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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Let Us Freak

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you.

You are the love of my life, and I would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out. I would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation.

I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before.

In addition to all of that, I will wash you.

Every time I see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. I will give you golden bracelets that shine like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. I will give you a necklace of pearls that beams like the moon in the evening. I will give you earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.

You are the loveliest creature in the world, and I promise that I will freak you wild. We will do the freak in the bed. We will do the freak on the floor. We will also do the freak in the bathtub.

At this time, you may desire to know how I will treat you before we freak. Baby, let me put it down for you:

First, I will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin suit. At that point, I will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. Also, I will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.

Then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. We will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine. The waiter will do my every bidding, bringing whatever I ask, be that butter, salt, extra sauce, more napkins, or even an additional serving of boiled lobsters.

There will be bread also.

Next, we will attend an exquisite Broadway musical. We will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. We will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater.

Woman, I can't stand it. I want to freak you right here on my desk. Come here and jump on my saddle right now.

When the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a white silk robe. I will then lead you to the balcony of your apartment, which looks out over the city. Your white robe will cascade to the ground underneath you as I run my fingers softly over the smooth skin of your legs. The breeze will send a chill up and down your spine. Next, I will run my fingers softly over the remaining portions of your body, including the arms, neck and hair.

Girl, tell me that you are soaking wet at this stage. I know that you are.

I want to hold you tight in my arms and swear to you that I will be your man forever. I want to look deep into your eyes so you will know by the seriousness of my gaze that I will put a sting in you.

You and me, baby. We will freak crazy.

Damn.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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