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Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you checking out our bullshit section over here. Now, most of the people that come in here don't know what they're looking for, but I see you and I say to myself, this guy, this is the kind of guy I can manipulate until he purchases something he doesn't need. So, tell me, what can I do to send you home with some of our bullshit?

Now what you're looking at there, that's a pretty decent bit of bullshit. But if you're really looking to take it to the next level, I've got a line of bullshit that is going to knock your socks off. That crap? That's for idiots. But you, on the other hand, I can clearly tell, are a complete fucking moron. You want a perfunctory compliment and a meaningless question? Nice tie. Where'd you get it?

Let me establish a superficial intimacy here by asking you your first name. It's Bob? Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here, Bob—you look like the kind of guy who appreciates quality bullshit. I have an eye for these things. I can see you're a nice guy, but dumb as hell, so I'm going to go ahead and take you for all you've got.

Can I put my arm around you and be disingenuous with you for a second? I like you, so I'm going to help you out. Walk with me. I'm going to show you the real bullshit.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This guy must really think he's talking to a dummy here." And that's true. But I want you to know that it's simpletons like you who make this the greatest job in the world.

Bob, we're both adults here, so let me talk down to you like a child. Take a look at this shelf. Your first instinct is that you probably want this bullshit, don't you? No, you don't. Sure, this bullshit does everything you need, but it's a little less than you're going to want to spend. Over here, now, this is more along your lines. A little pricier, but with fewer features and longer, more convoluted explanations of what they do.

Hold on to your pants, though, 'cause this is our newest line of bullshit. It's not your run-of-the-mill standard bullshit—we're talking primo stuff. State of the art, bullshit-wise. Just got this in from France. You believe that, right? This is the best bullshit you can get. You got a family? You got kids? They're going to love this bullshit. Trust me, Bob, you've never seen bullshit like this before.

Sure, you could go across the street and buy the same bullshit for half the price, but I guarantee you—I guarantee you!—they won't treat you like half the dipshit I will.

Whoa, whoa, I feel like I'm losing you. Okay, hold on. Let me sweeten the deal. You buy this bullshit right now, and I'll throw in some of that useless crap over there. I can't do much more than that. I'm practically robbing you. Level with me: What do I have to do to convince you that you're getting a deal here? Should I speak faster or just louder?

Listen, Bob, I've really come to like you. I don't want to BS you, so let me just flat-out lie. This bullshit is guaranteed to make your life more satisfying. What else do you want to hear? You'll earn more money, be more attractive to women, people will respect you? Sure. Guaranteed. Done deal.

If you have any doubts left at all, get ready to have them blown out of the water, because this bullshit is satisfaction guaranteed. For a meager $100 extra, I'll throw in an eco-friendly paperless two-year bullshit warranty that won't do shit and that you'll never need.

You like that? All right—I knew that'd put you over the top. Now, let's head on over to the cash register and see if we can accidentally swipe your card more than once, huh?

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