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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Item! Television's Jerry Seinfield is back, and he brought a friend with him—my boyhood hero Superman! The amazing duo is making commercials for American Express. I have an idea for a commercial: Jerry and Superman team up to find Ossama bin Laden, but then, because they start arguing about something funny, Ossama gets away! If you know Jerry, tell him he can use that one—on me!

I'm really getting into pineapples these days. Growing up, my pineapple always came from a can, so it used to be, when I saw a whole fresh pineapple, I'd think, "Whoa, how do you even start to eat that?" I had no idea how to even open one, but last month, I bought one anyway because I love to try new things. Surprise! There was a card with instructions attached! The lesson here: Never be afraid to try something different at the supermarket.

Item! Word on the street is that Baywatch's David Castlehof is falling in with the wrong crowd. First, the news came out that he was going to record a rap album with gang member Iced T. Then he was arrested for drunk driving. Coincidence? I don't see how it could be. If you fall in with a bad crowd, bad will come of it. David, you should have hooked up with a nice rapper, like Jay-C. He has his own line of clothes.

Item! Wolverine won a Tony! After seeing him at his moody, glowering best in X Games and the sequel, X2, I had a feeling he had it in him to sing and dance on stage, and I don't mind telling you that I was right. He knocked my socks off as Liza Minelli's first (and only, in my book) husband, Dave Allen. Congratulations, Hugh Jackson!

(There were plenty of other surprises at the Tonys, but I'm sure you all saw the awards ceremony, so there's no point in my wasting your time.)

It's the end of an era. Friends is done forever, and already their friendly antics are fading away, like a dream that you remember when you first wake up, but becomes harder to recall as the day wears on. I've been catching the show from my home office a few times a day now that it's in syndication, but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm trying to recapture old glories. Maybe they'll put together a new show of the best outtakes. Heck, with 10 years of episodes, they could probably make a full season of that. As long as they didn't put it up against any CSI series, I'd watch.

And I can't even remember the name of that radio psychiatrist show anymore. Do you remember the one?

What's the deal with Deadwood? I've heard a few things about it, mostly that it's full of words I wouldn't want my mother to hear. I thought the FTC told everyone to clean up their acts after that whole costume malfunction earlier this year. I guess the people at HBO didn't get the memo.

I just discovered Feng Suey, the Japanese art of arranging your home so it will be visited by good spirits. I can't wait to try it. The article I read didn't say how to arrange my bobblehead dolls, though. I guess I'll have to buy the book.

Item! J-Lo got J-married! The Queen Of Booty got married in a surprise ceremony to Mark Anthony. I hope this isn't the same Mark Anthony who helped kill Julius Caesar—if so, he must be about 600 years old! Let's hope that the third time's the charm for the lovely Lopez and the second time's the charm for Anthony. She deserves some happiness after being strung along by Ben Affleck for so long.

Item! Ray Charles passed away. I saw him play a few years ago, and I'll never forget how he looked, playing the piano, bobbing around like he hadn't a care in the world. Watching him play, I didn't have a care in the world, either. Summer is the season of death. We'll miss you, Ray.

Ronald Reagan died, too. I may not have agreed with him about everything, but he had some very presidential qualities. He came out of Hollywood, so he was suited to the role of America's leading man. He had a quick wit and a well-modulated voice. He laid off all the air-traffic controllers, my cousin Glen among them, but he was also the man who brought an end to our nuclear weapons program. I'm no historian. I only know what I saw.

I've been thinking about getting a puppy lately. They don't need much care, just some food and a walk once in a while, but they give so much affection. Also, they're just the thing I need to help me meet that special someone. (I'm told that childless women go ga-ga over puppies.)

I'm out of space, so that will have to do for this episode of The Outside Scoop. Come back next time to hear the real deal about the romance on the set of Harry Potter. Also, I'll give you my two cents about Roger Moore and Fahrenheit 411. Until then, I'll be first in line, heading right up to the center seat and shushing everyone so that I can give you the straight scoop, unfiltered... from the outside.

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