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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Kitty!

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty. Ayeee—don't scratch, kitty. Lemme hold the nice kitty in my arms. Ouch! Bad kitty! Naughty kitty to scratch like that. Don't make me spank you! Ouch! Bad kitty!

I see you under the couch, kitty! I can feel you. I got you, kitty! I got you! Don't be scared, kitty. Don't make the scaredy noise. Don't cry, kitty! I love you, kitty—oww! Don't run away!

Where is kitty? Here, kitty, kitty! There's kitty! Kitty's way up high! I can see you, kitty! I see your little kitty tail and your little kitty head. You shouldn't be up on that shelf! Come down, kitty. No, don't make the hissy noise at me, kitty! Come down off the high shelf. Mommy won't like you on the big shelf. Mommy told me to say come down, kitty. Come down right this instance! Kitty Kudwinski, get down, quick like a bunny! Aww, come on, kitty, come down.

You better come down off of the shelf, or I'm gonna shake it. I'm gonna shake the shelf, kitty! Kitty, do you hear me? I mean it! I'm gonna shake! Ten, nine, eight, one! I'm making shake-shake!

Oh, no! Look what kitty did. Look what bad kitty did! Bad kitty knocked over the shelf to the ground. Bad, bad kitty! Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty! Where's kitty? Kitty's under the big plant! Here's kitty! Don't worry, kitty, I got you. Your head looks all squished and funny, kitty. Are you sleeping, kitty? I'll hold you while you take a nap, kitty. Good kitty!

Close your eyes when you sleep, kitty. Don't you know how to close your eyes? Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top. I love you, kitty! I'll pet you, kitty. Nice soft kitty! I'll hug you, kitty. Do you love me? Kitty? Wake up, kitty. Open your eyes. There! Kitty woke up! Do you love me, kitty? Say yes, kitty. I'll help you move your head up and down. Move kitty's nice, soft head! Move kitty's mushy head! Look, kitty is saying yes! Kitty loves me.

Gimme a kiss, kitty. I'll give you a kiss, and then you give me a kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kitty has sticky kisses. Yucky! Don't get your red lipstick on me, kitty! Messy kitty. Now, wave hello, kitty! Can't you hold your paw up, kitty? Don't make floppy arms, kitty. You're happy to see me, aren't you, kitty? Aren't you, kitty? I'll help you wag your tail. Wag, wag, wag!

It's time to play now, kitty. Time to play, kitty. Why won't you wake up, kitty? Mommy, kitty won't wake up!

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