Judases!

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Vol 33 Issue 23

Donut-Shaped Thing In Kitchen Junk Drawer Has No Discernible Purpose Whatsoever

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it was reported Monday. "It looks like it goes in a tape dispenser or something," Voss said. "But that doesn't explain the little bumps." Voss' wife Helen speculated that the object may have fallen out of her sewing kit, but is similarly baffled by its function. "I guess you could put threads through the little holes around the rim," she said, "but then what would you do with it?"

You Just Have To Get To Know Area Jerk

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where he's coming from. "I'm not out to piss people off or anything," Schoepke said. "Once you get to know me, you realize I'm just being honest about things. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't bullshit around, you know? If you're straight with me, I'm straight with you." Schoepke further noted that although he might talk a lot, he knows a lot about a lot of stuff.

Brief Ceremony Marks Delivery Boy's Passage Into Delivery Manhood

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a delivery man," said Gino's Pizzeria owner Gino Torricelli, who presided over the traditional rite-of-passage ceremony, held on a delivery youth's 16th birthday. "Take these pies to 114-54 Corona Avenue, Apt. 4-G."

Bus Rider Clutching Head In Pain Completely Ignored

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus passengers Tuesday. The 17 other passengers on the bus employed a variety of tactics in ignoring Herndon, including looking out the window, gazing intently at the bus' advertising placards and staring at their own feet. "This is the C bus, right?" passenger Darryl Frost asked another rider in an effort to appear unaware of the moaning, doubled-over man sitting four seats away from him. "It is? Great."

Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?

Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

As CEO of Johnson Home Products, manufacturers of quality household appliances and furnishings since 1884, I would like to take a moment to assure you, our valued customer, that your safety is our number-two concern.
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Judases!

Judases! You are all Judases! That's right—you! I work my fingers to the bone for nearly a century to bring you a nice news-paper with crisp news-print and that lovely fresh-ink smell, and how do you reward me? By listening to the wireless-radio news dispatches! Judases!

Well, it's not the first time I've been betrayed by you lousy readers. Back in the autumn of '21, The Onion's reader-ship plummeted, with people flocking to buy the Hearst papers for the latest news-items on the murder scandal involving the famed clown-prince of the moving-daguerreotypes, "Fatty" Arbuckle. I tried my best to recover my lost reader-ship, at one point offering Charlie Chaplin $10,000 to kick a baby in the face in exchange for his exclusive story. But the sanctimonious Chaplin refused, calling me an "amoral brute." We finally increased our circulation after we began printing hair-oil coupons on the front page, but I learned a hard lesson: Our readers are a fickle bunch of pulers whose favor can be gained only by dangling a shiny bauble in their pasty, infantile faces.

If not Hearst, then who gave you the 30 pieces of silver this time, you Judases? Judases! Judases, all! Well, take a number and step in line, because you're joining a by-no-means-exclusive club of people who have forsaken me during my long life. These infamous individuals include my child-hood wet-nurse, my instructors at Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, all my senior editors at The Onion, my accountants, my wife and sons, Sen. Robert M. LaFollette, Doc McGillicuddy, Mr. Tin, my pet eagle, and the fellow who draws Moon Mullins.

Well, that tears it. If you think you can give T. Herman Zweibel the brush-off whenever you like and then pick up his news-paper as though nothing has happened, you are mistaken. You are not allowed to read this paper ever again. Go on, put it down. I command you. You turn-coats, traitors and double-crossers are not welcome to peruse the Republic's finest source of news-worthy material. You are unworthy. Only the pure-of-heart may read The Onion.

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