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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Kitty!

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty. Ayeee—don't scratch, kitty. Lemme hold the nice kitty in my arms. Ouch! Bad kitty! Naughty kitty to scratch like that. Don't make me spank you! Ouch! Bad kitty!

I see you under the couch, kitty! I can feel you. I got you, kitty! I got you! Don't be scared, kitty. Don't make the scaredy noise. Don't cry, kitty! I love you, kitty—oww! Don't run away!

Where is kitty? Here, kitty, kitty! There's kitty! Kitty's way up high! I can see you, kitty! I see your little kitty tail and your little kitty head. You shouldn't be up on that shelf! Come down, kitty. No, don't make the hissy noise at me, kitty! Come down off the high shelf. Mommy won't like you on the big shelf. Mommy told me to say come down, kitty. Come down right this instance! Kitty Kudwinski, get down, quick like a bunny! Aww, come on, kitty, come down.

You better come down off of the shelf, or I'm gonna shake it. I'm gonna shake the shelf, kitty! Kitty, do you hear me? I mean it! I'm gonna shake! Ten, nine, eight, one! I'm making shake-shake!

Oh, no! Look what kitty did. Look what bad kitty did! Bad kitty knocked over the shelf to the ground. Bad, bad kitty! Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty! Where's kitty? Kitty's under the big plant! Here's kitty! Don't worry, kitty, I got you. Your head looks all squished and funny, kitty. Are you sleeping, kitty? I'll hold you while you take a nap, kitty. Good kitty!

Close your eyes when you sleep, kitty. Don't you know how to close your eyes? Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top. I love you, kitty! I'll pet you, kitty. Nice soft kitty! I'll hug you, kitty. Do you love me? Kitty? Wake up, kitty. Open your eyes. There! Kitty woke up! Do you love me, kitty? Say yes, kitty. I'll help you move your head up and down. Move kitty's nice, soft head! Move kitty's mushy head! Look, kitty is saying yes! Kitty loves me.

Gimme a kiss, kitty. I'll give you a kiss, and then you give me a kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kitty has sticky kisses. Yucky! Don't get your red lipstick on me, kitty! Messy kitty. Now, wave hello, kitty! Can't you hold your paw up, kitty? Don't make floppy arms, kitty. You're happy to see me, aren't you, kitty? Aren't you, kitty? I'll help you wag your tail. Wag, wag, wag!

It's time to play now, kitty. Time to play, kitty. Why won't you wake up, kitty? Mommy, kitty won't wake up!

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