose!

Speaking of Molly Ringwald, I'm not mad at her, but if I were, I'd refer to her as Molly Ringworm.

Well, another week, another hearty Hollywood scoop, served up just the way you like it: Hot! Now, I can't say anything just yet because I'm trying to verify it with sources, but let's just say for now that a certain Robin Williams co-star and stage performer may be... sensitive, if you know what I mean. If you don't, don't worry. I'll bring you more information next time. Until then, hold your breath and beat the summer heat with a trip to the movies. And remember, this scoop will stay on the outside... for you!

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