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Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Item! Television's Jerry Seinfield is back, and he brought a friend with him—my boyhood hero Superman! The amazing duo is making commercials for American Express. I have an idea for a commercial: Jerry and Superman team up to find Ossama bin Laden, but then, because they start arguing about something funny, Ossama gets away! If you know Jerry, tell him he can use that one—on me!

I'm really getting into pineapples these days. Growing up, my pineapple always came from a can, so it used to be, when I saw a whole fresh pineapple, I'd think, "Whoa, how do you even start to eat that?" I had no idea how to even open one, but last month, I bought one anyway because I love to try new things. Surprise! There was a card with instructions attached! The lesson here: Never be afraid to try something different at the supermarket.

Item! Word on the street is that Baywatch's David Castlehof is falling in with the wrong crowd. First, the news came out that he was going to record a rap album with gang member Iced T. Then he was arrested for drunk driving. Coincidence? I don't see how it could be. If you fall in with a bad crowd, bad will come of it. David, you should have hooked up with a nice rapper, like Jay-C. He has his own line of clothes.

Item! Wolverine won a Tony! After seeing him at his moody, glowering best in X Games and the sequel, X2, I had a feeling he had it in him to sing and dance on stage, and I don't mind telling you that I was right. He knocked my socks off as Liza Minelli's first (and only, in my book) husband, Dave Allen. Congratulations, Hugh Jackson!

(There were plenty of other surprises at the Tonys, but I'm sure you all saw the awards ceremony, so there's no point in my wasting your time.)

It's the end of an era. Friends is done forever, and already their friendly antics are fading away, like a dream that you remember when you first wake up, but becomes harder to recall as the day wears on. I've been catching the show from my home office a few times a day now that it's in syndication, but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm trying to recapture old glories. Maybe they'll put together a new show of the best outtakes. Heck, with 10 years of episodes, they could probably make a full season of that. As long as they didn't put it up against any CSI series, I'd watch.

And I can't even remember the name of that radio psychiatrist show anymore. Do you remember the one?

What's the deal with Deadwood? I've heard a few things about it, mostly that it's full of words I wouldn't want my mother to hear. I thought the FTC told everyone to clean up their acts after that whole costume malfunction earlier this year. I guess the people at HBO didn't get the memo.

I just discovered Feng Suey, the Japanese art of arranging your home so it will be visited by good spirits. I can't wait to try it. The article I read didn't say how to arrange my bobblehead dolls, though. I guess I'll have to buy the book.

Item! J-Lo got J-married! The Queen Of Booty got married in a surprise ceremony to Mark Anthony. I hope this isn't the same Mark Anthony who helped kill Julius Caesar—if so, he must be about 600 years old! Let's hope that the third time's the charm for the lovely Lopez and the second time's the charm for Anthony. She deserves some happiness after being strung along by Ben Affleck for so long.

Item! Ray Charles passed away. I saw him play a few years ago, and I'll never forget how he looked, playing the piano, bobbing around like he hadn't a care in the world. Watching him play, I didn't have a care in the world, either. Summer is the season of death. We'll miss you, Ray.

Ronald Reagan died, too. I may not have agreed with him about everything, but he had some very presidential qualities. He came out of Hollywood, so he was suited to the role of America's leading man. He had a quick wit and a well-modulated voice. He laid off all the air-traffic controllers, my cousin Glen among them, but he was also the man who brought an end to our nuclear weapons program. I'm no historian. I only know what I saw.

I've been thinking about getting a puppy lately. They don't need much care, just some food and a walk once in a while, but they give so much affection. Also, they're just the thing I need to help me meet that special someone. (I'm told that childless women go ga-ga over puppies.)

I'm out of space, so that will have to do for this episode of The Outside Scoop. Come back next time to hear the real deal about the romance on the set of Harry Potter. Also, I'll give you my two cents about Roger Moore and Fahrenheit 411. Until then, I'll be first in line, heading right up to the center seat and shushing everyone so that I can give you the straight scoop, unfiltered... from the outside.

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