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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Item! There's a new crime film that everyone's talking about! Now, you know that I don't ordinarily go for those crime movies, because they're too violent—who needs to see all that blood in order to enjoy a good movie? Well, you'll be happy to know that this one is almost 100 percent blood-free, friends. It's a terse thriller/comedy called Smokey And The Bandit, and, mark my words, it will be the next big thing! Without giving too much away, it's about a cross-country race, and it has a cavalcade of stars the likes of which haven't been seen since It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World. It makes you laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat all at once. This spells comeback with a capital C for Burt Reynolds, who last graced our presence on the CBS television show Late In The Evening. Do I smell Oscar? I surely do!

What's the deal with that Mir space shuttle? I mean, first they have fires and engine problems, and then their computer takes over and tries to kill everyone! Well, I say we shouldn't send any more of our brave astronauts into that floating death trap! That is, unless they're armed with laser pistols to do battle with space aliens!

Item! Now, as those do-no-wrong hit makers Depeche Mode once said, I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but have you heard about Ray Charles? According to my good sources, not only is he not blind, but,apparently he's a quite a gambler to boot! It seems that Mr. Charles was recently spotted at the Kino tables at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and he was raking in quite a bit of money! When he asked what his secret was, he just laughed and, in true Ray Charles fashion, said, "Just clean living." Clean living! Why, I'm the cleanest liver I know, so I guess if I went out to Vegas, I'd make a bundle, too!

I try to steer clear of the political stuff in my column, but I just have to say that Marilyn Albright is one go-get-'em sort of gal! If anyone can get this whole tax mess cleared up, it's her, wouldn't you say?

Cigar smoking may be all the rage these days, but those stogies sure do stink up the place!

Item! Superstar stargazer Carl Sagan has been quiet lately, but there's a good reason for that: The word on the Harvey grapevine is that he's dead! What a shame if this were true. I certainly hope someone will step forward and dismiss this as a cruel hoax. I wouldn't put it past Carl to do such a thing, because he has a reputation as being the merriest of pranksters.

Frank Sinatra isn't looking very well these days, but he sure can still belt out a tune!

Item! What is it these days with the biting? In my last column, I reported that actor Crispin Slater bit a man in the tummy and that sportscaster Marv Alberts bit his wife on the leg. Now, my sources tell me that boxer Mike Tyson bit someone (his opponent, probably) on the ear! Mike must have been pretty steamed at the guy to do that. Then again, in this day and age, who can tell if it was part of the fight or if it was some kind of affection thing?

Bruce Dern, Laura Dern... Just how many gosh-"dern" Derns are there?!

Well, that's all the dish for this time, true believers, but remember to keep looking at the stars, and then maybe one will fall on you. And I mean that in a pleasant way, not an unpleasant way.

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