Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 22

Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sitting on a barstool at the Stone Werks Tavern, Barry Todd, 39, made a general inquiry regarding the status of the ladies Monday. "So, what's the deal with the ladies tonight?" asked Todd, speaking to no one in particular. "Are they alone, or are they here with somebody? I hope they're not all uptight and stuck-up." After receiving no definitive answer, Todd spent the remainder of the evening flipping through the CDs on the jukebox and nursing his warm Michelob Light.

Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience

LINCOLN, NE—During Tuesday's live broadcast of Mornings With Connie & Bill, Channel 8 cameraman Tom Benes managed to find Yolanda Davis, the only African-American in an otherwise all-Caucasian studio audience. "Connie [Dell] and Bill [Jordan] were chatting about Gladys Knight coming to town, and I just felt it would be nice to get a reaction shot from someone of color," Benes said. "That's the kind of subtle thing that makes the show more enjoyable for viewers at home." Benes kept his camera trained on Davis during the entire discussion of the Knight concert and later got a quick shot of her during a brief mention of Halle Berry.

Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Area resident Andrew Rutherford, 43, took advantage of the 7 p.m. closing of Napoleon's French bakery Monday, taking home what he described as a "ton" of free éclairs. "I swung by to get a donut just as they were closing up shop for the night, and this guy behind the counter asks if I wanted, like, three huge bags of éclairs for nothing," Rutherford said. "So I'm like, 'Hell, yeah!' They were just gonna throw them away, I guess. My roommates were so psyched." Though weighing far less than an actual ton, the éclair bags tipped the scales at nearly nine pounds.

MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients

QUEENS, NY—For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such longtime recipients as Hammer and P.W. Botha in favor of more current wrongdoers. "Osama bin Laden... gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the fuck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba.

Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Caryn Niering, who last week received a Bachelor of Arts degree from Indiana University, earned more in cash and gifts during her graduation party Monday than she can ever hope to amass in her chosen career as a school psychologist. "I got a pretty sweet deal at the party," Niering said. "My uncle Mark gave me a check for $1,000, and my dad bought me a new Volkswagen Jetta." Niering's total haul at the graduation party was $19,600, while her starting salary as a school psychologist will be $17,000 a year.

Exaggerating The WMD Threat

Critics are accusing the Bush Administration of distorting the destructive threat posed by Iraq. Among the U.S. claims under suspicion:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Let Smoove Rock Your Body And World

Have I told you how wonderful you are? When I am with you, I feel like a whole new Smoove. Since you have asked me not to call you at work, I have opted to discuss your fineness through my column.

I know we have known each other for only two weeks, but I already know you are the girl for me. You are the only one I want to laugh with, talk with, and grind on the dance floor with. You are the only one I want to ride.

I am capable of bringing you to a state of freakstasy that no other man could ever bring you to. You can try to find this level of sexual satisfaction with some other man, but know that if you break from Smoove, I cannot guarantee that I will still be single when you realize that only I can satisfy all your senses. Then, you would be living in a cold, cruel, Smoove-less world, and I would not wish that upon you. You are too special to me.

Damn, girl, you need to take the rest of the day off so I can break you off doggy-style in my bathroom.

Ever since we met two weeks ago, I knew you were the one for me. Your style, your booty, and your class are beyond all compare. In a world populated with many fine women, you are without a doubt the most fine. Let Smoove take you out tonight or, if you are busy, tomorrow night to show you how I treat a lady as exceptional as you. Allow me to break it down:

First, I will pick you up from your house in a white limousine and take you to the finest dance club in the entire city. The people at this club will be attractive and the beats will be crazy. We will not be in the club for a minute before we get on the dance floor. Even though the other people will be good dancers, we will be the best. When you bump, I will bump. When you grind, I will grind. We will move together like twins who happen to like to freak.

When you have had your fill of dancing, I will take you by the hand and lead you to the most romantic corner of the entire club and sit you down on one of the plush, red-velvet couches. While you rest, Smoove will go the bar and purchase a drink for you. Before I bring it back to you, I will taste it, demanding finer gin should it fall short of my expectations for you. Also, I will ask for less ice so that your gin and tonic is not diluted.

While you sip your drink, I will stroke your hair and tell you such complimentary things as "You are like a fine statue carved out of brown marble," and "Your eyes are like pools of creamy Italian butter," and "You have beautiful shoes." You will know that I mean these things because they come from the heart, and the heart is always true.

At this point, we will go back to my place, where I will prepare a dinner specially suited for one as lovely as you. While I am cooking the meal, we will talk about your life, your hopes, and your dreams. At this point, I will unthaw a deluxe bag of jumbo shrimp for you to sample as the appetizer.

There will also be cocktail sauce.

Finally, my dinner of lobster, shipped to me that morning in only the coldest of ice from the finest lobster region in all of Maine, will be completed and placed on the table. Along with the lobster will not only be melted butter, but also side dishes. Some of them will be corn, peas, and baked potato. When the meal is over, we will have dessert and coffee.

At this point, you will be so turned on by this night of dancing and lobster that you will be dying to sex me wild. But instead of taking you to my bedroom to knock boots, I will build your desire even more. I will do this by leading you to my living room, where I will light a fire and hand-feed you the finest strawberries available. If you do not enjoy strawberries, I will have other types of berries at my disposal that can be fed to you in a sexy manner. Between bites, I will offer you sips of champagne in a glass made specifically to maximize your champagne-drinking pleasure.

As much as you want to, you will no longer be able to control your desire. Neither will I. This is when I will lead you to my polar-bear-skin rug so we can do it all night long. You will cry for more, and you shall receive it. I will hit it until you can take no more. Then, when you are 100 percent satisfied, I will stop. After that, I will kiss your belly button and tell you how beautiful you are until you fall asleep in my arms.

Damn.

In the morning, I will make you waffles that have chocolate chips embedded in them. There will be coffee waiting for you, and there will also be a cup with cream and two sugars, just the way you like it, cooling on the breakfast bar. If you want toast, I will make it for you and offer you a staggering array of exotic French jams.

Through this display of caring and thoughtfulness, you will see that I am the one for you. We are like two slightly different colored beads on a single ancient necklace. We are so right together, it hurts to even speak your name when you are not around me. Do not doubt my words. Believe me when I say this to you. Smoove's love will rock your world.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More