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I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're all bad!

I've got ideas, bad ones, about how I'll make assloads of cash. I will steal people's wallets. I will then take the wallets to an alley, smash them open with a hammer, and sell the gooey innards for cool cash. Cash!

I will start an all-talk radio station manned by one marginally coherent fascist yokel. The frequency of the station will be weak enough to reach only a single home, but strong enough to dominate the entire bandwidth of the radio in that home. Cash cow!

I want to convert a munitions plant into a drainage ditch factory. Slave labor, of course. And the soda machines could have canned coffee and soda with little particles in it. Or else, I'll manufacture a magazine based on what tee-vee stars have to say.

Then there are my ideas about how to save asswads of money and trouble. Take washing forks. Tough, right? You need a dishwasher. Too expensive for me! So what I'll do is put all my dirty forks in the turlet and flush it like five times. Flush! Flush! Flush! Then I'll throw all my forks away! EEZ-EE! They're out of my hair, not my problem. I'm not going to use forks that have been floating around in my turlet water! Then I'll just get new forks... Kah-LEEN!

And I'll use tea bags six times. Not for making tea, though. And instead of cleaning my toothbrush manually, every goddamn night, I'll take them to get sandblasted twice a year—done!

I've also got some bad ideas about how I can acquire all the chicks I can eat. One idea is to dress up like a 13-year-old girl, enroll in the local junior-high school, take honors classes, go out for the cheerleading squad, become captain of it, and go to sleepovers with the other girls on the squad. Then, when the time is right, I'll hit on the cheerleading advisor, who will surely be a lesbian chicken hawk. By the time she gets my sexy little school-color skirt around my ankles and realizes I'm a 37-year-old man, she won't know what the story is!

My other ploy for winning chicks is to enroll in a high-class co-ed finishing school, where they will teach me manners, ballroom dancing, how to eat properly with a fork, and the correct treatment of ladies. Then, on graduation day, I will pick out some ripe graduate, lead her behind the podium, and go like Cousteau under her gown—zim-ZAM! It'll be sweeter than a pornie!

I've also got some sub-par ideas about making the world a different place. I'd become dictator and round up suspects and torture the country's brain trust. Start a two-front war or two. And, instead of being able to change your name when you turn 18, like you can now, under my system you'd be able to change other people's names. I already know what I'm going to change your name to!

I am thinking of gumball machines that take dollars. I'm thinking of extinguishing cigarettes in my anus. Who isn't! I am not a stupid man. I never said that. I do have some bad ideas, though. If you have bad ideas, I would like to hear them. I am thinking of compiling the bad ideas of the world and writing a new Bible with them. Just call and leave your ideas on my mother's answering machine. She will then tell them to me, I assume.

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