Let Smoove Take You Away

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Vol 38 Issue 30

Woman Thinks She Would Make A Great Talk-Show Host

CREVE COEUR, MO—Suzanne Bergtraum believes she would make an excellent host of a daytime-TV talk show, the 42-year-old podiatry-office receptionist disclosed Tuesday. "I'm sympathetic and an excellent listener, but I'm also not afraid to set somebody straight with a swift kick in the pants when it's called for," Bergtraum told coworker Alice Lehmann. "Plus, I'm totally high-energy and live to crack people up. Just ask any of my girlfriends." Bergtraum, whose show would be called Suzanne, said she "just [has] a way with people."

29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will

GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit," said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. "I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated." Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.

Lazy FDA Approves X-Ray Vision Pills

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the hot weather and a desire to go home for the day, FDA officials approved American Products Limited's "X-Ray Vision Pills" for commercial sale in the U.S. Monday. "After evaluating this and regulating that for months, we were really dying to cut out early, so we were all just like, 'Fuck it. Let's just approve this,'" FDA deputy commissioner Lester Crawford said. "Besides, nobody could think of a real good reason why X-ray-vision pills would be unsafe."

Two New Burger King Sandwiches Negate Each Other

MIAMI—In a gala ceremony at its Miami headquarters, the Burger King Corporation rolled out two new sandwiches that conceptually negate each other. "The new Veggie Burger, with just seven grams of fat, is a refreshing, heart-smart alternative to the usual fast-food junk," Burger King vice-president Robert Fass said. "And brace yourselves, meat lovers: The new BK Hickory Bacon Triple Stack—three juicy, big-beef patties topped with crispy bacon and slathered in a rich, smoked-cheddar sauce—is gonna blow you away." Burger theoreticians posit that the sandwiches could destroy each other if sold in a single order.

History Teacher Has Unusual Favorite President

GROVEDALE, MN—Paul Loftus, an 11th-grade history teacher at Grovedale High School, proudly touts his unconventional choice for favorite U.S. president, Calvin Coolidge. "People fail to appreciate how Coolidge essentially rebuilt the presidency after the Harding scandals," said Loftus, who enjoys announcing and discussing his surprise pick whenever possible. "He was also a great diplomat who did much to foster world peace, all despite the tragic death of his son in his first term." Loftus went on to counter the widely held misconception that Coolidge, sometimes known as "Silent Cal," was a serious, humorless man.

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?

Dad Defends Purchase Of Bargain-Brand Cereal

GOSHEN, IN—Calling his actions "sensible" and "how it's going to be from now on," Glen Showalter, a Goshen-area father of three, defended his unpopular decision to purchase bargain-brand breakfast cereals Monday.
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Let Smoove Take You Away

Girl, I know what you want. In addition, as your man, I know what you need.

I know you love this city. I know you enjoy living and working here, as well as patronizing its various nightspots and eateries. But every now and then, a precious creature such as yourself needs to get away from it all. Let Smoove take you away on an exotic, far-off trip. I have it all planned out. You know this to be true.

Let me break down our itinerary.

I will arrive at your door in a pure-white limousine. Upon arriving, I will not honk the horn. Instead, I will walk up the stairs of your apartment building and softly rap on your door. When the door opens, I will compliment you on your outfit and your hair. I will then command the limo driver to take your bags so that I may look deep into your eyes as I hold your hand at shoulder level. As we walk down the stairs, I will whisper such romantic things to you as "Your eyes are like two brown gems," "You are my ebony queen," and "Your body is like a delicate flower, and I am a trained gardener who knows that kind of flower inside and out."

When we reach the car, I will open the door for you because you deserve to be treated in such a fashion.

Inside the limo, I will have available an assortment of only the finest champagnes purchaseable from the best champagne stores in all of France. There will also be cranberry juice. If you wish, you can mix the two together.

As our driver drives us, I will kiss you upon your neck, arms, and forehead. I will refrain from kissing your lips so that your passion for me will grow to the highest level imaginable. I will let you control the air conditioning in the limo, as well, ensuring that the temperature inside is precisely to your wildest wishes.

After nearly 30 minutes in the limo, we will arrive at the airport, where we will board a private jet for the second part of our voyage. The inside of the jet will be filled with plush cushions on which you can sit. I will have pre-instructed the crew to treat you like a princess. I will also treat you like a princess myself. We will talk only about the things you want to talk about. We will look out the window only at the things you want to look at.

I will hit you doggy-style in the airplane bathroom.

When we exit the plane, you will be overwhelmed by the exoticness of the location at which we have landed. You know that no other man but Smoove would treat you in such a fine manner. Furthermore, if you have forgotten to pack anything, such as a toothbrush or comb, we will pick up brand-new copies of these items from a local Rite-Aid or other such store, and I will pay for them entirely.

Before we enter our bungalow, I will kiss you passionately, this time on the lips. Then, when I open the door, the room will be just as I requested it. Scented candles featuring only the finest smells in the world will be lit. Keith Sweat will be playing on the stereo. The windows will be open to let the ocean breeze cool your fine, cocoa skin. That is the Smoove guarantee.

I will then peel or slice an assortment of fruits brought in from only the finest local fruit establishments. Some fruits will be flown in from other tropical locations just so that you may sample them. I will then feed you each piece, one at a time. I will wipe away any juice that flows out of your mouth and down your chin with a hand-selected cloth that is both soft and absorbent.

Once you have had your fill of fruit, we will take a romantic walk on the beach. At first, we will run in the surf and laugh in an extremely playful manner. If you want to splash me, you can feel free to do so. I will not mind.

Then, as the sun goes down, things will get more serious as you cradle your head into my shoulder. At some point during our walk, I will kiss you with such passion that your knees will tremble. Then, I will scoop you up and walk with you in my arms back to our shared bungalow. At no point while carrying you will I seem tired.

When we get to the bungalow, I will lay you down on the bed and wash the sand off your feet with a soap and water solution. After drying your feet with a 100 percent cotton towel, I will take out a satchel filled with perfumed oils that I have personally selected for your particular feet. I will rub your feet for three hours. While I am doing so, I will say a variety of compliments specially tailored to you. Among these comments will be "Your makeup looks so fine" and "I cannot wait to taste you."

I will also tell you that you look beautiful.

It is at this point that I will freak you wild to the break of dawn. Never before will you have been sexed like I will sex you then. That is my solemn vow. You will wish we could freak nasty like that forever. Smoove will make that wish come true.

In the morning, room service will bring up a selection of pancakes, many of which will be embedded with chocolate chips or blueberries and/or other such delights. There will also be muffins. If you prefer tea to coffee, I can have some ready for you.

If this scenario does not tempt you beyond all imagining, let me point out that I have only described Day One for you. Smoove will have many more pleasures waiting for you over the remainder of the weekend. These pleasures may include a midnight swim under a waterfall, provided that there is a waterfall and that swimming is allowed past 11 p.m. You will remember this romantic trip forever.

Damn.

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