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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!

Item! Hunky Brad Pit, last seen playing The Dolly Llama, has landed the role of his lifetime. The buzz is that Pit will play none other than Jesus Christ in an upcoming movie. Now, he won't actually be Jesus Christ, but he will play a character whose life parallels His. It will be done as an allegory–a lesser-known and underused cinematic device in which one thing stands for something else. It's too exciting for words!

I thought I'd wait for all the hoopla to die down before seeing Titanic (that's the only way to maintain journalistic integrity), but I finally couldn't wait any longer! And guess what? I was captivated! The tragedy of the ship that could not be saved by all its beauty and luster! Those poor people who died just because they were poor! Those poor rich people who never knew how good they had it! And the tragic love between Kate Winslet and hunky Leo DiCaprio, which would have lasted for all eternity if not for the sinking of that great ship! I admit, it made me cry like a baby, and this is coming from the man who made it through Ice Castles without shedding a single tear! If you ask me, this movie is on a collision course–with an Oscar!

In the Help A Friend In Need Department, did anyone happen to tape The X-Files two weeks ago? Normally, I never miss it, but I'd finally set up a date with a lovely lady I'd had my eye on for months, and the only night she was free was Sunday. Well, she wound up getting a stomach ache at the very last minute and didn't show up for our date at Chéz Antoine. (I stood around for two hours!) So, I missed my favorite show all for nothing, and no one I know seems to have taped it. This is why I'm turning to you, faithful readers. If you mail it to me, I promise I'll return it in good shape, along with a few bucks for postage. Anyone?

As for the identity of the mystery lady, I'm afraid it's strictly MYOB. That is, until there's something more concrete.

Beanie Babies are fine, but I'll stick to collecting die-cast lead Civil War figurines any day. I've learned more from my hobby than all the Beanie Baby collectors combined have learned from theirs! Uh-oh, I think I just opened the flood gates for a lot of angry letters from Beanie Baby enthusiasts! Hey, I did say that Beanie Babies are fine, so take it easy on me, please!

Item! I have it on good authority that super Sandra Bullock is the top contender for the role of Betty Ross in the upcoming Hulk movie. Now, if there's a better Betty than Sandra Bullock, Jackie Harvey hasn't seen her. Looks, style, brains, talent–Sandra has it all! I wonder if they're looking for a dashing young Hollywood gossip columnist to play David Banner. I'm just kidding, of course! Then again, if I did get the part, I'd have the chance to kiss Sandra Bullock, a very tempting proposition indeed. (I think I'd need at least 20 or 30 takes to get that scene right!)

I was as surprised as anyone to hear that the Winter Olympics got poor ratings. I was positively riveted! I love all the events: luge, speed skating, slalom, even curling! But most of all, I love figure skating. The grace and poise of those skaters is astounding. So, to all of you who didn't support the Olympics this year, shame on you! I don't know what you were thinking, but it makes me ashamed to be an American. (Only for a second, though, because this is the greatest country in the world.)

Item! I just can't stop snacking on Almond Joy bars lately! If I'm not careful, I'm going to blow up like a balloon. Goodbye lazy Sunday afternoons, hello exercycle!

Well, that's it for this installment of The Outside Scoop. And remember: If you see a glow to the West, don't be alarmed. It's probably just the magic lights of Tinseltown. Or, as some people call it, Hollywood!

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