adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Judases!

Judases! You are all Judases! That's right—you! I work my fingers to the bone for nearly a century to bring you a nice news-paper with crisp news-print and that lovely fresh-ink smell, and how do you reward me? By listening to the wireless-radio news dispatches! Judases!

Well, it's not the first time I've been betrayed by you lousy readers. Back in the autumn of '21, The Onion's reader-ship plummeted, with people flocking to buy the Hearst papers for the latest news-items on the murder scandal involving the famed clown-prince of the moving-daguerreotypes, "Fatty" Arbuckle. I tried my best to recover my lost reader-ship, at one point offering Charlie Chaplin $10,000 to kick a baby in the face in exchange for his exclusive story. But the sanctimonious Chaplin refused, calling me an "amoral brute." We finally increased our circulation after we began printing hair-oil coupons on the front page, but I learned a hard lesson: Our readers are a fickle bunch of pulers whose favor can be gained only by dangling a shiny bauble in their pasty, infantile faces.

If not Hearst, then who gave you the 30 pieces of silver this time, you Judases? Judases! Judases, all! Well, take a number and step in line, because you're joining a by-no-means-exclusive club of people who have forsaken me during my long life. These infamous individuals include my child-hood wet-nurse, my instructors at Cadwalader Preparatory Academy, all my senior editors at The Onion, my accountants, my wife and sons, Sen. Robert M. LaFollette, Doc McGillicuddy, Mr. Tin, my pet eagle, and the fellow who draws Moon Mullins.

Well, that tears it. If you think you can give T. Herman Zweibel the brush-off whenever you like and then pick up his news-paper as though nothing has happened, you are mistaken. You are not allowed to read this paper ever again. Go on, put it down. I command you. You turn-coats, traitors and double-crossers are not welcome to peruse the Republic's finest source of news-worthy material. You are unworthy. Only the pure-of-heart may read The Onion.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close