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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Let Us Freak

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you.

You are the love of my life, and I would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out. I would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation.

I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before.

In addition to all of that, I will wash you.

Every time I see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. I will give you golden bracelets that shine like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. I will give you a necklace of pearls that beams like the moon in the evening. I will give you earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.

You are the loveliest creature in the world, and I promise that I will freak you wild. We will do the freak in the bed. We will do the freak on the floor. We will also do the freak in the bathtub.

At this time, you may desire to know how I will treat you before we freak. Baby, let me put it down for you:

First, I will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin suit. At that point, I will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. Also, I will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.

Then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. We will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine. The waiter will do my every bidding, bringing whatever I ask, be that butter, salt, extra sauce, more napkins, or even an additional serving of boiled lobsters.

There will be bread also.

Next, we will attend an exquisite Broadway musical. We will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. We will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater.

Woman, I can't stand it. I want to freak you right here on my desk. Come here and jump on my saddle right now.

When the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a white silk robe. I will then lead you to the balcony of your apartment, which looks out over the city. Your white robe will cascade to the ground underneath you as I run my fingers softly over the smooth skin of your legs. The breeze will send a chill up and down your spine. Next, I will run my fingers softly over the remaining portions of your body, including the arms, neck and hair.

Girl, tell me that you are soaking wet at this stage. I know that you are.

I want to hold you tight in my arms and swear to you that I will be your man forever. I want to look deep into your eyes so you will know by the seriousness of my gaze that I will put a sting in you.

You and me, baby. We will freak crazy.

Damn.

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