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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Item! Television's Jerry Seinfield is back, and he brought a friend with him—my boyhood hero Superman! The amazing duo is making commercials for American Express. I have an idea for a commercial: Jerry and Superman team up to find Ossama bin Laden, but then, because they start arguing about something funny, Ossama gets away! If you know Jerry, tell him he can use that one—on me!

I'm really getting into pineapples these days. Growing up, my pineapple always came from a can, so it used to be, when I saw a whole fresh pineapple, I'd think, "Whoa, how do you even start to eat that?" I had no idea how to even open one, but last month, I bought one anyway because I love to try new things. Surprise! There was a card with instructions attached! The lesson here: Never be afraid to try something different at the supermarket.

Item! Word on the street is that Baywatch's David Castlehof is falling in with the wrong crowd. First, the news came out that he was going to record a rap album with gang member Iced T. Then he was arrested for drunk driving. Coincidence? I don't see how it could be. If you fall in with a bad crowd, bad will come of it. David, you should have hooked up with a nice rapper, like Jay-C. He has his own line of clothes.

Item! Wolverine won a Tony! After seeing him at his moody, glowering best in X Games and the sequel, X2, I had a feeling he had it in him to sing and dance on stage, and I don't mind telling you that I was right. He knocked my socks off as Liza Minelli's first (and only, in my book) husband, Dave Allen. Congratulations, Hugh Jackson!

(There were plenty of other surprises at the Tonys, but I'm sure you all saw the awards ceremony, so there's no point in my wasting your time.)

It's the end of an era. Friends is done forever, and already their friendly antics are fading away, like a dream that you remember when you first wake up, but becomes harder to recall as the day wears on. I've been catching the show from my home office a few times a day now that it's in syndication, but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm trying to recapture old glories. Maybe they'll put together a new show of the best outtakes. Heck, with 10 years of episodes, they could probably make a full season of that. As long as they didn't put it up against any CSI series, I'd watch.

And I can't even remember the name of that radio psychiatrist show anymore. Do you remember the one?

What's the deal with Deadwood? I've heard a few things about it, mostly that it's full of words I wouldn't want my mother to hear. I thought the FTC told everyone to clean up their acts after that whole costume malfunction earlier this year. I guess the people at HBO didn't get the memo.

I just discovered Feng Suey, the Japanese art of arranging your home so it will be visited by good spirits. I can't wait to try it. The article I read didn't say how to arrange my bobblehead dolls, though. I guess I'll have to buy the book.

Item! J-Lo got J-married! The Queen Of Booty got married in a surprise ceremony to Mark Anthony. I hope this isn't the same Mark Anthony who helped kill Julius Caesar—if so, he must be about 600 years old! Let's hope that the third time's the charm for the lovely Lopez and the second time's the charm for Anthony. She deserves some happiness after being strung along by Ben Affleck for so long.

Item! Ray Charles passed away. I saw him play a few years ago, and I'll never forget how he looked, playing the piano, bobbing around like he hadn't a care in the world. Watching him play, I didn't have a care in the world, either. Summer is the season of death. We'll miss you, Ray.

Ronald Reagan died, too. I may not have agreed with him about everything, but he had some very presidential qualities. He came out of Hollywood, so he was suited to the role of America's leading man. He had a quick wit and a well-modulated voice. He laid off all the air-traffic controllers, my cousin Glen among them, but he was also the man who brought an end to our nuclear weapons program. I'm no historian. I only know what I saw.

I've been thinking about getting a puppy lately. They don't need much care, just some food and a walk once in a while, but they give so much affection. Also, they're just the thing I need to help me meet that special someone. (I'm told that childless women go ga-ga over puppies.)

I'm out of space, so that will have to do for this episode of The Outside Scoop. Come back next time to hear the real deal about the romance on the set of Harry Potter. Also, I'll give you my two cents about Roger Moore and Fahrenheit 411. Until then, I'll be first in line, heading right up to the center seat and shushing everyone so that I can give you the straight scoop, unfiltered... from the outside.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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