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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Let Me Show You Our New Line Of Bullshit

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help but notice you checking out our bullshit section over here. Now, most of the people that come in here don't know what they're looking for, but I see you and I say to myself, this guy, this is the kind of guy I can manipulate until he purchases something he doesn't need. So, tell me, what can I do to send you home with some of our bullshit?

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Bob, we're both adults here, so let me talk down to you like a child. Take a look at this shelf. Your first instinct is that you probably want this bullshit, don't you? No, you don't. Sure, this bullshit does everything you need, but it's a little less than you're going to want to spend. Over here, now, this is more along your lines. A little pricier, but with fewer features and longer, more convoluted explanations of what they do.

Hold on to your pants, though, 'cause this is our newest line of bullshit. It's not your run-of-the-mill standard bullshit—we're talking primo stuff. State of the art, bullshit-wise. Just got this in from France. You believe that, right? This is the best bullshit you can get. You got a family? You got kids? They're going to love this bullshit. Trust me, Bob, you've never seen bullshit like this before.

Sure, you could go across the street and buy the same bullshit for half the price, but I guarantee you—I guarantee you!—they won't treat you like half the dipshit I will.

Whoa, whoa, I feel like I'm losing you. Okay, hold on. Let me sweeten the deal. You buy this bullshit right now, and I'll throw in some of that useless crap over there. I can't do much more than that. I'm practically robbing you. Level with me: What do I have to do to convince you that you're getting a deal here? Should I speak faster or just louder?

Listen, Bob, I've really come to like you. I don't want to BS you, so let me just flat-out lie. This bullshit is guaranteed to make your life more satisfying. What else do you want to hear? You'll earn more money, be more attractive to women, people will respect you? Sure. Guaranteed. Done deal.

If you have any doubts left at all, get ready to have them blown out of the water, because this bullshit is satisfaction guaranteed. For a meager $100 extra, I'll throw in an eco-friendly paperless two-year bullshit warranty that won't do shit and that you'll never need.

You like that? All right—I knew that'd put you over the top. Now, let's head on over to the cash register and see if we can accidentally swipe your card more than once, huh?

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