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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Kitty!

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty. Ayeee—don't scratch, kitty. Lemme hold the nice kitty in my arms. Ouch! Bad kitty! Naughty kitty to scratch like that. Don't make me spank you! Ouch! Bad kitty!

I see you under the couch, kitty! I can feel you. I got you, kitty! I got you! Don't be scared, kitty. Don't make the scaredy noise. Don't cry, kitty! I love you, kitty—oww! Don't run away!

Where is kitty? Here, kitty, kitty! There's kitty! Kitty's way up high! I can see you, kitty! I see your little kitty tail and your little kitty head. You shouldn't be up on that shelf! Come down, kitty. No, don't make the hissy noise at me, kitty! Come down off the high shelf. Mommy won't like you on the big shelf. Mommy told me to say come down, kitty. Come down right this instance! Kitty Kudwinski, get down, quick like a bunny! Aww, come on, kitty, come down.

You better come down off of the shelf, or I'm gonna shake it. I'm gonna shake the shelf, kitty! Kitty, do you hear me? I mean it! I'm gonna shake! Ten, nine, eight, one! I'm making shake-shake!

Oh, no! Look what kitty did. Look what bad kitty did! Bad kitty knocked over the shelf to the ground. Bad, bad kitty! Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty! Where's kitty? Kitty's under the big plant! Here's kitty! Don't worry, kitty, I got you. Your head looks all squished and funny, kitty. Are you sleeping, kitty? I'll hold you while you take a nap, kitty. Good kitty!

Close your eyes when you sleep, kitty. Don't you know how to close your eyes? Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top. I love you, kitty! I'll pet you, kitty. Nice soft kitty! I'll hug you, kitty. Do you love me? Kitty? Wake up, kitty. Open your eyes. There! Kitty woke up! Do you love me, kitty? Say yes, kitty. I'll help you move your head up and down. Move kitty's nice, soft head! Move kitty's mushy head! Look, kitty is saying yes! Kitty loves me.

Gimme a kiss, kitty. I'll give you a kiss, and then you give me a kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kitty has sticky kisses. Yucky! Don't get your red lipstick on me, kitty! Messy kitty. Now, wave hello, kitty! Can't you hold your paw up, kitty? Don't make floppy arms, kitty. You're happy to see me, aren't you, kitty? Aren't you, kitty? I'll help you wag your tail. Wag, wag, wag!

It's time to play now, kitty. Time to play, kitty. Why won't you wake up, kitty? Mommy, kitty won't wake up!