I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

Aren't There Any Crimes Punishable By Public Spanking?

Like most Americans, I was raised to believe two things: that I am a very, very bad boy, and that I must be properly punished for my transgressions. But in recent years, I've become deeply disillusioned with the American justice system. After an overview of federal sentencing guidelines and meticulous study of the Departments of Corrections of all 50 states, I have found that our nation's criminal courts routinely resort to fines, imprisonment and community service as restitution for wrongdoing—punishments I, for one, find less than satisfactory. Aren't there any crimes punishable by public spanking?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!

The only problem I had with this year's Oscars was that I didn't know who half the people were. While I have faith in the Academy's ability to decide who should be nominated, I must admit there were some glaring oversights. Where was John Goodman for his star-making turn in The Borrowers? Or Tim Allen for his textured portrayal of an undercover Amish man on the run from the law in For Richer Or For Poorer? And where, oh, where, was veteran funnyman Eddie Murphy, without whom Holy Man would have been a holy mess? Well, all I know for sure is that I've got a whole lot of movies to catch up on. The Many Loves Of William Shakespeare, for example, looks dazzling, especially Gwyneth Barbeau.

Item! Everyone knows that Jenny Elfman is a hilarious comedienne, with knockout good looks to boot. But did you know that she's also a very spiritual woman? My sources tell me that she's joined the same church that Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley belong to, and that the church has filled her deep spiritual void. It must be a pretty great church to attract so many of Hollywood's most glamorous stars. I'll look into it more and see what I can come up with for you.

Why is it that every time I find a decent pair of shoes, the store doesn't have it in my size?

Item! The world recently lost one of its greatest, most televised film critics. Of course, I'm talking about the legendary Gene Siskel. Whenever I wanted to know what movie I should see, I only had to look to Gene's trusty thumb for the answer. Now, I guess I'll just have to read other, non-thumb reviews to figure out what to see. Farewell, Gene. Best wishes to you, and give everyone in Heaven a big "thumbs up" for me. Especially that Steve McQueen. He was terrific.

Boy, that Mariah Carey sure is starting to get big, isn't she?

Item! The whole nation was buzzing about The Interview. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you must live in a cave. I'm talking about Barbara Walters' interview with Monica Lewinsky. Well, I watched it expecting to see a shameless little tart, but instead I saw a frail and sensitive woman who was unfairly taken advantage of. And Barbara, as usual, handled it like a real pro, unafraid to ask the tough questions but ever-ready with a handkerchief and a shoulder to cry on. My heart goes out to you, Monica. If you need a friend, please feel free to call or write. My door is always open.

How come you never see men wearing dickies any more?

Item! Matthew Broderick is h-o-t! Last year, he was in the mega-smash Godzilla, and in 1999, it looks like he's going to be the toast of Tinseltown once again, starring in the year's most anticipated movie! Of course, I'm talking about Star Wars: Episode One—The Shadow Knows. In it, Broderick plays a young Anakin Solo. I know that Broderick is in his 30s, and Anakin is supposed to be 8, but that George Lucas is a real wizard with special effects, so I'm sure he worked his movie magic and took years off Mr. Broderick. I can't wait to "Force" my way into my local theater to see that one!

Can you believe that a pound of butter costs $4? Unbelievable!

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? To the grave! That's right, last week, after a prolonged bout with Joe DiMaggio's Disease, the Yankee Schooner finally set sail for that great ballpark in the sky. Jumpin' Joe, with your legendary hitting streak, your long and loving marriage to Marilyn Monroe, and your great work as a Mr. Coffee pitchman, you won't soon be forgotten, that's for sure.

Congratulations to piano man Billy Joel for his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. Billy, with such classic records as The Nylon Curtain, Storm Front and River Of Dreams under your belt, when it comes to rocking and rolling, you're far from an innocent man.

If anyone has any Milk Mustache magazine ads or other related stuff, please send it my way. I'm starting a collection.

I realize I'm usually a pretty lighthearted guy, but I'd like to pause for just a moment to talk about something serious. This week is National Huffing Awareness Week. Now, I just found out about this terrible epidemic myself, so I'm sure a lot of other people out there are unaware of it. "Huffing" is inhaling things like glue or correcting fluid so you can get "high." Now, parents, if you haven't already, please take the time to talk to your kids about huffing before some pusher does.

Okay, I don't want to end on a down note, so I want to announce that I'm holding a contest! The contest, ladies, is "Win A Date With Jackie!" That's right, just send in an essay of no more than 200 words explaining why you should go on a date with me, and the lucky winner will be wined and dined like never before! And don't worry... I'll pick up the check! You can enter as many times as you like, but remember: I'm judging on originality and content, not volume. Just send me your entries care of this newspaper. Good luck!

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