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Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Item! There's a new crime film that everyone's talking about! Now, you know that I don't ordinarily go for those crime movies, because they're too violent—who needs to see all that blood in order to enjoy a good movie? Well, you'll be happy to know that this one is almost 100 percent blood-free, friends. It's a terse thriller/comedy called Smokey And The Bandit, and, mark my words, it will be the next big thing! Without giving too much away, it's about a cross-country race, and it has a cavalcade of stars the likes of which haven't been seen since It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World. It makes you laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat all at once. This spells comeback with a capital C for Burt Reynolds, who last graced our presence on the CBS television show Late In The Evening. Do I smell Oscar? I surely do!

What's the deal with that Mir space shuttle? I mean, first they have fires and engine problems, and then their computer takes over and tries to kill everyone! Well, I say we shouldn't send any more of our brave astronauts into that floating death trap! That is, unless they're armed with laser pistols to do battle with space aliens!

Item! Now, as those do-no-wrong hit makers Depeche Mode once said, I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but have you heard about Ray Charles? According to my good sources, not only is he not blind, but,apparently he's a quite a gambler to boot! It seems that Mr. Charles was recently spotted at the Kino tables at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and he was raking in quite a bit of money! When he asked what his secret was, he just laughed and, in true Ray Charles fashion, said, "Just clean living." Clean living! Why, I'm the cleanest liver I know, so I guess if I went out to Vegas, I'd make a bundle, too!

I try to steer clear of the political stuff in my column, but I just have to say that Marilyn Albright is one go-get-'em sort of gal! If anyone can get this whole tax mess cleared up, it's her, wouldn't you say?

Cigar smoking may be all the rage these days, but those stogies sure do stink up the place!

Item! Superstar stargazer Carl Sagan has been quiet lately, but there's a good reason for that: The word on the Harvey grapevine is that he's dead! What a shame if this were true. I certainly hope someone will step forward and dismiss this as a cruel hoax. I wouldn't put it past Carl to do such a thing, because he has a reputation as being the merriest of pranksters.

Frank Sinatra isn't looking very well these days, but he sure can still belt out a tune!

Item! What is it these days with the biting? In my last column, I reported that actor Crispin Slater bit a man in the tummy and that sportscaster Marv Alberts bit his wife on the leg. Now, my sources tell me that boxer Mike Tyson bit someone (his opponent, probably) on the ear! Mike must have been pretty steamed at the guy to do that. Then again, in this day and age, who can tell if it was part of the fight or if it was some kind of affection thing?

Bruce Dern, Laura Dern... Just how many gosh-"dern" Derns are there?!

Well, that's all the dish for this time, true believers, but remember to keep looking at the stars, and then maybe one will fall on you. And I mean that in a pleasant way, not an unpleasant way.

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