It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!

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Vol 35 Issue 01

Important Piece Of Paper Tragically Smudged With Breadstick Grease

LOS ANGELES—An important piece of paper was tragically and irreversibly smudged Monday, when Los Angeles marketing executive Nelson Whittier inadvertently handled a sales-strategy proposal while eating a grease-soaked Pizzeria Uno breadstick. "Shit. Fuck. Goddamn it," said Whittier, who was giving the proposal "a final look-see" during his lunch hour when then tragic smudging occurred. "Fuck." The smudges, described as a pair of opaque, thumb-shaped stains, one on each side of the document, are believed to be permanent. Following the incident, Whittier spent the next 45 minutes holding the piece of paper up to the light and swearing loudly.

Herbie Goes Bananas

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Herbie, the media-dubbed "Love Bug," became entangled Monday in a series of madcap South American misadventures which ultimately resulted in his going bananas. "One minute, everything was fine, and the next, Herbie was going what I could only describe as 'bananas,'" witness Harvey Korman told reporters. The sentient 1963 Volkswagen Beetle, in Rio De Janeiro to compete in the Grande Premio auto race, reportedly went bananas after unwittingly becoming mixed up with a smuggling ring, a plucky orphan pickpocket, and an angry bull. Despite the zany, trying nature of his ordeal, Herbie said he fully intends to ride again.

A Woman In The White House?

Elizabeth Dole's recent decision to leave the Red Cross is regarded by many as a sign that she will run for president in 2000. What do you think about the prospect of a first-ever female president?

I've Wanted To Be A Sales Rep Ever Since I Was 34

I'll bet a lot of people out there are wondering how someone like me got to where I am today. How did an average guy who never had a lot of formal education and, frankly, wasn't expected to go very far, wind up making it to one of the top sales positions at the second largest distributor of bathroom fixtures in all of Kentucky? Well, I'll tell you. It happened because a man had a dream, and he never lost sight of that dream. You see, ever since I was just 34, I've wanted to be a sales rep.
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Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!

Happy 1999 everybody!

Don't....worry....I....won't....hurt....you....I....only....want.... you....to....have....some....fun! I'm sure you know what song that is! I've been waiting to print that for about three years now, ever since I realized it would one day be 1999. I brought in the New Year at a party some friends of mine were having. A little bubbly, a little food and a whole lot of love in the room. Now, that's the way to ring in a new year.

My New Year's resolution for 1999 is to bring you, my faithful readers, even bigger, juicier scoops of Tinseltown gossip. So, without further ado...

Item! Is Hollywood super couple Ben Affleck and Matt Damon on the rocks? They used to show up at virtually every gala movie premiere on each other's arm, but lately, the two mega-hunks have rarely been seen together. In fact, the last time Ben was spotted, he was being squired about town by the beautiful Gwyneth Paltrow. Could this mean that Ben and Matt are splitsville? Calls to publicists went unanswered, so let's just say it doesn't look good. That's too bad. They looked so wonderful together!

Speaking of too bad, the tail end of 1998 witnessed a cruel spurt of tragic celebrity deaths. Both Nipsey Russell, star of NBC's Nipsey!, and Norman Fell, star of The Ropers, sailed away into that great television soundstage in the sky. Both lived long and prosperous lives, and they will be fondly remembered. Let's just hope we don't lose any more stars in this, the last year of the millennium. It's always sad when someone dies, but it's doubly tragic when the person is rich and famous.

And while we're on the subject of the new millennium, I'm tired of all these wet blankets talking about the Y2K bug. If you believe what they're saying, banks will close, food will run out, and there will be slavering, bloodthirsty, torch-wielding mobs running wild in the streets. Sheesh! Some people will do anything to spoil your fun. I say it's all a bunch of hooey, and this will be one of Harvey's Clean Sweeps For '99. Let's pretend we never heard of the darn thing!

Item! According to one of my more reliable sources, Uma Thurman recently made a trip to the doctor. She went in looking a bit on the chubby side and came out looking slim and trim again. That can only mean one thing: cosmetic surgery. It's an epidemic in Hollywood. Why can't Hollywood stars just be happy with who they are, or at least take better care of themselves so they don't have to go for these quick fixes?

After all these years, there still isn't a better cleanser on the market than Ajax. Kudos to the folks at Colgate-Palmolive!

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that, with the exception of Penny Marshall, Rosie O'Donnell no longer associates with humans? Every time I see her, she's surrounded by a giant entourage of Muppets. Come on, Rosie, we homo sapiens may not be perfect, but we do have our good points!

Say, what ever happened to Claire Danes? One minute, she's the bees knees, and the next, she's nowhere in sight. Is something sinister afoot? I'll look into this more and keep you updated, faithful readers.

Item! 'Tis the season... for basketball! After a long strike, the pro hoopsters are finally back. Guess you can't keep a good sport down. At least, not when there's $2.1 billion in television and advertising revenue at stake. I can't tell you how good it will be to see Shaquille O'Neal dunking again. And then there's football! Go Raiders! Go Chiefs! Go all the other teams! I'm behind America's athletes, 100 percent!

What was the deal with those Furbys? This Christmas, all I was hearing was Furby this and Furby that, but I never saw anyone fighting over them like they fought in The Great Cabbage Patch Riots of '83. I saw a picture of a Furby, and it is the most hideous-looking toy in recent memory. They look like killer robotic bird-monkeys. I say they're no Teddy Ruxpins, and they're outta here! Let's make this another one of Harvey's Clean Sweeps For '99!

Did anyone get a really great Christmas present? I received a wonderful pair of Dearfoam slippers, and I just want to take time out to say, "Thanks, Mom."

Item! I just saw a spine-chilling new horror movie, and the name of it is Jack Frost! In it, Michael Keaton dies and comes back to life as a terrifying snowman who stalks his wife and child. I thought Chucky and that leprechaun were scary, but when it comes to giving the audience a good fright, Mr. Frost takes the cake!

Do you know what would be the best movie in the world? A movie starring Meg Ryan, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and Billy Crystal. Wouldn't that be something? America is paralyzed by blizzards, but the warmth generated by a movie like that would be enough to melt all the snow in the world for years to come.

No word yet on concert dates and locations for the big Ashford & Simpson reunion tour, but the minute I hear anything, you'll be the first to know. That's a promise that's solid as a rock!

Almost everyone who has been writing me has been asking what I think of Kirk Cameron taking over for Jimmy Smits on NYPD Blue. Well, I haven't yet fully made up my mind, but one thing's for sure... I'll be watching!

Well, that about wraps it up for another installment of the Outside Scoop. So until next time, remember: That glow to the west isn't the first light of the coming apocalypse. It's just the natural glow of the great American dream machine—Hollywood!

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