It's True (Or Drew) Love!

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Vol 33 Issue 11

Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is reportedly thinking about maybe taking out the garbage. "Yeah, those pizza boxes are really starting to pile up there," said Wells, speaking from his living-room couch. "I guess I should take care of that. But first I'm gonna finish building this house made out of Entertainment Weekly subscription-card inserts."

Governor Pardons Self For Living

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the four-page pardon, which absolves Engler from all culpability in his own existence. "I guess I'm not God. Hope that's okay with everybody." The sneering, sarcastic tone of the gubernatorial pardon is believed to be a reaction to the widespread criticism leveled at Engler in recent weeks, including a Lansing News-Clarion editorial calling him "Governor Lame-o" and a report by Detroit's NBC-TV affiliate suggesting that he "get half a clue." "I am sooo sorry I didn't live up to your expectations," Engler said.

Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely dented Callisto and Europa Monday, causing an estimated $700 quadrillion in damage. "Apparently, a comet passed within Saturn's orbit just ahead of Callisto," Observatory associate director Charles Rayburn said, "causing Callisto to swerve and lose control, colliding with Europa and creating a pileup which Ganymede struck from behind." None of the three moons were insured.

Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what their grandson does for a living. "We are very proud of our Charles," said Nancy, 82. "Whatever he does in that job of his, I'm sure it's very impressive." Said Walter: "I think what Charles does is make sure companies have enough computers and employees so that they can—oh, I haven't a clue." The couple also has no idea what their granddaughter, Erica Haselrig, a Lodi, NJ, human-resources supervisor, does for a living.

Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African nation are going wild for the great taste of any food whatsoever. The new "absolutely anything edible" fad is reflected in current Sudanese youth fashions, dominated by neon-colored, zebra-striped hats and shirts featuring slogans like, "Do you have any food?" and "I am extremely hungry." Sociologist Gavin Werner of Tufts University explained the craze: "For these young people, such fads are a way of setting themselves apart from their parents and forging a generational identity of their own. They are also starving to death and must obtain food if they are to live much longer."

Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

Ask A Wiccan

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls.
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It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!

Item! Hunky Brad Pit, last seen playing The Dolly Llama, has landed the role of his lifetime. The buzz is that Pit will play none other than Jesus Christ in an upcoming movie. Now, he won't actually be Jesus Christ, but he will play a character whose life parallels His. It will be done as an allegory–a lesser-known and underused cinematic device in which one thing stands for something else. It's too exciting for words!

I thought I'd wait for all the hoopla to die down before seeing Titanic (that's the only way to maintain journalistic integrity), but I finally couldn't wait any longer! And guess what? I was captivated! The tragedy of the ship that could not be saved by all its beauty and luster! Those poor people who died just because they were poor! Those poor rich people who never knew how good they had it! And the tragic love between Kate Winslet and hunky Leo DiCaprio, which would have lasted for all eternity if not for the sinking of that great ship! I admit, it made me cry like a baby, and this is coming from the man who made it through Ice Castles without shedding a single tear! If you ask me, this movie is on a collision course–with an Oscar!

In the Help A Friend In Need Department, did anyone happen to tape The X-Files two weeks ago? Normally, I never miss it, but I'd finally set up a date with a lovely lady I'd had my eye on for months, and the only night she was free was Sunday. Well, she wound up getting a stomach ache at the very last minute and didn't show up for our date at Chéz Antoine. (I stood around for two hours!) So, I missed my favorite show all for nothing, and no one I know seems to have taped it. This is why I'm turning to you, faithful readers. If you mail it to me, I promise I'll return it in good shape, along with a few bucks for postage. Anyone?

As for the identity of the mystery lady, I'm afraid it's strictly MYOB. That is, until there's something more concrete.

Beanie Babies are fine, but I'll stick to collecting die-cast lead Civil War figurines any day. I've learned more from my hobby than all the Beanie Baby collectors combined have learned from theirs! Uh-oh, I think I just opened the flood gates for a lot of angry letters from Beanie Baby enthusiasts! Hey, I did say that Beanie Babies are fine, so take it easy on me, please!

Item! I have it on good authority that super Sandra Bullock is the top contender for the role of Betty Ross in the upcoming Hulk movie. Now, if there's a better Betty than Sandra Bullock, Jackie Harvey hasn't seen her. Looks, style, brains, talent–Sandra has it all! I wonder if they're looking for a dashing young Hollywood gossip columnist to play David Banner. I'm just kidding, of course! Then again, if I did get the part, I'd have the chance to kiss Sandra Bullock, a very tempting proposition indeed. (I think I'd need at least 20 or 30 takes to get that scene right!)

I was as surprised as anyone to hear that the Winter Olympics got poor ratings. I was positively riveted! I love all the events: luge, speed skating, slalom, even curling! But most of all, I love figure skating. The grace and poise of those skaters is astounding. So, to all of you who didn't support the Olympics this year, shame on you! I don't know what you were thinking, but it makes me ashamed to be an American. (Only for a second, though, because this is the greatest country in the world.)

Item! I just can't stop snacking on Almond Joy bars lately! If I'm not careful, I'm going to blow up like a balloon. Goodbye lazy Sunday afternoons, hello exercycle!

Well, that's it for this installment of The Outside Scoop. And remember: If you see a glow to the West, don't be alarmed. It's probably just the magic lights of Tinseltown. Or, as some people call it, Hollywood!

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