Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

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Vol 32 Issue 10

Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new professional teams. I went one step further and proclaimed that I would form a foot-ball club of my very own, the Onion Linotypists, with myself as coach! I played defensive full-backer when I attended beloved old Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, and I grew misty-eyed at the chance of seeing wanton blood-baths upon the grid-iron once again. Plus, it would give me great satisfaction to see those wretched Pottsville Maroons go down in defeat. Curse them and the Canton Bull-Dogs as well!

Gene Wilder To Make Horrible, Horrible Movie

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad," Wilder said, "and I will be tremendously irritating throughout it." Wilder assured reporters that Wrong Way, in which he plays a mute driving instructor, will be far inferior to Another You and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Rumors are already flying about a possible comedy starring Wilder and Richard Pryor that will be just sad.

Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are scrambling to purchase tickets. "Who could resist such an unbelievable jackpot, except, of course, smart people who understand mathematics?" lottery director Gus Shriner said. "I mean, we're talking $140 million. You'd have to be marginally educated to walk away from a $1 chance at that."

Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line, "get-tough" stance against pornography in the Rubino household. "I don't want those tapes in the house," Rubino told her husband. "What am I supposed to tell our grandchildren when they come over?" Among the pornographic films Rubino cited as unacceptable for use by the Deputy Attorney General: Forrest Hump, Backside To The Future, and Sex Trek: First Cuntact. Mr. Rubino said he may invoke the "please" clause in an effort to keep the tapes in the Rubino home.

Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that he is leaving the group over creative differences. "We just reached a point where we had very different ideas about where this band is heading," Balaban said. "While the other guys wanted to go in a more power-ballad, ‘Open Arms,' ‘Send Her My Love'-oriented direction, I felt that we should be focusing on rocking out more in a ‘Separate Ways' fashion." Balaban said he plans to embark on a solo career, starting a Journey-lead-vocalist tribute act called "Steve Perry." The most likely replacement for Balaban in Wheel In The Sky is Jim "Kerr" Bulone, currently lead singer of Glittering Prize, a Detroit-area Simple Minds tribute band.

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at night in their rooms, paralyzed by the soul-shaking thought of one day having intimate relations with a member of the opposite gender, they confidently parade about the shopping malls in their sleeveless shirts and short pants, caressing one another's hands in plain view of other JCPenney's patrons.

Christ Demands More Money

JERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His followers' lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion based upon belief in Him.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Item! There's a new crime film that everyone's talking about! Now, you know that I don't ordinarily go for those crime movies, because they're too violent—who needs to see all that blood in order to enjoy a good movie? Well, you'll be happy to know that this one is almost 100 percent blood-free, friends. It's a terse thriller/comedy called Smokey And The Bandit, and, mark my words, it will be the next big thing! Without giving too much away, it's about a cross-country race, and it has a cavalcade of stars the likes of which haven't been seen since It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World. It makes you laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat all at once. This spells comeback with a capital C for Burt Reynolds, who last graced our presence on the CBS television show Late In The Evening. Do I smell Oscar? I surely do!

What's the deal with that Mir space shuttle? I mean, first they have fires and engine problems, and then their computer takes over and tries to kill everyone! Well, I say we shouldn't send any more of our brave astronauts into that floating death trap! That is, unless they're armed with laser pistols to do battle with space aliens!

Item! Now, as those do-no-wrong hit makers Depeche Mode once said, I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but have you heard about Ray Charles? According to my good sources, not only is he not blind, but,apparently he's a quite a gambler to boot! It seems that Mr. Charles was recently spotted at the Kino tables at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and he was raking in quite a bit of money! When he asked what his secret was, he just laughed and, in true Ray Charles fashion, said, "Just clean living." Clean living! Why, I'm the cleanest liver I know, so I guess if I went out to Vegas, I'd make a bundle, too!

I try to steer clear of the political stuff in my column, but I just have to say that Marilyn Albright is one go-get-'em sort of gal! If anyone can get this whole tax mess cleared up, it's her, wouldn't you say?

Cigar smoking may be all the rage these days, but those stogies sure do stink up the place!

Item! Superstar stargazer Carl Sagan has been quiet lately, but there's a good reason for that: The word on the Harvey grapevine is that he's dead! What a shame if this were true. I certainly hope someone will step forward and dismiss this as a cruel hoax. I wouldn't put it past Carl to do such a thing, because he has a reputation as being the merriest of pranksters.

Frank Sinatra isn't looking very well these days, but he sure can still belt out a tune!

Item! What is it these days with the biting? In my last column, I reported that actor Crispin Slater bit a man in the tummy and that sportscaster Marv Alberts bit his wife on the leg. Now, my sources tell me that boxer Mike Tyson bit someone (his opponent, probably) on the ear! Mike must have been pretty steamed at the guy to do that. Then again, in this day and age, who can tell if it was part of the fight or if it was some kind of affection thing?

Bruce Dern, Laura Dern... Just how many gosh-"dern" Derns are there?!

Well, that's all the dish for this time, true believers, but remember to keep looking at the stars, and then maybe one will fall on you. And I mean that in a pleasant way, not an unpleasant way.

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