adBlockCheck

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Top Headlines

Recent News

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.

First we had The Republican National Convention, which was in San Diego. Why? Maybe that's because San Diego is so close to San Francisco, a city Jack Kemp holds dear to his heart, if you catch my drift. At any rate, everything went smashing, and the wonderful Nancy Reagan looked lovely.

Then came the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, the city with thick shoulders. Certainly, the convention fell under the shadow of the 1968 Democratic Convention held in Chicago with riots and violence. Well, there was none of that this time! The boys in blue were on their best behavior, and I think they deserve a big round of applause.

Speaking of Chicago, basketball wild man Dennis Rodman is certainly something, isn't he? Who knew he had a book in him? Not me, for sure. And what a book it is! It's one of those "kiss and tell" books that everyone seems to be so fond of, so don't go reading it looking for pointers on your layup. Apparently, he and Madonna, well, you know.

Item! I just saw the movie Mary Reilly with Julia Roberts. It's the classic Jekyll and Hyde story, told from the perspective of the maid, and I have only one thing to say: Oscar-bound! Now, don't put all your money on my word, but I'm pretty sure this will be the year for the Pretty Woman.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's now Ms. Roberts since she divorced that singer. Good for you, Julia! And kudos for a job well done in your movie acting... Good luck with that acceptance speech!

Is it just me, or are these car commercials just getting weirder? I mean, like those ones with the phone and the desk and the guy? Yeah, I thought so.

Hey, Claude Rains! Would you get in touch already? I'm losing faith! What do I have to do to get you to stop by for a chat, throw in some devilishly good Harvey Family Deviled Eggs from our secret recipe? Heck, I'll even throw in the recipe, if that would help! Just don't tell Mom.

Item! That Bill Paxton is all Twister-ed up... in love! That's right, my sources say the dashing movie star has been seen "around town" with an as-of-yet unidentified lady friend. Congratu-lations, Bill! Don't go chasing any storms, now that you've got a special sweetheart to look after!

Ladies! Brace yourselves! Football season is almost underway! Better hold your husband or boyfriend tight, otherwise, you probably won't see them until after the Super Bowl. You know how we men are with our football and pretzels!

Sadly, this summer marked the end of John Tesh's remarkable Entertainment Tonight career. Apparently, he wants to devote more time to his music. I hear it's a sort of new age saxophone thing. Well, that's not usually my thing. Her-man's Hermits is more my speed, but if his music has the same style and flourish that he does, I'd probably enjoy it.

To a comrade in arms in the biz, a fond farewell. Hey, do they have a replacement for you on E.T. yet, John? I just might be available. Just kidding, John—I've got other fish to fry!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close