I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

I've Never Prayed Before In My Life, But I'm Absolutely Desperate

Uh…hello? Anybody there? Man, this is so awkward. But I honestly don't know what else to do. I'm really and truly at the end of my rope. I've never prayed before in my life—never really even considered myself the least bit spiritual—but I just feel so profoundly lost, and I have to give this a shot because…because I'm desperate, okay? I'm absolutely desperate.

How do I even do this? Do I just kneel down right here on a cloud and start talking? Is that how this whole praying thing works? You just talk and hope for the best, right? Well, here goes nothing: If someone is out there listening to me right now—oh, man, this feels so stupid. I sound like a fucking mental patient! Okay, okay…sorry. Let me start over: If someone—or something—is out there listening to me right now and can help me, I could definitely use it.

Christ. I have no idea what I'm doing. But this is all I have left.

I guess I should start by saying I've never been much of a believer. Always too damn proud, I guess. I suppose I'm just one of those totally self-involved supreme deities who never gives a second thought to the concept of, you know, an "ultimate presence" until they completely hit rock bottom. I've lived by my own rules and done everything my own bullheaded way since before time and space existed, and maybe it's hypocritical for me to  crawl back to some half-assed notion of faith right when I need a miracle.

But I'm not even asking for a miracle. All I want to know is that there's something bigger than myself, a point to it all. I just feel so aimless all the time, like I'm in a trance or like I'm some sort of windup toy that just keeps walking into walls, you know? But if there were actually something more, then everything would make sense, and I'd feel like I was put into the heavens for a reason. I'd still have to figure out what my specific purpose here is, but if I got some  sort guarantee from a higher power that there was in fact meaning and order to the cosmos, then at least I'd know I have one.

Just a sign. That's all I need. Doesn't have to be anything big. Just something.

Who am I, really? I mean, I know I'm God, but who am I? What is my nature, my essence? If you stripped away everything, my divine light, my robes, my omnipotence—all of it, until there was nothing left but the essential me—what would I look like? Hell, maybe I wouldn't understand the truth even if it were revealed to me but…I just feel so powerless. How can I feel any other way when I'm not sure if I exist or what it even means to exist?

Someone has the answers, don't they? I'm not just some infinitesimal speck floating pointlessly through a cold, empty universe, am I? Someone out there knows. Someone just has to.

Look, I've made some mistakes. A lot, actually. I've hurt people, and I feel terrible about it. If there's some sort of divine reckoning in store for me, so be it. But, on the other hand, how am I supposed to know what's right and wrong if there's no supreme authority out there to tell me? I do my best, but that feels so arbitrary and reckless. If I can't truly know what's right and what's wrong, is there anything else really worth knowing?

I'm sorry, I'm rambling here. I just get so frustrated. Whenever I look around infinity, I have a hard time believing there's some guiding force watching me, or one that truly cares, in any case. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that something out there realizes how truly fucked up I am and doesn't care. Maybe he, she, it, whatever knows exactly how many times I've messed up and forgives me and loves me anyway. Or maybe I was right in the first place and there's just nothing but endless blackness, and what I'm doing right now is just totally meaningless.

But…if you are out there, please help me. Please.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close