Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

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Vol 40 Issue 25

7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him

COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. "King me," the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. "Do it." The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say "sorry" during the game of the same name.

Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average

MORSE BLUFF, NE—Although neighbors report that the Kenner family is "immensely troubled," recently published statistics suggest they are more or less average, sources reported Monday. "Sure, the kids are upset that Doug and Tammy are splitting up because of Doug's extramarital affairs, but that's hardly unusual," said analyst Doreen Fellows, who cited 2000 U.S. Census figures indicating that more than 60 percent of all American children are from divorced families. "Maybe the family would have fared better if not for Doreen's drinking, but the situation is far from unusual. According to the American Medical Association, 72 percent of American homes harbor someone with an addiction." Unbeknownst to the Kenners, one out of four family members will contract chlamydia in his or her lifetime.

Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground

ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22 Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the house razed by Orkin exterminator Zach Knight. "I called Orkin and told them we had ants," former homeowner Bill Danby said. "Twenty minutes later, a guy in a red polo shirt and a mask knocked on the door, told us to get out of the house, and said we should take our most precious belongings. Minutes later, we smelled smoke." That night, Danby received a phone call from an anonymous party, who warned him that "the Orkin man will be back" to perform a follow-up inspection of the property Thursday.

Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.

Iraq's New Flag

Iraq is poised to assume self-rule, but many citizens are unhappy with the national flag unveiled in April. What are some of the flag's design elements?

Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?

Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul Bremer publicly touted the success of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Item! Television's Jerry Seinfield is back, and he brought a friend with him—my boyhood hero Superman! The amazing duo is making commercials for American Express. I have an idea for a commercial: Jerry and Superman team up to find Ossama bin Laden, but then, because they start arguing about something funny, Ossama gets away! If you know Jerry, tell him he can use that one—on me!

I'm really getting into pineapples these days. Growing up, my pineapple always came from a can, so it used to be, when I saw a whole fresh pineapple, I'd think, "Whoa, how do you even start to eat that?" I had no idea how to even open one, but last month, I bought one anyway because I love to try new things. Surprise! There was a card with instructions attached! The lesson here: Never be afraid to try something different at the supermarket.

Item! Word on the street is that Baywatch's David Castlehof is falling in with the wrong crowd. First, the news came out that he was going to record a rap album with gang member Iced T. Then he was arrested for drunk driving. Coincidence? I don't see how it could be. If you fall in with a bad crowd, bad will come of it. David, you should have hooked up with a nice rapper, like Jay-C. He has his own line of clothes.

Item! Wolverine won a Tony! After seeing him at his moody, glowering best in X Games and the sequel, X2, I had a feeling he had it in him to sing and dance on stage, and I don't mind telling you that I was right. He knocked my socks off as Liza Minelli's first (and only, in my book) husband, Dave Allen. Congratulations, Hugh Jackson!

(There were plenty of other surprises at the Tonys, but I'm sure you all saw the awards ceremony, so there's no point in my wasting your time.)

It's the end of an era. Friends is done forever, and already their friendly antics are fading away, like a dream that you remember when you first wake up, but becomes harder to recall as the day wears on. I've been catching the show from my home office a few times a day now that it's in syndication, but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm trying to recapture old glories. Maybe they'll put together a new show of the best outtakes. Heck, with 10 years of episodes, they could probably make a full season of that. As long as they didn't put it up against any CSI series, I'd watch.

And I can't even remember the name of that radio psychiatrist show anymore. Do you remember the one?

What's the deal with Deadwood? I've heard a few things about it, mostly that it's full of words I wouldn't want my mother to hear. I thought the FTC told everyone to clean up their acts after that whole costume malfunction earlier this year. I guess the people at HBO didn't get the memo.

I just discovered Feng Suey, the Japanese art of arranging your home so it will be visited by good spirits. I can't wait to try it. The article I read didn't say how to arrange my bobblehead dolls, though. I guess I'll have to buy the book.

Item! J-Lo got J-married! The Queen Of Booty got married in a surprise ceremony to Mark Anthony. I hope this isn't the same Mark Anthony who helped kill Julius Caesar—if so, he must be about 600 years old! Let's hope that the third time's the charm for the lovely Lopez and the second time's the charm for Anthony. She deserves some happiness after being strung along by Ben Affleck for so long.

Item! Ray Charles passed away. I saw him play a few years ago, and I'll never forget how he looked, playing the piano, bobbing around like he hadn't a care in the world. Watching him play, I didn't have a care in the world, either. Summer is the season of death. We'll miss you, Ray.

Ronald Reagan died, too. I may not have agreed with him about everything, but he had some very presidential qualities. He came out of Hollywood, so he was suited to the role of America's leading man. He had a quick wit and a well-modulated voice. He laid off all the air-traffic controllers, my cousin Glen among them, but he was also the man who brought an end to our nuclear weapons program. I'm no historian. I only know what I saw.

I've been thinking about getting a puppy lately. They don't need much care, just some food and a walk once in a while, but they give so much affection. Also, they're just the thing I need to help me meet that special someone. (I'm told that childless women go ga-ga over puppies.)

I'm out of space, so that will have to do for this episode of The Outside Scoop. Come back next time to hear the real deal about the romance on the set of Harry Potter. Also, I'll give you my two cents about Roger Moore and Fahrenheit 411. Until then, I'll be first in line, heading right up to the center seat and shushing everyone so that I can give you the straight scoop, unfiltered... from the outside.

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