I've Got A New Soup That Will Knock Campbell's On Its Ass

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Vol 37 Issue 13

Bruce Vilanch Sodomized By Homosexual

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In an act "so heinous, it defies the imagination," famed awards-show joke writer and Hollywood Squares regular Bruce Vilanch was sodomized by an unnamed homosexual Monday. Authorities are still at a loss as to what could have motivated the homosexual–whom Vilanch met at a dinner party before accompanying him home–to commit the act. "How could anyone do such a thing?" asked Vilanch's distraught Hollywood Squares co-star Whoopi Goldberg. "What sort of inhuman monster could bring himself to do this?" Vilanch, who described himself as "perfectly fabulous" following the incident, told reporters: "I felt like Monica Lewinsky... at a cigar store!

Role Of Tree Ineptly Played By Second-Grader

POPLAR BLUFF, MO–Critics savaged Monday's underwhelming stage debut of second-grader Kimberly Bauer, who "fumbled and stumbled her way" through the role of the Happy Little Pine Tree in Mrs. Shore's class production of Our Forest Friends. "What is supposed to be an eloquently simple role was bludgeoned into the ground by Ms. Bauer's ham-fisted delivery and clunky sense of timing," said Poplar Bluff Gazette theater critic Meredith Woodson. "One might have leaned her cardboard-cutout tree costume against the wall for a superior display of thespianism."

Report: Clinton Accepted Rebate While In Office Depot

WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report in Monday's Washington Post, on Jan. 14, Bill Clinton accepted a $60 rebate on an O'Sullivan office workcenter while in Office Depot. "In his final days as president, Mr. Clinton knowingly took money as an enticement to purchase a $300 desk, leveraging his status as a valued customer of Office Depot for personal gain," the report stated. "The sales associate who orchestrated the deal, Marc Ryback, has a history of dealings with the president dating back to a November 1995 photocopier-for-cash exchange." Said a spokesman for the former president: "Mr. Clinton regrets any wrongdoing that may have occurred."

The U.S.-China Standoff

Last week, China detained 24 Navy officers after their spy plane collided with a Chinese jet. What do you think about the escalating tensions between the two nations?

Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard

The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask The Voice-Over From The Dukes Of Hazzard, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.
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I've Got A New Soup That Will Knock Campbell's On Its Ass

When you think soup, who do you think of? Campbell's. Everyone does. They're considered the masters. That's why they have soup in every goddamn grocery store in this country.

Unfortunately, being so good at what they do and all, they've gotten a little bit comfortable over the years. That's where Trudy Schiff comes in, because I've got a soup that is going to knock Campbell's on its fucking ass. Boom.

You know their slogan, "Soup Is Good Food"? Well, my soup is goddamn great food. I haven't been cooking for 20 years for nothing. I raised three kids on that soup. I know what I'm doing when it comes to pots of broth.

When I make soup, I don't screw around. You open a can of Campbell's soup, what do you see? The same old shit. It's good, but it's not all that interesting, is it? In their chicken noodle soup, you get chicken, noodles, a few chunks of carrots and celery, and that's it. Yawn.

When I make chicken noodle soup, I make chicken noodle soup. You can see the vegetables. You can put them in your mouth and chew them. And I sure as hell don't stick to Mom's recipe. Carrots? Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Have a little goddamn creativity, will you?

I put in whatever I feel like eating that day. Potatoes, nice big chunks with the skins still on. Northern beans. Yes, I said beans. Why is everyone so afraid to add beans to anything other than a bean soup? They're an excellent source of protein, they thicken the soup naturally, and they taste great, for shit's sake. Christ.

Whoa there, cowboy. Don't think that this new soup I'm telling you about is just some minor variation on chicken soup. No way. My soup is a totally new, utterly unheard-of soup. And, like I said, it's going to send Campbell's flying through the back door and right out into the street on its complacent rump. See ya, Campbell's. Nice knowing you, but you are history.

Now, clam chowder, it's a good soup, right? Sure. And, granted, Campbell's makes a decent version. The problem is, we've all had it a million times before. But still, they keep cranking out the same tired stuff, day after day, year after year. Me, on the other hand, I've taken the very concept of clam chowder and turned it on its fucking head. That's what I did when I made–drum roll, please–Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder. Boo-yahhh!

I didn't set out to make the best soup in the world. It didn't come to me in a dream or anything, either. I developed this soup in the kitchen over the course of countless hours of trial and error in the kitchen. But, believe me, it was worth it. Because this soup is like a goddamn chowderquake. It's got crabmeat and corn and a whole bunch of other fresh and tasty vegetables. My secret blend of spices, too, some of which Campbell's probably ain't ever even heard of. I shit you not.

Classic appeal, with a brand-new twist–that's what Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder has. But I'm not dumb enough to tell you what that twist is, because I'm going to sell this soup to Campbell's and make a fuckload of money. Ka-ching! Back the truck up to my front door and drop it off, baby.

You know what? On second thought, maybe I won't sell it to Campbell's. Sure, I could retire on the kind of dough they'd pay, but it's just not worth it. I'd much rather watch those bitches slowly squirm as they watch their soup cans collecting dust on supermarket shelves across the nation while everybody stampedes to get their mitts on a can of Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder. No amount of money could give me that much pleasure.

Hear those footsteps, Campbell's? Yeah? You can? That's me coming after you.

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