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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Kitty!

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty. Ayeee—don't scratch, kitty. Lemme hold the nice kitty in my arms. Ouch! Bad kitty! Naughty kitty to scratch like that. Don't make me spank you! Ouch! Bad kitty!

I see you under the couch, kitty! I can feel you. I got you, kitty! I got you! Don't be scared, kitty. Don't make the scaredy noise. Don't cry, kitty! I love you, kitty—oww! Don't run away!

Where is kitty? Here, kitty, kitty! There's kitty! Kitty's way up high! I can see you, kitty! I see your little kitty tail and your little kitty head. You shouldn't be up on that shelf! Come down, kitty. No, don't make the hissy noise at me, kitty! Come down off the high shelf. Mommy won't like you on the big shelf. Mommy told me to say come down, kitty. Come down right this instance! Kitty Kudwinski, get down, quick like a bunny! Aww, come on, kitty, come down.

You better come down off of the shelf, or I'm gonna shake it. I'm gonna shake the shelf, kitty! Kitty, do you hear me? I mean it! I'm gonna shake! Ten, nine, eight, one! I'm making shake-shake!

Oh, no! Look what kitty did. Look what bad kitty did! Bad kitty knocked over the shelf to the ground. Bad, bad kitty! Where are you, kitty? Here, kitty! Where's kitty? Kitty's under the big plant! Here's kitty! Don't worry, kitty, I got you. Your head looks all squished and funny, kitty. Are you sleeping, kitty? I'll hold you while you take a nap, kitty. Good kitty!

Close your eyes when you sleep, kitty. Don't you know how to close your eyes? Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top. I love you, kitty! I'll pet you, kitty. Nice soft kitty! I'll hug you, kitty. Do you love me? Kitty? Wake up, kitty. Open your eyes. There! Kitty woke up! Do you love me, kitty? Say yes, kitty. I'll help you move your head up and down. Move kitty's nice, soft head! Move kitty's mushy head! Look, kitty is saying yes! Kitty loves me.

Gimme a kiss, kitty. I'll give you a kiss, and then you give me a kiss. Kiss, kiss. Kitty has sticky kisses. Yucky! Don't get your red lipstick on me, kitty! Messy kitty. Now, wave hello, kitty! Can't you hold your paw up, kitty? Don't make floppy arms, kitty. You're happy to see me, aren't you, kitty? Aren't you, kitty? I'll help you wag your tail. Wag, wag, wag!

It's time to play now, kitty. Time to play, kitty. Why won't you wake up, kitty? Mommy, kitty won't wake up!

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