‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!

The only problem I had with this year's Oscars was that I didn't know who half the people were. While I have faith in the Academy's ability to decide who should be nominated, I must admit there were some glaring oversights. Where was John Goodman for his star-making turn in The Borrowers? Or Tim Allen for his textured portrayal of an undercover Amish man on the run from the law in For Richer Or For Poorer? And where, oh, where, was veteran funnyman Eddie Murphy, without whom Holy Man would have been a holy mess? Well, all I know for sure is that I've got a whole lot of movies to catch up on. The Many Loves Of William Shakespeare, for example, looks dazzling, especially Gwyneth Barbeau.

Item! Everyone knows that Jenny Elfman is a hilarious comedienne, with knockout good looks to boot. But did you know that she's also a very spiritual woman? My sources tell me that she's joined the same church that Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley belong to, and that the church has filled her deep spiritual void. It must be a pretty great church to attract so many of Hollywood's most glamorous stars. I'll look into it more and see what I can come up with for you.

Why is it that every time I find a decent pair of shoes, the store doesn't have it in my size?

Item! The world recently lost one of its greatest, most televised film critics. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Gene Siskel. Whenever I wanted to know what movie I should see, I only had to look to Gene's trusty thumb for the answer. Now, I guess I'll just have to read other, non-thumb reviews to figure out what to see. Farewell, Gene. Best wishes to you, and give everyone in Heaven a big "thumbs up" for me. Especially that Steve McQueen. He was terrific.

Boy, that Mariah Carey sure is starting to get big, isn't she?

Item! The whole nation was buzzing about The Interview. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you must live in a cave. I'm talking about Barbara Walters' interview with Monica Lewinsky. Well, I watched it expecting to see a shameless little tart, but instead I saw a frail and sensitive woman who was unfairly taken advantage of. And Barbara, as usual, handled it like a real pro, unafraid to ask the tough questions but ever-ready with a handkerchief and a shoulder to cry on. My heart goes out to you, Monica. If you need a friend, please feel free to call or write. My door is always open.

How come you never see men wearing dickies any more?

Item! Matthew Broderick is h-o-t! Last year, he was in the mega-smash Godzilla, and in 1999, it looks like he's going to be the toast of Tinseltown once again, starring in the year's most anticipated movie! Of course, I'm talking about Star Wars: Episode One—The Shadow Knows. In it, Broderick plays a young Anakin Solo. I know that Broderick is in his 30s, and Anakin is supposed to be 8, but that George Lucas is a real wizard with special effects, so I'm sure he worked his movie magic and took years off Mr. Broderick. I can't wait to "Force" my way into my local theater to see that one!

Can you believe that a pound of butter costs $4? Unbelievable!

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? To the grave! That's right, last week, after a prolonged bout with Joe DiMaggio's Disease, the Yankee Schooner finally set sail for that great ballpark in the sky. Jumpin' Joe, with your legendary hitting streak, your long and loving marriage to Marilyn Monroe, and your great work as a Mr. Coffee pitchman, you won't soon be forgotten, that's for sure.

Congratulations to piano man Billy Joel for his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Billy, with such classic records as The Nylon Curtain, Storm Front and River Of Dreams under your belt, when it comes to rocking and rolling, you're far from an innocent man.

If anyone has any Milk Mustache magazine ads or other related stuff, please send it my way. I'm starting a collection.

I realize I'm usually a pretty lighthearted guy, but I'd like to pause for just a moment to talk about something serious. This week is National Huffing Awareness Week. Now, I just found out about this terrible epidemic myself, so I'm sure a lot of other people out there are unaware of it. "Huffing" is inhaling things like glue or correcting fluid so you can get "high." Now, parents, if you haven't already, please take the time to talk to your kids about huffing before some pusher does.

Okay, I don't want to end on a down note, so I want to announce that I'm holding a contest! The contest, ladies, is "Win A Date With Jackie!" That's right, just send in an essay of no more than 200 words explaining why you should go on a date with me, and the lucky winner will be wined and dined like never before! And don't worry... I'll pick up the check! You can enter as many times as you like, but remember: I'm judging on originality and content, not volume. Just send me your entries care of this newspaper. Good luck!

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