adBlockCheck

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his leap onto the big screen. He's read a million scripts, but he's turned them all down. The reason? He still hasn't found one that will break him out of the tough-guy typecast. Apparently, after years of winning rave reviews as the muscle-headed brute in the Energizer commercials, he wants a chance to show his fans his sensitive side. Perhaps he'll consider my screenplay-in-progress, which is loosely based on the life of a certain unnamed Hollywood columnist who is jilted at the altar by his bride-to-be, leaving him to reflect upon his life. Sounds pretty good, eh, Jocko? Oi!

Item! There's a new crime film that everyone's talking about! Now, you know that I don't ordinarily go for those crime movies, because they're too violent—who needs to see all that blood in order to enjoy a good movie? Well, you'll be happy to know that this one is almost 100 percent blood-free, friends. It's a terse thriller/comedy called Smokey And The Bandit, and, mark my words, it will be the next big thing! Without giving too much away, it's about a cross-country race, and it has a cavalcade of stars the likes of which haven't been seen since It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World. It makes you laugh and keeps you on the edge of your seat all at once. This spells comeback with a capital C for Burt Reynolds, who last graced our presence on the CBS television show Late In The Evening. Do I smell Oscar? I surely do!

What's the deal with that Mir space shuttle? I mean, first they have fires and engine problems, and then their computer takes over and tries to kill everyone! Well, I say we shouldn't send any more of our brave astronauts into that floating death trap! That is, unless they're armed with laser pistols to do battle with space aliens!

Item! Now, as those do-no-wrong hit makers Depeche Mode once said, I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but have you heard about Ray Charles? According to my good sources, not only is he not blind, but,apparently he's a quite a gambler to boot! It seems that Mr. Charles was recently spotted at the Kino tables at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and he was raking in quite a bit of money! When he asked what his secret was, he just laughed and, in true Ray Charles fashion, said, "Just clean living." Clean living! Why, I'm the cleanest liver I know, so I guess if I went out to Vegas, I'd make a bundle, too!

I try to steer clear of the political stuff in my column, but I just have to say that Marilyn Albright is one go-get-'em sort of gal! If anyone can get this whole tax mess cleared up, it's her, wouldn't you say?

Cigar smoking may be all the rage these days, but those stogies sure do stink up the place!

Item! Superstar stargazer Carl Sagan has been quiet lately, but there's a good reason for that: The word on the Harvey grapevine is that he's dead! What a shame if this were true. I certainly hope someone will step forward and dismiss this as a cruel hoax. I wouldn't put it past Carl to do such a thing, because he has a reputation as being the merriest of pranksters.

Frank Sinatra isn't looking very well these days, but he sure can still belt out a tune!

Item! What is it these days with the biting? In my last column, I reported that actor Crispin Slater bit a man in the tummy and that sportscaster Marv Alberts bit his wife on the leg. Now, my sources tell me that boxer Mike Tyson bit someone (his opponent, probably) on the ear! Mike must have been pretty steamed at the guy to do that. Then again, in this day and age, who can tell if it was part of the fight or if it was some kind of affection thing?

Bruce Dern, Laura Dern... Just how many gosh-"dern" Derns are there?!

Well, that's all the dish for this time, true believers, but remember to keep looking at the stars, and then maybe one will fall on you. And I mean that in a pleasant way, not an unpleasant way.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close