Jesus Is My Health Insurance

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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Jesus Is My Health Insurance

I tell you, people these days have lost their faith. Everybody's turning to the television or drugs or the government to solve their problems, when they should be trusting in the Lord.

Why, just the other day I went to County General because my legs were giving me awful pains, and this nurse starting asking me questions about providers and what was my health care plan and wanting my insurance card so she could copy it. I said, "Child, I don't need all that fancy paperwork—not as long as I have Jesus in my heart."

No matter what sorts of hardships and illnesses life throws my way, I always count on the Lord to oversee my managed care. So I told that nurse to send my bills right up to heaven. Send them right on up, because Jesus is my preferred provider and He always grants me full coverage. After all, Jesus believed in healing the sick and helping the poor, so He most definitely believes in paying my doctor bills on time.

The Son of God doesn't screen for pre- existing conditions, and the only requirement for coverage is that you accept Him into your life. There is no deductible with the Lord, and every doctor, clinic, and hospital is in His network. As long as I get down on my knees and submit my claims every night, Jesus will accept them. Even though Peter denied Him three times in a single night, He never denies me, no matter how many ovarian cysts and respiratory infections I might develop.

As long as I place my $10 weekly premium in the Holy Redeemer collection plate every Sunday, my spirit is full with the Lord. He maketh me lie down in green pastures, leadeth me beside the still waters, and covereth hospital stays for up to 90 days per benefit period.

Unlike many earthly health plans, the Lord's benefit summary is endless. It includes full vision and ambulance and X-rays. Hemodialysis, infertility treatment, dental, and gynecological exams are also included, as well as physical and occupational therapy. And well-baby and well-child care is covered too, including immunizations and hearing tests. For additional benefits details, consult your Bible.

But best of all, Jesus' plan is the only one that covers the greatest health benefit of all: everlasting life. Yes, indeed—the Lord primary-care provides.

Now, I remember the days when I was all alone in the world. Until I found the Lord, I was consumed with fear because my heart problems were getting worse and I had to be on these special pills and I couldn't afford regular insurance with my hotel housekeeping job. That's when I discovered that Jesus' emer- gency room accepts everybody. No lines, no waiting, no forms to fill out. He lifts my soul but never my rates.

Oh, once in a while those folks from P & H Collection Agency come calling, but I know it's just Jesus testing me. For I know that just as He delivered Lazarus from the tomb, the Lord will deliver me from the $80,000 in unpaid medical costs on my billing statement.

Today, I just give myself to the Lord and know that He will always provide a substantial portion of my net health-care costs for non-elective surgeries and routine office visits. And with the Holy Spirit as my death and dismemberment policy, my next of kin will one day reap the riches of heaven. Praise be.