I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

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Vol 30 Issue 14

New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous.

Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions of time and space by a semi-godlike alien evolved beyond all human comprehension—was "pretty awesome," according to reports. "Worf learned a valuable lesson about his adoptive human parents when a hologram created by the energy being confronted him with his troubled past," said longtime Trekker and part-time pizza delivery driver Brad Sponel. "It was pretty awesome." Sources also say that Picard and Crusher almost kissed during a mind-meld sequence, but stopped at the last minute.

Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more munchable this week, when Crunch 'n' Munch research teams increased the product's famed "crunchiness" and "munchability" by over 30 percent. "Our goal is to make Crunch 'n' Munch the most crunchy—and munchable—snack-food item we possibly can," said Crunch 'n' Munch's Helmut Krauntz. "When someone feels hungry, whether their desire is to crunch or merely to munch, we want them to turn to our Crunch 'n' Munch products to meet both their crunchiness and munchability needs."

Jamie Crying

LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although Jamie would feel better if she wrote David a letter, she is crying," said former Van Halen manager Eddie Arnesen. Though sources say Jamie has been in love before, and that she knows what love is for, in this case it was a mere one-night stand, and love should be more than that. Arnesen added that despite the fact that when Roth and Jamie parted, the long-haired, vinyl-clad rocker said, "Gimme a call some time," Jamie knows what that will get her.

Captivated By Carolyn

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy"?

Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years.

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's going down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad!

I've got ideas, bad ones, about how I'll make assloads of cash. I will steal people's wallets. I will then take the wallets to an alley, smash them open with a hammer, and sell the gooey innards for cool cash. Cash!

I will start an all-talk radio station manned by one marginally coherent fascist yokel. The frequency of the station will be weak enough to reach only a single home, but strong enough to dominate the entire bandwidth of the radio in that home. Cash cow!

I want to convert a munitions plant into a drainage ditch factory. Slave labor, of course. And the soda machines could have canned coffee and soda with little particles in it. Or else, I'll manufacture a magazine based on what tee-vee stars have to say.

Then there are my ideas about how to save asswads of money and trouble. Take washing forks. Tough, right? You need a dishwasher. Too expensive for me! So what I'll do is put all my dirty forks in the turlet and flush it like five times. Flush! Flush! Flush! Then I'll throw all my forks away! EEZ-EE! They're out of my hair, not my problem. I'm not going to use forks that have been floating around in my turlet water! Then I'll just get new forks... Kah-LEEN!

And I'll use tea bags six times. Not for making tea, though. And instead of cleaning my toothbrush manually, every goddamn night, I'll take them to get sandblasted twice a year—done!

I've also got some bad ideas about how I can acquire all the chicks I can eat. One idea is to dress up like a 13-year-old girl, enroll in the local junior-high school, take honors classes, go out for the cheerleading squad, become captain of it, and go to sleepovers with the other girls on the squad. Then, when the time is right, I'll hit on the cheerleading advisor, who will surely be a lesbian chicken hawk. By the time she gets my sexy little school-color skirt around my ankles and realizes I'm a 37-year-old man, she won't know what the story is!

My other ploy for winning chicks is to enroll in a high-class co-ed finishing school, where they will teach me manners, ballroom dancing, how to eat properly with a fork, and the correct treatment of ladies. Then, on graduation day, I will pick out some ripe graduate, lead her behind the podium, and go like Cousteau under her gown—zim-ZAM! It'll be sweeter than a pornie!

I've also got some sub-par ideas about making the world a different place. I'd become dictator and round up suspects and torture the country's brain trust. Start a two-front war or two. And, instead of being able to change your name when you turn 18, like you can now, under my system you'd be able to change other people's names. I already know what I'm going to change your name to!

I am thinking of gumball machines that take dollars. I'm thinking of extinguishing cigarettes in my anus. Who isn't! I am not a stupid man. I never said that. I do have some bad ideas, though. If you have bad ideas, I would like to hear them. I am thinking of compiling the bad ideas of the world and writing a new Bible with them. Just call and leave your ideas on my mother's answering machine. She will then tell them to me, I assume.

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