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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Well, there is the fact that Titanic, my new all-time favorite movie, came out on video two weeks ago. If you haven't seen it, you've been seriously missing out. In fact, if there were such a thing as the Jeanie Awards, it would grab top honors!

Boy, if I were a little younger, I think I'd be one of those girls who stalks Leonardo DiCaprio--he's soooo gorgeous! He already qualifies for a Lifetime Achievement Jeanie. (He's in good company, too, with past recipients including Patrick Swayze, Oprah Winfrey and Fabio.) It's nice to see that Leo's finally getting to show off his talents in better movies: The other night, I saw this weird movie on TV in which he played a mentally retarded person, and when the movie was finished, I was like, "Can anyone explain that to me?"

Leo aside, though, Titanic is just about the most moving thing I have ever seen. (And doubly so if you consider that the movie is based on true-life fact!) Titanic has even Ice Castles beat hands down, and I never thought anything would top Ice Castles! So you can believe that when the local Blockbuster was taking advance orders for Titanic, I was there with my credit card pronto!

Had I known that Wal-Mart and other stores would be flooded with discounted copies right after the release, I would have waited, but why should I dwell on losing a few bucks? After all, as Jean's Proverb #31 says, "What's wrong with a little indulgence now and then?" I think if some people gave themselves little rewards occasionally, they wouldn't be such poor sports with no sense of humor.

For years, I've been keeping a diary, and whenever a thought about life and stuff has entered my head, I've written it down. (I got the idea from seeing a Murphy's Law poster.) I call my little maxims "Jean's Proverbs." I never, ever thought I'd tell them to anybody, because I wrote them in my private journal and was afraid people might laugh at me. But recently, I decided it was silly to keep them to myself. People might actually benefit from my little sayings, whether they just brightened their day a little or actually inspired them to do a good deed!

So I hope my proverbs touch your hearts a little, make you think, or even give you a chuckle or two. Here are some of my best ones:

"A dream that is not dreamt is a dream that will never come true."

"The world is not made of chocolate... but a gal can dream, can't she?"

"Honestly, men!"

"They say Pegasuses don't exist, but don't be surprised if you look up and see one soaring in the sky."

(That one may seem too symbolic to understand, but what it means is, don't necessarily believe what cynical people say, because they are often wrong. Hint, hint, hubby Rick!)

"If everyone was a self-defeating crab, there would be no Sam Butcher, creator of Precious Moments."

(I wrote that one after seeing the beautiful Precious Moments Chapel in Carthage, MO, two years ago.)

"Trust your instincts."

"If ants invade your picnic, offer them some potato salad."

"I may be 40, but my mind is still tarp as a shack!"

(Okay, okay, I didn't write that one. I saw it on a mug at a Hallmark store, and I thought it was just hilarious!)

"If you're feeling bad about growing older, consider the alternative!"

"Don't believe it when the tag says, 'One size fits all'!"

"If I only had a brain... and a 23-inch waist!"

"A person who puts you down is a person who is insecure and unhappy inside."

"If God didn't want overweight people to exist, He wouldn't have created Chunky Monkey ice cream!"

And, finally, my favorite one of all:

"Even a gloomy day can be a lot brighter if you remember one little thing: Keep smiling!"

Now that I've finally opened up and shared some of my most private thoughts with you, I'm thinking Jean's Proverbs could be published someday, maybe in one of those adorable miniature books you see at the cash register at Waldenbooks! Then, for a sequel, I could do a book written entirely from my kitties' point-of-view! I smell a best-seller!

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