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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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It's Time For Summer Blockbuster Movie Magic!

Whassssuuuuup!!!! For those of you unfamiliar with the TV commercial, you should imagine me waggling my tongue comically right now. It's very funny. But on with the news.

Item! Summer's here, and that can only mean one thing: Runaway blockbuster movie magic! There's The Ex-Men, which is about a bunch of sexy girls with super powers who will "blow" you away. Then there's Mission Impossible 2, which proves once and for all that Tom Cruise isn't just another pretty face. Then there's The Patriot, which I understand has sparked a major controversy, though I'm not sure exactly what. Big Storm Coming is about a boat trapped in a storm, and it makes us care about fishermen.

The biggest box-office surprise of the season, however, is Scary Movie, starring Jenny McCarthy and a bunch of Wayanses. I saw it last weekend, and I give it an "H"... for Hilarious! It's got characters saying all sorts of stuff from other movies, like, "I see dead people" and "I know what you did last summer." One guy even says, "Whassssuuuuup!!!!"–just like in that beer commercial! I don't want to give away too much more, but if you liked it when Tom Hanks said, "Life is like a box of chocolates," you're gonna die laughing when you hear one of those Wayans brothers say it.

Item! Gross-out comedian Tom Green and devilish Angel (because she's in the new Charlie's Angels movie) Drew Barrymore are getting married. They both have rocky pasts, but I'm sure they can be a stabilizing influence on one another. Plus, if someone as ugly as Green can marry a beautiful woman like Barrymore, there might be hope for me!

Item! Randy Quaid and Meg Ryan are getting divorced! The ex-lovebirds met on the set of Saturday Night Live in November 1985, when Quaid was a star on the show and Meg was the guest host. Apparently, life had not exactly been a "Vegas Vacation" of late for the couple, and they decided to go their separate ways. I wish the best to both of them, two of the classiest class acts in all of Tinseltown. And Meg, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on...

Hey! When I typed Quaid into my computer's spell-checker, here's what it came up with: "quad," "quid," "queried," and "quail." That's pretty funny. Maybe I'll send that to Harper's.

Item! Bad News Bear Walter Matthau died recently. He was crotchety and cantankerous, but he was always a familiar face to see on the scene. Sure, he may never have gotten the respect that his acting comrade Jack Lemmon got, nor did he get the roles he should have, but he did manage to get the girl from time to time, and he taught us that winning isn't everything. Walter, we'll miss you.

Hey, did I mention that I took the Pepsi Challenge? I wasn't on TV, I just did it myself at home. And, boy, was I surprised by the results!

Item! Just when you thought nothing could knock Who Wants To Win A Millionaire off the top of the entertainment heap, along comes a little show called Survival that does just that. The show is about a cast of people stranded on an island together who have to work together to survive. And, just like in real life, there are challenges and setbacks and girls in bikinis. Anyway, you should watch it because it's fascinating to see little societies emerge. If only everyone could get together and help one another like they do on Survival, we'd have a better world.

There's also a show called Big Brother where everyone is in a house together, but that's on five nights a week, and there are hotter shows to watch.

Item! I just saw a news piece on The Today Show about a rap singer named M&M. Apparently, he sings profanity-filled raps about killing people and taking pot. And, sure, this is nothing new to music, but he doesn't balance it out with songs about love the way The Turtles did. I wouldn't say that no one should listen to this kind of music, but maybe we should really look at what we and our children are listening to and decide whether it's right for us. I think in the case of M&M, we'd decide that it wasn't.

I don't want a mobile phone, but if I thought it would save my life, I'd probably get one.

Item! I have it on good authority that Hollywood bad boy Harry Dean Stanton is being considered to portray himself in a new Molly Ringwald biopic. As you may know, Stanton was in Pretty In Pink with Ringwald, and the two struck up a friendship. Well, I don't know which I'm more excited for: a new Harry Dean Stanton movie or a Molly Ringwald biopic. Good thing I don't have to choose!

Speaking of Molly Ringwald, I'm not mad at her, but if I were, I'd refer to her as Molly Ringworm.

Well, another week, another hearty Hollywood scoop, served up just the way you like it: Hot! Now, I can't say anything just yet because I'm trying to verify it with sources, but let's just say for now that a certain Robin Williams co-star and stage performer may be... sensitive, if you know what I mean. If you don't, don't worry. I'll bring you more information next time. Until then, hold your breath and beat the summer heat with a trip to the movies. And remember, this scoop will stay on the outside... for you!

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