adBlockCheck

Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Just This Once, Let's Stay Up All Night And Do A Bunch Of Coke

Hey guys, listen up for a second. I know this might sound a little crazy, but hear me out. We've all been working really hard lately on the trading floor, and I'm sure everybody wants to go home and turn in early tonight. But why don't we try mixing things up? What say we, just this once, get our hands on some cocaine and stay up all night partying at bars and strip clubs?

Look, I know we all have girlfriends or wives that we love and respect very much, and they might worry if we don't come home for hours. But this isn't about them, it's about us. Isn't it time we put ourselves first for a change?

Let me just throw this out there: What if we withdrew a small portion of the cash we have socked away in money-market accounts and spent it on strippers? Dave earned $20,000 in commissions this week alone. What's the point of making all this money if we can't waste some of it on frivolous nonsense sometimes?

For instance, and I'm just speaking hypothetically here, we could put some of those dollars we earned from the Kraft split in a beautiful woman's undergarments, shout and make homoerotic comments, slap the cocktail waitress's ass, and leave her a $1,000 tip.

I know it sounds like a far-fetched plan, but if we all committed to the idea, I bet we could make it happen.

In fact, I'm pretty sure there are some nightclubs nearby that will charge us eight dollars for a bottle of Budweiser, which we could use to chase shots of Jack Daniels. Then we can make lewd comments at women until one or more of them agrees to have sex with one or more of us.

We could even rent a hotel penthouse suite where we could watch each other have sex with the women, plus have a private place to do more cocaine after all the bars and clubs have closed.

I know you guys are a little skeptical, but you have to trust me here. If, at any point in the night, you guys weren't having fun, we could always do more cocaine. And if that didn't work, then you guys could bail at any time.

Now the cocaine, which I hear gives the user a very euphoric rush, might be a little overwhelming at first. But admit it, don't many of us here in the office sort of enjoy high- pressure, adrenaline-filled situations? Perhaps the fact that cocaine is extremely illegal will make the high even more intense. We might find living on the edge rather enjoyable.

Considering how many hours per week we work and the salaries we earn, we might even feel justified acting like this, as if it was somehow our right.

You know, if it seems unbelievable that guys like us could pull off an evening like this, we could simplify matters. I've heard of services that provide dates for the night—you have to pay, but the advantage is you don't have to go to them, they come to you. And I bet some of those girls would enjoy doing cocaine with us. OK, OK, I'm getting ahead of myself here, I guess. Let's just stick to cocaine, pricey bar, and picking up women.

Bruce asked a good question about how we'd acquire the cocaine. Yes, getting our hands on an illegal substance poses a sizable hurdle. But I heard that some guys on the floor know a guy who gets his cocaine from an actual drug dealer. I could contact Stan on his BlackBerry, and he could probably call this guy and hook us up. Only we'd probably have to invite Stan along, too, if that's OK.

I think it might be fun. Really, really fun, actually. The sort of fun we could spend the next day at work talking about, even as we conduct multi-million dollar transactions. And we don't have to do it ever again. I'm certainly not suggesting we make a habit of this. That could lead to a seriously unhealthy lifestyle.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close