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Ladies, This Is As Handsome As I'm Going To Get

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Ladies, This Is As Handsome As I'm Going To Get

Women between the ages of, say, 19 and 40, if I can have your attention for a brief moment, I would like to present something to you: me! I just got this new shirt back from the cleaners, I showered and shaved, and I'm sporting a nice new haircut. They even put some gel in it. I got plenty of sleep last night and the light in here at this moment is just right. This is me in my prime. I'm looking sharp and feeling fine. Be warned, though, it's all going to be downhill from here on out. So who among you is going to be the one to take a crack at this?

Before you reject me out of habit, stop and think for just a minute. I know there's better out there. I'm no gold-medal guy, but there's definitely worse. I'm not fat, yet, and I'm not bald, though it definitely runs in my family. I have a tan from doing some yard work at my mom's house back in Minnesota that will probably result in melanoma when I'm older. It's as much of the whole package as you're ever gonna get with me. Here it is. The dinner bell's ringing, and it ain't getting any hotter, so come and get it!

Feel this. That's distinct definition in my biceps. I joined a gym in March. I've been working out two or three times a week, but I know that it isn't going to last. Maybe six months more before I decide that I would rather sleep in instead. And before you know it, this definition will melt away like butter in the sun. Sure, I won't get fat for a few years. But it's coming, so I suggest you jump on the Jeff Macon train while it's still in the semi-attractive station.

If you want me to meet your parents and friends, it had better be soon—in fact, this weekend would be best. I'm in a good mood overall. I am presentable and my resolve has not yet been eroded by years of bitterness and regret. I am still optimistic about getting involved in a long-term relationship, even though in five years the sex will slow to a trickle and I'll be riddled with doubts about whether I jumped into this too soon. The wedding pictures will look great, though, I promise.

If you're worried about stability, don't be. I just got a new job last week. It's entry-level at a software company, but I still have some hopes and dreams about pursuing my music. I might even start a band. That's right now. Realistically, that band will just wind up being me and some friends getting together to drink. In 15 years, the "band" will be a memory. I'll be mired in middle management at the same job, and won't be able to see farther down the road than the six-pack I'll drink when I get home at night. So, seriously, you'd better strike while the iron's hot.

If you want to check out my house to get some insight into my personality, you should come over right away. I spent the afternoon throwing out a bunch of old magazines and straightening up the place. I took my action figures and put them in a box, where they'll stay until I start to feel nostalgic for my childhood again. I vacuumed, too. That was such a pain that I don't see myself doing it again for a long time. Hang on—I just need to put my Skeletor back on the mantle.

While the expiration date on Jeff Macon is still a few years down the road, my optimal shelf-life is going to expire in two days. In fact, even since I began writing this, my personal appearance has gotten imperceptibly though irreversibly worse. The longer you wait, the further advanced my decline will be. Ladies, the clock is ticking. My teeth won't be my own forever.

So. Who's first?

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