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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

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PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Keep Smiling!

You know, being a columnist can be tough sometimes. After all, I think I've just about exhausted every last topic worth discussing. Beanie Babies, chocolate, karaoke, cats--you name it, I've talked about it! What more is there?

Well, there is the fact that Titanic, my new all-time favorite movie, came out on video two weeks ago. If you haven't seen it, you've been seriously missing out. In fact, if there were such a thing as the Jeanie Awards, it would grab top honors!

Boy, if I were a little younger, I think I'd be one of those girls who stalks Leonardo DiCaprio--he's soooo gorgeous! He already qualifies for a Lifetime Achievement Jeanie. (He's in good company, too, with past recipients including Patrick Swayze, Oprah Winfrey and Fabio.) It's nice to see that Leo's finally getting to show off his talents in better movies: The other night, I saw this weird movie on TV in which he played a mentally retarded person, and when the movie was finished, I was like, "Can anyone explain that to me?"

Leo aside, though, Titanic is just about the most moving thing I have ever seen. (And doubly so if you consider that the movie is based on true-life fact!) Titanic has even Ice Castles beat hands down, and I never thought anything would top Ice Castles! So you can believe that when the local Blockbuster was taking advance orders for Titanic, I was there with my credit card pronto!

Had I known that Wal-Mart and other stores would be flooded with discounted copies right after the release, I would have waited, but why should I dwell on losing a few bucks? After all, as Jean's Proverb #31 says, "What's wrong with a little indulgence now and then?" I think if some people gave themselves little rewards occasionally, they wouldn't be such poor sports with no sense of humor.

For years, I've been keeping a diary, and whenever a thought about life and stuff has entered my head, I've written it down. (I got the idea from seeing a Murphy's Law poster.) I call my little maxims "Jean's Proverbs." I never, ever thought I'd tell them to anybody, because I wrote them in my private journal and was afraid people might laugh at me. But recently, I decided it was silly to keep them to myself. People might actually benefit from my little sayings, whether they just brightened their day a little or actually inspired them to do a good deed!

So I hope my proverbs touch your hearts a little, make you think, or even give you a chuckle or two. Here are some of my best ones:

"A dream that is not dreamt is a dream that will never come true."

"The world is not made of chocolate... but a gal can dream, can't she?"

"Honestly, men!"

"They say Pegasuses don't exist, but don't be surprised if you look up and see one soaring in the sky."

(That one may seem too symbolic to understand, but what it means is, don't necessarily believe what cynical people say, because they are often wrong. Hint, hint, hubby Rick!)

"If everyone was a self-defeating crab, there would be no Sam Butcher, creator of Precious Moments."

(I wrote that one after seeing the beautiful Precious Moments Chapel in Carthage, MO, two years ago.)

"Trust your instincts."

"If ants invade your picnic, offer them some potato salad."

"I may be 40, but my mind is still tarp as a shack!"

(Okay, okay, I didn't write that one. I saw it on a mug at a Hallmark store, and I thought it was just hilarious!)

"If you're feeling bad about growing older, consider the alternative!"

"Don't believe it when the tag says, 'One size fits all'!"

"If I only had a brain... and a 23-inch waist!"

"A person who puts you down is a person who is insecure and unhappy inside."

"If God didn't want overweight people to exist, He wouldn't have created Chunky Monkey ice cream!"

And, finally, my favorite one of all:

"Even a gloomy day can be a lot brighter if you remember one little thing: Keep smiling!"

Now that I've finally opened up and shared some of my most private thoughts with you, I'm thinking Jean's Proverbs could be published someday, maybe in one of those adorable miniature books you see at the cash register at Waldenbooks! Then, for a sequel, I could do a book written entirely from my kitties' point-of-view! I smell a best-seller!

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