Jacko Is On The Attacko!

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Jacko Is On The Attacko!

Item! Jacko has gone wacko, going on the attacko against Sony for discriminating against artists who are blacko!

Angry and confused that his last album, Invisible, sold only two million copies, Michael Jackson wants some answers, stat! In a press conference with Rev. Al Sharpton, The Gloved One called baseball great Tommy Lasorda "devilish." He also said he was a victim of the record industry, particularly his record label, Sony. While he is the King Of Pop, I have to question him on this one. I'm one of the two million people who bought the album, and it's no Thriller. Besides, is two million copies really that shabby? Heck, I'd be happy to sell 100 copies of the record of Sousa marches I made back in high school with my buddy Skip!

Rumblings of another baseball strike? It must be July.

Item! Hot on the heels of winning a lifelong-achievement award, Tom Hanks has a hot new movie called The Road To Peoria. I haven't seen it yet, but my sources say the Bosom Buddy plays a hit man who thinks he can make it big if only he can make it in Peoria. Sounds sort of cockeyed, but dreams have to start somewhere. I remember when Skip and I had that dream of making an album of Sousa marches. A candy-bar fundraiser and a few recording sessions later, we made our dream come true. And here I am today.

Put Tom Cruise in a pair of sunglasses and you just can't go wrong, can you?

The Emmys are coming! The Emmys are coming! While it's a little early, I think you can safely put your money on Alias. Maybe I should start my own awards show: The Harveys. I don't know what the criteria would be, but I already have a few ideas about the trophy design!

Item! A little bird told me that Julia Roberts has a new boyfriend, a cameraman named Danny. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that this time it's Mr. Right. I still haven't gotten over the time she left Richard Gere at the altar. Let's just hope she's finally met someone worthy of America's Sweetheart! I mean, really, hasn't she suffered enough?

Who let the dogs out? It wasn't me! Those are both song titles and, put together, they make a story. I'll find some other songs to do that with and share them with you in a future column.

Item! Hard to believe, but Queen of Nice Rosie O'Donnell has left the talk-show desk after six nice years. I prayed that her winning blend of sass, moxie, and Koosh Balls would never end, but, alas, she left to spend more time with her kids. Though she will always be known for her friendly demeanor and outfits, I'll always remember the way she brought out the human side of the biggest stars. I'm sure I speak for the nation when I say, "We're going to miss you, Rosie." (Incidentally, I sure hope Rosie finds Mr. Right, too. It's got to be hard raising those children all alone.)

Can there be a remake of Love Story in the works? I don't want to say for sure, but I've heard rumblings...

Item! Domestic goddess Martha Stewart is in a bit of a home-canned garlic-dill pickle. Word has it she was involved in a stock brouhaha that was either insider trading or a phony IPO or something like that. I'm not really sure. I never did have a head for figures and business gobbledygook. If you can explain the scandal to me in a way my mother would understand, please clue me in. I hate to report on things I don't understand, but I have to say something.

That Paul Reiser sure is consistent, isn't he?

Item! Kylie Minogue is back! While some of my younger readers may not remember who she is, people in my age group will remember her chart-topping musical salute to The Locomotion, a dance craze that swept the nation. Choo-choo! I don't know if she'll bring a new dance like she did last time, but you can bet that if she does, I'll be practicing in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom until I have it down pat.

The big question on everybody's lips—and on the cover of TV Guide—is, "Who will win American Idol?" I just wish my TV got Fox so I could find out. But since I don't have cable right now (long story, don't ask) and my reception's lousy, could one of my loyal readers fill me in?

Summer is here, and if you come closer, I'll let you in on a little Harvey-family cookout secret. Ready? Vinegar. Put your steaks or chicken in a little red-wine vinegar, maybe some salt and pepper. It'll taste like a famous chef prepared them, and everyone will want to know your secret. I won't tell if you don't!

Well, that's it for another edition of The Outside Scoop. I'd like to think I offered you more than just tawdry gossip and sleazy scandals, because Hollywood deserves all the adulation and respect we can muster. But you'll have to do it on your own until the next installment, because "I am leaving here now!" (That's my new catchphrase. Feel free to use that whenever it seems appropriate.)