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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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I've Got A New Soup That Will Knock Campbell's On Its Ass

When you think soup, who do you think of? Campbell's. Everyone does. They're considered the masters. That's why they have soup in every goddamn grocery store in this country.

Unfortunately, being so good at what they do and all, they've gotten a little bit comfortable over the years. That's where Trudy Schiff comes in, because I've got a soup that is going to knock Campbell's on its fucking ass. Boom.

You know their slogan, "Soup Is Good Food"? Well, my soup is goddamn great food. I haven't been cooking for 20 years for nothing. I raised three kids on that soup. I know what I'm doing when it comes to pots of broth.

When I make soup, I don't screw around. You open a can of Campbell's soup, what do you see? The same old shit. It's good, but it's not all that interesting, is it? In their chicken noodle soup, you get chicken, noodles, a few chunks of carrots and celery, and that's it. Yawn.

When I make chicken noodle soup, I make chicken noodle soup. You can see the vegetables. You can put them in your mouth and chew them. And I sure as hell don't stick to Mom's recipe. Carrots? Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Have a little goddamn creativity, will you?

I put in whatever I feel like eating that day. Potatoes, nice big chunks with the skins still on. Northern beans. Yes, I said beans. Why is everyone so afraid to add beans to anything other than a bean soup? They're an excellent source of protein, they thicken the soup naturally, and they taste great, for shit's sake. Christ.

Whoa there, cowboy. Don't think that this new soup I'm telling you about is just some minor variation on chicken soup. No way. My soup is a totally new, utterly unheard-of soup. And, like I said, it's going to send Campbell's flying through the back door and right out into the street on its complacent rump. See ya, Campbell's. Nice knowing you, but you are history.

Now, clam chowder, it's a good soup, right? Sure. And, granted, Campbell's makes a decent version. The problem is, we've all had it a million times before. But still, they keep cranking out the same tired stuff, day after day, year after year. Me, on the other hand, I've taken the very concept of clam chowder and turned it on its fucking head. That's what I did when I made–drum roll, please–Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder. Boo-yahhh!

I didn't set out to make the best soup in the world. It didn't come to me in a dream or anything, either. I developed this soup in the kitchen over the course of countless hours of trial and error in the kitchen. But, believe me, it was worth it. Because this soup is like a goddamn chowderquake. It's got crabmeat and corn and a whole bunch of other fresh and tasty vegetables. My secret blend of spices, too, some of which Campbell's probably ain't ever even heard of. I shit you not.

Classic appeal, with a brand-new twist–that's what Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder has. But I'm not dumb enough to tell you what that twist is, because I'm going to sell this soup to Campbell's and make a fuckload of money. Ka-ching! Back the truck up to my front door and drop it off, baby.

You know what? On second thought, maybe I won't sell it to Campbell's. Sure, I could retire on the kind of dough they'd pay, but it's just not worth it. I'd much rather watch those bitches slowly squirm as they watch their soup cans collecting dust on supermarket shelves across the nation while everybody stampedes to get their mitts on a can of Trudy's Crab & Corn Chowder. No amount of money could give me that much pleasure.

Hear those footsteps, Campbell's? Yeah? You can? That's me coming after you.

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