Kids, Come Look At This Dreadlock From My College Days

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
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Kids, Come Look At This Dreadlock From My College Days

Hey, kids, look what I found! It was in an old trunk up in the attic, tucked away in a Ziploc bag under my Jane's Addiction T-shirt. Can you guess what it is? No, it's not a rancid old cigar. You're not even close. I'll give you a hint: It used to be growing out of my head. Give up? It's one of my old dreadlocks!

Bet you didn't know your old man used to be so cool, huh?

I don't mind if you touch it, but be careful. It's pretty brittle after all this time, especially since it hasn't been kept moisturized with fragrant oils like in its heyday. Go on, son. Touch it. Feel the weight of it in your hands. Gentle now!

Just smelling that mix of lemongrass oil and body odor takes me back. Boy, I must have cut this baby off 15 years ago at least. I sure had some times with this thing. We got crazy, me and this dreadlock. I was in college on the five-year plan, if you know what I mean. I studied hard, but I partied harder.

One time, during finals, I partied all night with your uncle Steve, dreadlocks and all, and we woke up the next morning in another town. I don't know how fast I was going in order to get back in time for my Econ 360 final, but I know I was still a little drunk and shouldn't have been driving!

Just to make sure we're straight, though, don't drink and drive. And I'm only paying for four years of college, so any longer than that and you're on your own.

Man, it's a lot smaller than I remembered. Of course, everything is bigger when you're young. You know, when I started this dreadlock, and all my other dreadlocks, I thought everyone in the world was looking at me and talking about the guy with dreadlocks. People were definitely a little freaked out at first, but that eventually wore off and then they were cool with it. You have to remember, dreadlocks were pretty radical back in 1991.

Let me hold it up to the light. Yeah, now you can really see the faded blue tint in there. I dyed a couple of my dreadlocks blue when I was in a band called Powerwasher. We did some wild stuff, I'm not going to lie, but it was always about the music. We were like a power pop trio, but noisier. If I had to describe it, I'd say we sounded like Cheap Trick meets Nirvana in a basement, and with dreadlocks.

Our local music scene was about to break, and we were right on the edge of it. We almost got signed. That's what they called it when a record label—a company that puts out music on a compact disc—agreed to support your band and release your album. If we got signed, this dreadlock and I would have toured the world together. I don't know what happened, though. I guess we all got a little older and wiser.

Don't turn away. This isn't just a 13-inch clump of matted hair. It's a piece of history.

I met your mother in this dreadlock. We lived in the same building for almost a year, but we never talked to each other. Then one night I heard a knock on the door, and we all got totally freaked out because we'd just taken a bunch of mushrooms. So we hid the bag under the couch cushion, which was a rookie move, but I was tripping balls and I thought it was the cops. Turned out it was just your mom. She was out of toilet paper and wanted to know if she could borrow a roll. Instead of going back to her place, she just hung out in that apartment with me for three days, playing with my dreadlocks.

She said that's what attracted her to me in the first place.

So here we are, 18 years later, and I don't have any regrets. Sure, I cut my dreadlocks off and got a "real" job after I graduated, but I still have a dreadlock inside my head that I'll never cut off. And each one of you kids is like a dreadlock to me. And you know what? Somewhere around here, I've got some other dreadlocks for you when you get married.

Now let's go to Chili's.

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