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Know Any Good State Secrets?

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Know Any Good State Secrets?

Hello, friends! What's new? Last night I watched the ball game and had a few drinks at a local bar. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me. Boy, what a day today, though—so slow! Might be nice to chat for a while, as friends, and just casually share some gossip, right? After all, I've been living here with you, blending in for, what, three years now? I'd say we've gained each other's trust. So, buddy, got anything on your mind? Any juicy, top-secret information you're dying to tell me?

I'm a really good listener.

You can share anything you want and I promise I won't tell another soul. I swear. It can be any kind of secret, but, honestly, the bigger the secret, the better I am at not revealing it to rival foreign parties who can use it to their own advantage! Sometimes, there's just something you need to get off your chest, be it a secret crush, an embarrassing moment, launch codes, or even your favorite guilty pleasure. It gets tough carrying all that confidential info around, so why not put it out there and let your good pal Dave from rural Idaho help handle the load? You'll feel so much relief once you air out those schematics to the Navy's new line of submarines.

I know I shouldn't gossip. It's terrible! But on days like this, it seems like trading state secrets is the only thing that can break up the monotony and reveal a potential breach in America's national defense, you know?

Come on. I know you've got some delicious tidbit about which coworkers are secretly dating, which ones are undercover operatives, and what their names, ranks, mission protocols, and current locations are! Just write it on a slip of paper or encrypted disk, place it in a watertight titanium tube, and drop it into the fish tank at the Peking Palace Restaurant in Hobart, Indiana.

It'll just be between you, me, the appropriate ministry, and the walls.

Look, if you're worried I'll judge you, don't be. I'm just a regular guy, and you'd be surprised how sympathetic I can be if the information you're offering is damning enough to the integrity of the CIA's clandestine overseas operations. Maybe you're having relationship troubles. I hear you. Sometimes the stress of holding all those top-secret oil pipeline plans for Uzbekistan deep inside can be overwhelming. Lay it on me. Or if you'd prefer to vent about someone else, that's okay, too! Tell me all about that high-level Pentagon official with socialist sympathies you just can't stand.

You know, if you're shy about this kind of thing, you don't even have to tell me. How about I try to guess what your state secret is, and you just tell me if I've got it? Then, it's like you didn't say anything at all. Is it cruise missile coordinates? Tax records? Information on weapon sales to Taiwan? Methods for undermining the security of military communications?

Am I getting warm?

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Two friends as close as we are shouldn't keep these kinds of state secrets from each other. But if it makes you feel more comfortable, I can tell you one of mine first. Okay, here goes: I am incredibly reliable. Phew! What a relief. I don't know why I kept that to myself for so long instead of telling it to one of my fellow Americans. Now your turn. Tell me your deepest, darkest U.S. port vulnerability.

Don't let these compromising details in matters of national defense eat you up inside. Listen to your trustworthy pal, Dave, and send them to statesecrets@yuwanmei.com. You know you want to. 鱼

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