adBlockCheck

I've Had Just About Enough Of That Ron

Top Headlines

Recent News

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I've Had Just About Enough Of That Ron

Hola amigos. What do ya know? Me, I've been laid lower than a centipede's dick lately. You see, for about two weeks now, I've had this cold that I just can't shake. I've tried everything—sleeping, eating soup, drinking Sunny D—but nothing's helped. Hell, I've felt so shitty, I haven't enjoyed a delicious MGD in about four days, and if you know anything about Jim Anchower, then you know things must be pretty serious.

On top of the health problems, my damn car was snowed in for about three weeks after the big storm. I just got it out last week, only with about $300 worth of tickets on it. See, it ain't that I'm a lazy ass, it's just that I'd spend an hour getting it shoveled out, only then it wouldn't start. Then, I'd get all pissed off and go inside, and try again the next day. A few days later, I'd have to shovel it out all over again because I'd get plowed in. I figure that's when I got sick, when I was freezing my nuts off trying to get my car out. Just goes to show you.

I racked my brain trying to figure out why it wouldn't start. It was freezing out, sure, but that never stopped it before. After trying all kinds of stuff, including sticking a hair dryer under the hood for four hours, I finally figured it out: I just needed a new set of spark plugs! One 20-minute quick fix, and I'd be on my way. Only problem was, I also needed a new socket wrench, since I messed mine up trying to turn it into a bowl.

I figured I'd give Ron a call to see if he could loan me his. Problem was, as it turned out, the socket wrench I tried turning into a bowl was actually his. I'd forgotten that I borrowed it. After about five minutes of sweet-talking him, I managed to get Ron to pick me up so we could go to the hardware store and get a new one. Only catch was, I had to promise I'd buy him one, too. That rat!

Anyway, Ron took his sweet time in coming over, and by the time he got to my place, it was dark out. I was plenty steamed, but he said that all stores are open late these days because they had to suit the customer's needs. Fortunately for his ass, the stores were open. First we went to the auto-parts store, where we got my spark plugs. Then we cruised on over to the hardware store to get the socket wrench. All the while, Ron wouldn't shut up and was really pissing me off.

By the time we got to the hardware store, I was about an ass hair away from kicking the crap out of Ron. I didn't plan to hang around the store for too long, so he waited in the car while I went in to find the socket wrenches. I got two of the cheapest ones they had, since, as I said, I had to buy one for Ron, too. I went back to the car and threw the socket wrench at Ron, and we drove back, him yakking the whole time about stupid shit like how he got the high score on Killer Instinct but the power went out so it wasn't up there any more.

By this point, I wanted to just get rid of Ron, but since he was doing me a favor by driving, I didn't want to be rude and tell him to get the hell out of my sight. Anyway, we popped the hood on my car and went to work. I knew I was right on the money about the spark plugs, since they were almost impossible to get out. I spent about 15 minutes giving myself a hernia to get that first spark plug out, it was so corroded.

When I got to the second one, Ron was still jabbering, only now it was about how this old guy who lives next door to him was one of the Little Rascals. I heaved and pushed at the plug, and it was starting to give when the socket wrench stripped out. I was mad as hell, especially at Ron, who was going off about those half-sized Ziploc bags that are made to hold weed. I yelled that he made me wreck my new socket wrench. Then I realized I still needed a socket wrench and that Ron was the one who could help me.

I spent another few minutes saying I was sorry and buttering him up. Then I asked if I could borrow his wrench. He thought about it for a minute (or pretended to think) and then was like, "No way, you'll break this one, too." That was it. I slammed the hood and went inside, leaving Ron to cool his heels and think about what he'd done. After 10 minutes, I peeked out the window, and he was gone.

So, to make a long story short, Ron's on my shit-list in a big way. He must know that, 'cause he ain't been by lately. If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him. Now, I ain't saying I'm gonna kick his ass. We just gotta have a talk. Clear the air, so to speak.

My car still ain't running. The only way I could get it moved was to have Wes "The Bomb" Baumgarten come by and push it. He was a trouper, not like that worthless son of a bitch Ron. On second thought, I am gonna kick Ron's ass. Only don't tell him. It's gotta be a surprise.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close