I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

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Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!

The only problem I had with this year's Oscars was that I didn't know who half the people were. While I have faith in the Academy's ability to decide who should be nominated, I must admit there were some glaring oversights. Where was John Goodman for his star-making turn in The Borrowers? Or Tim Allen for his textured portrayal of an undercover Amish man on the run from the law in For Richer Or For Poorer? And where, oh, where, was veteran funnyman Eddie Murphy, without whom Holy Man would have been a holy mess? Well, all I know for sure is that I've got a whole lot of movies to catch up on. The Many Loves Of William Shakespeare, for example, looks dazzling, especially Gwyneth Barbeau.

Item! Everyone knows that Jenny Elfman is a hilarious comedienne, with knockout good looks to boot. But did you know that she's also a very spiritual woman? My sources tell me that she's joined the same church that Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley belong to, and that the church has filled her deep spiritual void. It must be a pretty great church to attract so many of Hollywood's most glamorous stars. I'll look into it more and see what I can come up with for you.

Why is it that every time I find a decent pair of shoes, the store doesn't have it in my size?

Item! The world recently lost one of its greatest, most televised film critics. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Gene Siskel. Whenever I wanted to know what movie I should see, I only had to look to Gene's trusty thumb for the answer. Now, I guess I'll just have to read other, non-thumb reviews to figure out what to see. Farewell, Gene. Best wishes to you, and give everyone in Heaven a big "thumbs up" for me. Especially that Steve McQueen. He was terrific.

Boy, that Mariah Carey sure is starting to get big, isn't she?

Item! The whole nation was buzzing about The Interview. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you must live in a cave. I'm talking about Barbara Walters' interview with Monica Lewinsky. Well, I watched it expecting to see a shameless little tart, but instead I saw a frail and sensitive woman who was unfairly taken advantage of. And Barbara, as usual, handled it like a real pro, unafraid to ask the tough questions but ever-ready with a handkerchief and a shoulder to cry on. My heart goes out to you, Monica. If you need a friend, please feel free to call or write. My door is always open.

How come you never see men wearing dickies any more?

Item! Matthew Broderick is h-o-t! Last year, he was in the mega-smash Godzilla, and in 1999, it looks like he's going to be the toast of Tinseltown once again, starring in the year's most anticipated movie! Of course, I'm talking about Star Wars: Episode One—The Shadow Knows. In it, Broderick plays a young Anakin Solo. I know that Broderick is in his 30s, and Anakin is supposed to be 8, but that George Lucas is a real wizard with special effects, so I'm sure he worked his movie magic and took years off Mr. Broderick. I can't wait to "Force" my way into my local theater to see that one!

Can you believe that a pound of butter costs $4? Unbelievable!

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? To the grave! That's right, last week, after a prolonged bout with Joe DiMaggio's Disease, the Yankee Schooner finally set sail for that great ballpark in the sky. Jumpin' Joe, with your legendary hitting streak, your long and loving marriage to Marilyn Monroe, and your great work as a Mr. Coffee pitchman, you won't soon be forgotten, that's for sure.

Congratulations to piano man Billy Joel for his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Billy, with such classic records as The Nylon Curtain, Storm Front and River Of Dreams under your belt, when it comes to rocking and rolling, you're far from an innocent man.

If anyone has any Milk Mustache magazine ads or other related stuff, please send it my way. I'm starting a collection.

I realize I'm usually a pretty lighthearted guy, but I'd like to pause for just a moment to talk about something serious. This week is National Huffing Awareness Week. Now, I just found out about this terrible epidemic myself, so I'm sure a lot of other people out there are unaware of it. "Huffing" is inhaling things like glue or correcting fluid so you can get "high." Now, parents, if you haven't already, please take the time to talk to your kids about huffing before some pusher does.

Okay, I don't want to end on a down note, so I want to announce that I'm holding a contest! The contest, ladies, is "Win A Date With Jackie!" That's right, just send in an essay of no more than 200 words explaining why you should go on a date with me, and the lucky winner will be wined and dined like never before! And don't worry... I'll pick up the check! You can enter as many times as you like, but remember: I'm judging on originality and content, not volume. Just send me your entries care of this newspaper. Good luck!