Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

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Vol 34 Issue 11

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster.

Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
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Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

To hear hubby Rick talk about football, you'd think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Every Sunday, he and his buddies from the tire center get together to root for the Vikings on our new 30-inch big-screen TV. (It's the one day of the week Rick changes out of his usual camouflage T-shirt.... and into his Cris Carter jersey!)

Last Monday, I told my girlfriends at work that this whole football widow business was driving me crazy. Well, you'd think I'd just read the riot act, because all the gals started shouting about how their own husbands and boyfriends totally ignore them every football Sunday too!

After everyone got through telling their horror stories, Tracy Ehrhardt, our interim supervisor (she's taking the place of Doris, our regular supervisor, who went on maternity leave), suggested that we all get together at her place on Sundays and declare it a Football-Free Zone. We all thought that was the best idea in the world!

Now, at pretty much every job I've ever had, I've been known as the office cut-up. (If you think I'm nutty in my column, you should see me at work!) But I'm afraid that as long as I'm at SouthCentral Insurance, I'll have to relinquish my crown to Tracy. Tracy is the life of the party! She does this dead-on impersonation of Linda Richman. You know, the one on Saturday Night Live who says, "I'm getting all verklemt! Talk quietly amongst yourselves!" Anyway, it's just hilarious! She also makes this terrific fish-face. (She should tape herself and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. It's that good!) But Tracy had been a little down in the dumps lately because her live-in boyfriend recently left her, so we were all the more delighted that she suggested the party.

That Sunday, when my friend Patti the creative writing teacher and I arrived at Tracy's house, the party was already well underway. Everyone had brought a dish, and everything looked simply mouth-watering. (Eat your hearts out, boys!) And who was at the center of all the fun? You guessed it–Tracy! And believe me, she was stewed to the gills! She was belting down the wine coolers like there was no tomorrow!

Later, as we ate, we got to talking about our silly boyfriends and husbands and their silly football. I mentioned that Rick and his friends have tickets to the Vikings-Lions game in December and plan to paint their chests purple. After I said that, Tracy leaned over to me and whispered, "Ever consider that maybe Rick's a homo?"

Well, that just about knocked the wind out of me! I must have turned about seven shades of red! But that's the kind of crazy joking you have to expect from a wild gal like Tracy! (Touché, Rick!)

Well, after we got through pigging out, we all sat around, too stuffed to move. Then, Sharon, one of the girls from Claims Adjusting and quite a card herself, said, "Well, Tracy, I'd help you clear the dishes, but I'm just too lazy!"

So then Tracy, totally out of the blue, replied, "If you want to see lazy, check out Jean after she gets back from lunch. That's when all those doughnuts and vending-machine snacks start to kick in."

Well, your old pal Jean is big enough to take a joke, but this one seemed a bit too close to the bone. So, I turned to Tracy and said, "That's not true, Tracy. Everybody gets a little run-down and less productive after lunch. Why single me out?"

"Because I can't understand why SouthCentral continues to put up with you, Jean," Tracy said. "You're easily the worst worker in the entire Data Entry department. I'm constantly finding errors in your work, and your evaluations are always poor. And if you think no one notices you punching in 20 minutes before you actually start work or cleaning the coffee machine as an excuse to get away from your desk, think again. You think just because Doris is gone, you can pull all kinds of garbage. If I had any control over it, I'd axe you in a second, but only Doris can do that. But believe me, when she gets back, she'll hear plenty."

I couldn't believe my ears! I had no idea Tracy felt that way about me! The room was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Then Sharon finally said something about how we shouldn't talk shop, and everyone laughed and tried to resume their conversations. Everyone, that is, except me. I was on the verge of bawling! Patti and I left the party a few minutes later.

Patti told me not to worry about what Tracy said because she was really drunk. Besides, Patti said, my true calling is writing, not punching numbers into a computer all day.

I appreciated Patti's words, but inside I was fuming! Just because Tracy was interim supervisor didn't mean she could act all Miss Control Freak! And, technically, I am still a temp, so Tracy isn't even my boss! To think I stayed up half the night baking my legendary Simply Sinful Chocolate Mint Turtle Creme Torte so that I could be subjected to that kind of abuse! (Seems like the "life of the party" became a "party pooper!")

I was sort of afraid to go into work that next morning, but, fortunately, Tracy wasn't there. According to Sharon, shortly after I left Sunday, Tracy locked herself in her bathroom and didn't come out for hours. People could hear her crying and cursing her ex-boyfriend and throwing up. Sharon eventually intervened and sat up with her almost the whole night. The next morning, Tracy called in sick with a killer hangover. Apparently, she remembers nothing of her outburst, and we all decided never to bring it up again.

In spite of my experience, I still recommend that all you football widows out there unite and declare your own Football-Free Zones. (Only lock away those wine coolers!)

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