adBlockCheck

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

Top Headlines

Sports

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

To hear hubby Rick talk about football, you'd think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Every Sunday, he and his buddies from the tire center get together to root for the Vikings on our new 30-inch big-screen TV. (It's the one day of the week Rick changes out of his usual camouflage T-shirt.... and into his Cris Carter jersey!)

Last Monday, I told my girlfriends at work that this whole football widow business was driving me crazy. Well, you'd think I'd just read the riot act, because all the gals started shouting about how their own husbands and boyfriends totally ignore them every football Sunday too!

After everyone got through telling their horror stories, Tracy Ehrhardt, our interim supervisor (she's taking the place of Doris, our regular supervisor, who went on maternity leave), suggested that we all get together at her place on Sundays and declare it a Football-Free Zone. We all thought that was the best idea in the world!

Now, at pretty much every job I've ever had, I've been known as the office cut-up. (If you think I'm nutty in my column, you should see me at work!) But I'm afraid that as long as I'm at SouthCentral Insurance, I'll have to relinquish my crown to Tracy. Tracy is the life of the party! She does this dead-on impersonation of Linda Richman. You know, the one on Saturday Night Live who says, "I'm getting all verklemt! Talk quietly amongst yourselves!" Anyway, it's just hilarious! She also makes this terrific fish-face. (She should tape herself and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. It's that good!) But Tracy had been a little down in the dumps lately because her live-in boyfriend recently left her, so we were all the more delighted that she suggested the party.

That Sunday, when my friend Patti the creative writing teacher and I arrived at Tracy's house, the party was already well underway. Everyone had brought a dish, and everything looked simply mouth-watering. (Eat your hearts out, boys!) And who was at the center of all the fun? You guessed it–Tracy! And believe me, she was stewed to the gills! She was belting down the wine coolers like there was no tomorrow!

Later, as we ate, we got to talking about our silly boyfriends and husbands and their silly football. I mentioned that Rick and his friends have tickets to the Vikings-Lions game in December and plan to paint their chests purple. After I said that, Tracy leaned over to me and whispered, "Ever consider that maybe Rick's a homo?"

Well, that just about knocked the wind out of me! I must have turned about seven shades of red! But that's the kind of crazy joking you have to expect from a wild gal like Tracy! (Touché, Rick!)

Well, after we got through pigging out, we all sat around, too stuffed to move. Then, Sharon, one of the girls from Claims Adjusting and quite a card herself, said, "Well, Tracy, I'd help you clear the dishes, but I'm just too lazy!"

So then Tracy, totally out of the blue, replied, "If you want to see lazy, check out Jean after she gets back from lunch. That's when all those doughnuts and vending-machine snacks start to kick in."

Well, your old pal Jean is big enough to take a joke, but this one seemed a bit too close to the bone. So, I turned to Tracy and said, "That's not true, Tracy. Everybody gets a little run-down and less productive after lunch. Why single me out?"

"Because I can't understand why SouthCentral continues to put up with you, Jean," Tracy said. "You're easily the worst worker in the entire Data Entry department. I'm constantly finding errors in your work, and your evaluations are always poor. And if you think no one notices you punching in 20 minutes before you actually start work or cleaning the coffee machine as an excuse to get away from your desk, think again. You think just because Doris is gone, you can pull all kinds of garbage. If I had any control over it, I'd axe you in a second, but only Doris can do that. But believe me, when she gets back, she'll hear plenty."

I couldn't believe my ears! I had no idea Tracy felt that way about me! The room was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Then Sharon finally said something about how we shouldn't talk shop, and everyone laughed and tried to resume their conversations. Everyone, that is, except me. I was on the verge of bawling! Patti and I left the party a few minutes later.

Patti told me not to worry about what Tracy said because she was really drunk. Besides, Patti said, my true calling is writing, not punching numbers into a computer all day.

I appreciated Patti's words, but inside I was fuming! Just because Tracy was interim supervisor didn't mean she could act all Miss Control Freak! And, technically, I am still a temp, so Tracy isn't even my boss! To think I stayed up half the night baking my legendary Simply Sinful Chocolate Mint Turtle Creme Torte so that I could be subjected to that kind of abuse! (Seems like the "life of the party" became a "party pooper!")

I was sort of afraid to go into work that next morning, but, fortunately, Tracy wasn't there. According to Sharon, shortly after I left Sunday, Tracy locked herself in her bathroom and didn't come out for hours. People could hear her crying and cursing her ex-boyfriend and throwing up. Sharon eventually intervened and sat up with her almost the whole night. The next morning, Tracy called in sick with a killer hangover. Apparently, she remembers nothing of her outburst, and we all decided never to bring it up again.

In spite of my experience, I still recommend that all you football widows out there unite and declare your own Football-Free Zones. (Only lock away those wine coolers!)

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close