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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Kitty!

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty. Ayeee—don't scratch, kitty. Lemme hold the nice kitty in my arms. Ouch! Bad kitty! Naughty kitty to scratch like that. Don't make me spank you! Ouch! Bad kitty!

I see you under the couch, kitty! I can feel you. I got you, kitty! I got you! Don't be scared, kitty. Don't make the scaredy noise. Don't cry, kitty! I love you, kitty—oww! Don't run away!

Where is kitty? Here, kitty, kitty! There's kitty! Kitty's way up high! I can see you, kitty! I see your little kitty tail and your little kitty head. You shouldn't be up on that shelf! Come down, kitty. No, don't make the hissy noise at me, kitty! Come down off the high shelf. Mommy won't like you on the big shelf. Mommy told me to say come down, kitty. Come down right this instance! Kitty Kudwinski, get down, quick like a bunny! Aww, come on, kitty, come down.

You better come down off of the shelf, or I'm gonna shake it. I'm gonna shake the shelf, kitty! Kitty, do you hear me? I mean it! I'm gonna shake! Ten, nine, eight, one! I'm making shake-shake!

Oh, no! Look what kitty did. Look what bad kitty did! Bad kitty knocked over the shelf to the ground. Bad, bad kitty! Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty! Where's kitty? Kitty's under the big plant! Here's kitty! Don't worry, kitty, I got you. Your head looks all squished and funny, kitty. Are you sleeping, kitty? I'll hold you while you take a nap, kitty. Good kitty!

Close your eyes when you sleep, kitty. Don't you know how to close your eyes? Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top. I love you, kitty! I'll pet you, kitty. Nice soft kitty! I'll hug you, kitty. Do you love me? Kitty? Wake up, kitty. Open your eyes. There! Kitty woke up! Do you love me, kitty? Say yes, kitty. I'll help you move your head up and down. Move kitty's nice, soft head! Move kitty's mushy head! Look, kitty is saying yes! Kitty loves me.

Gimme a kiss, kitty. I'll give you a kiss, and then you give me a kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kitty has sticky kisses. Yucky! Don't get your red lipstick on me, kitty! Messy kitty. Now, wave hello, kitty! Can't you hold your paw up, kitty? Don't make floppy arms, kitty. You're happy to see me, aren't you, kitty? Aren't you, kitty? I'll help you wag your tail. Wag, wag, wag!

It's time to play now, kitty. Time to play, kitty. Why won't you wake up, kitty? Mommy, kitty won't wake up!

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