Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest

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Vol 40 Issue 23

Boss' Threats Hilarious

KNOXVILLE, TN—Employees working under Champion Direct Marketing manager Dale Farner found his threats during a Monday meeting hysterical, sources told reporters. "If you like your job here, you'll start to shape up," Farner said, reprimanding a group of his underlings working in CDM's basement offices. "You think your jobs are guaranteed? Think again. I can replace any one of you, just like that. There are plenty of folks out there who would take pride in telephone sales." The employees, most of whom will quit before the end of summer, broke into giggles when Farner threatened to cancel the staff summer picnic.

Leno's Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter

LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno's home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. "You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and if you don't know what to do by now, then you've got bigger problems than Martha Stewart,'" said Leno's recording, followed by a five-second silence. "But seriously, callers, at the beep, leave a message." After a short pause, Leno's message concluded, "Am I right?"

Congress Launches National Congress-Awareness Week

WASHINGTON, DC—Hoping to counter ignorance of the national legislative body among U.S. citizens, congressional leaders named the first week in August National Congress Awareness Week. "This special week is designed to call attention to America's very important federal lawmaking body," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. "At least three citizens in every state, and as many as 55 in California, presently have some form of congressional duty, whether it's as a senator or as a representative." The festivities will kick off with a 10-mile Walk for Congress Awareness, when blue ribbons will be handed out in honor of those who served in the first 107 congresses.

Reagan To Be Honored With $5,000-A-Head Funeral

WASHINGTON, DC—Former President Ronald Reagan will be honored with five days of memorial services, culminating in a $5,000 a head funeral in Washington's National Cathedral Friday, Paul Darlington, a spokesman for the Bush re-election campaign, said Monday. "At 5:15 p.m. EST, former President Reagan will be escorted from the U.S. Capitol and received with ceremony at the Washington National Cathedral, where a dinner of baby arugula, roast beef, and herbed red potatoes will commence," Darlington said. "As Reagan lies in repose, a host of leading Republican party members will be available for photo opportunities. President Bush, who will deliver a eulogy at the close of the solemn gathering, is urging all Americans to dig deep into their hearts to honor this great leader." Several thousand people are expected to pay their respects.

Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.

Suicide Letter Full Of Simpsons References

STORRS, CT—University of Connecticut sophomore Aaron Bennett, 20, was found dead of an apparent sleeping-pill overdose in his campus-area apartment Saturday, a suicide note riddled with references to the popular TV show The Simpsons on his desk.

Tenet's Resignation

CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week, claiming that the decision was "personal" and unconnected to recent controversies. What do you think?
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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Spring

Jim Anchower's All About Living Life To The Fullest

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I been spending a lotta time quietly reflecting on all the things going on in my life. First off, I got shitcanned from my job driving people from the airport to the car-rental place and back. I was on lunch break one day when the guy who was filling in for me dinged a car in the parking lot and didn't tell anyone. The manager thought I did it, so when I checked the bus in for the night, he fired me on the spot, without even checking out my story. Man, that hurt. I was seventh in line for a promotion.

Also, I finally had to replace the gas tank in my car. For a while, the car worked fine if I only filled up the tank halfway, but then it got too dangerous. The car was leaking gas on the ground, so I had to worry that some jackass would throw a cigarette under it and blow me sky high. I would've dumped the car, but I'd just replaced the brake pads. I wasn't about to junk a car with new brake pads, so I sank another $400 into fixing it up. This'd better be the last thing that goes wrong with it for a while.

As if those two things weren't bad enough, my pal Dan died last week. That's some pretty heavy shit. I hadn't hung out with him much for, like, five years, but we used to be pretty tight. Here's how it happened. Dan was minding his own, sitting on his front steps, listening to The Rock, the No. 1 source for classic rock in the greater Midwest, 107.7 on your FM dial. They have these 20-song, no-commercial rock-blocks, and if you catch them a song shy or if they interrupt the rock for any reason, you can win $500 by calling in. The 20-song block is like a sacred promise to their listeners, and The Rock knows that breaking that oath will have consequences.

Well, the station was right in the middle of the 12th song in the rock block when the announcer broke in to say that someone had spotted a tornado on the west side of town. Dan got on the cordless phone and tried to get through to the station, since their rock block was broken. He should have won $500. Instead, the tornado picked up an axle that was laying around in Dan's yard and sent it through his chest. There's no justice in life.

Know what the funny thing is? When I saw Dan a couple months ago, he was talking about needing to get rid of all those axles. He was sick of his neighbors hassling him and the city threatening to fine him. If only he'd cleaned his yard, instead of just talking about it. Ain't life fucked up?

It just goes to show you that you never know when it'll be your time to go. One second you're on the phone trying to win $500, the next you have an axle through your lungs. Well, after hearing about Dan, I decided that Jim Anchower is gonna live every day like it's his last. No more wishing I'd drank that MGD, smoked that bowl, or punched that guy. It's all gonna be balls-out from now on.

First thing I'm gonna do, if I can get the money together, is buy myself a bag of weed big enough to last me at least a month. Then I'm gonna get all my friends together at my place to smoke up and eat pizza. Then, when we're full, we'll smoke up again and play video games. I'm gonna win every game, because I'll have the thing that no one else has: a new lease on life. After everyone leaves, I'm gonna go to bed and sleep as late as I want. Then I'm gonna get up and start all over again.

Here's another decision I've made: When the road calls me, I'm gonna listen to it. I spent the past year working behind the wheel, but still, I'd forgotten what driving was all about. From here on out, I'm gonna be one with the open road. It's gonna be me, my sweet ride—or whatever ride I have at the time—and a six-disc changer stocked with the best rock known to man. I'll find myself a nice, flat stretch of road with no traffic lights or cops, and I will fly.

From now on, if I want to see a movie, I'm gonna see it in the theater. For real. I'm not gonna sit around the house thinking it'd be a good idea to go see a movie, and then drink beer until I'm too tired to get off my ass. No, I'm gonna get into my car, drive to that theater, and enjoy the movie like it's the best movie ever made, even if it sucks. After the first movie is done, I'm gonna sneak into another one. I'll keep sneaking into more movies until the theater closes or some usher catches me. And, if I get kicked out, I'm gonna say I gotta piss and try to sneak back in again.

From now on, it's my way or the highway. If people don't see eye-to-eye with me, fuck 'em. I'm not gonna waste my time trying to talk sense to people if they're just gonna be ballbags. Unless they're cashiers and I have to buy food or something from them, in which case, I suppose I'll feel sorry for them, since they don't have an enlightened point of view like me.

Only one thing's standing in my way right now, and that's I got no income. I think I can stretch my final check a few weeks, but if I'm gonna live the dream, I guess I have to get another job. Ron said he might be able to get me a job at the carbonics plant where he works. That would be all right. Once I get enough cash socked away, I'm gonna live large. Oh, and also, I'm gonna start looking around for a new place that has a basement.

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