adBlockCheck

It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!

Happy 1999 everybody!

Don't....worry....I....won't....hurt....you....I....only....want.... you....to....have....some....fun! I'm sure you know what song that is! I've been waiting to print that for about three years now, ever since I realized it would one day be 1999. I brought in the New Year at a party some friends of mine were having. A little bubbly, a little food and a whole lot of love in the room. Now, that's the way to ring in a new year.

My New Year's resolution for 1999 is to bring you, my faithful readers, even bigger, juicier scoops of Tinseltown gossip. So, without further ado...

Item! Is Hollywood super couple Ben Affleck and Matt Damon on the rocks? They used to show up at virtually every gala movie premiere on each other's arm, but lately, the two mega-hunks have rarely been seen together. In fact, the last time Ben was spotted, he was being squired about town by the beautiful Gwyneth Paltrow. Could this mean that Ben and Matt are splitsville? Calls to publicists went unanswered, so let's just say it doesn't look good. That's too bad. They looked so wonderful together!

Speaking of too bad, the tail end of 1998 witnessed a cruel spurt of tragic celebrity deaths. Both Nipsey Russell, star of NBC's Nipsey!, and Norman Fell, star of The Ropers, sailed away into that great television soundstage in the sky. Both lived long and prosperous lives, and they will be fondly remembered. Let's just hope we don't lose any more stars in this, the last year of the millennium. It's always sad when someone dies, but it's doubly tragic when the person is rich and famous.

And while we're on the subject of the new millennium, I'm tired of all these wet blankets talking about the Y2K bug. If you believe what they're saying, banks will close, food will run out, and there will be slavering, bloodthirsty, torch-wielding mobs running wild in the streets. Sheesh! Some people will do anything to spoil your fun. I say it's all a bunch of hooey, and this will be one of Harvey's Clean Sweeps For '99. Let's pretend we never heard of the darn thing!

Item! According to one of my more reliable sources, Uma Thurman recently made a trip to the doctor. She went in looking a bit on the chubby side and came out looking slim and trim again. That can only mean one thing: cosmetic surgery. It's an epidemic in Hollywood. Why can't Hollywood stars just be happy with who they are, or at least take better care of themselves so they don't have to go for these quick fixes?

After all these years, there still isn't a better cleanser on the market than Ajax. Kudos to the folks at Colgate-Palmolive!

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that, with the exception of Penny Marshall, Rosie O'Donnell no longer associates with humans? Every time I see her, she's surrounded by a giant entourage of Muppets. Come on, Rosie, we homo sapiens may not be perfect, but we do have our good points!

Say, what ever happened to Claire Danes? One minute, she's the bees knees, and the next, she's nowhere in sight. Is something sinister afoot? I'll look into this more and keep you updated, faithful readers.

Item! 'Tis the season... for basketball! After a long strike, the pro hoopsters are finally back. Guess you can't keep a good sport down. At least, not when there's $2.1 billion in television and advertising revenue at stake. I can't tell you how good it will be to see Shaquille O'Neal dunking again. And then there's football! Go Raiders! Go Chiefs! Go all the other teams! I'm behind America's athletes, 100 percent!

What was the deal with those Furbys? This Christmas, all I was hearing was Furby this and Furby that, but I never saw anyone fighting over them like they fought in The Great Cabbage Patch Riots of '83. I saw a picture of a Furby, and it is the most hideous-looking toy in recent memory. They look like killer robotic bird-monkeys. I say they're no Teddy Ruxpins, and they're outta here! Let's make this another one of Harvey's Clean Sweeps For '99!

Did anyone get a really great Christmas present? I received a wonderful pair of Dearfoam slippers, and I just want to take time out to say, "Thanks, Mom."

Item! I just saw a spine-chilling new horror movie, and the name of it is Jack Frost! In it, Michael Keaton dies and comes back to life as a terrifying snowman who stalks his wife and child. I thought Chucky and that leprechaun were scary, but when it comes to giving the audience a good fright, Mr. Frost takes the cake!

Do you know what would be the best movie in the world? A movie starring Meg Ryan, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and Billy Crystal. Wouldn't that be something? America is paralyzed by blizzards, but the warmth generated by a movie like that would be enough to melt all the snow in the world for years to come.

No word yet on concert dates and locations for the big Ashford & Simpson reunion tour, but the minute I hear anything, you'll be the first to know. That's a promise that's solid as a rock!

Almost everyone who has been writing me has been asking what I think of Kirk Cameron taking over for Jimmy Smits on NYPD Blue. Well, I haven't yet fully made up my mind, but one thing's for sure... I'll be watching!

Well, that about wraps it up for another installment of the Outside Scoop. So until next time, remember: That glow to the west isn't the first light of the coming apocalypse. It's just the natural glow of the great American dream machine—Hollywood!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close