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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Let Us Freak

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you.

You are the love of my life, and I would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out. I would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation.

I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before.

In addition to all of that, I will wash you.

Every time I see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. I will give you golden bracelets that shine like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. I will give you a necklace of pearls that beams like the moon in the evening. I will give you earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.

You are the loveliest creature in the world, and I promise that I will freak you wild. We will do the freak in the bed. We will do the freak on the floor. We will also do the freak in the bathtub.

At this time, you may desire to know how I will treat you before we freak. Baby, let me put it down for you:

First, I will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin suit. At that point, I will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. Also, I will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.

Then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. We will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine. The waiter will do my every bidding, bringing whatever I ask, be that butter, salt, extra sauce, more napkins, or even an additional serving of boiled lobsters.

There will be bread also.

Next, we will attend an exquisite Broadway musical. We will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. We will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater.

Woman, I can't stand it. I want to freak you right here on my desk. Come here and jump on my saddle right now.

When the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a white silk robe. I will then lead you to the balcony of your apartment, which looks out over the city. Your white robe will cascade to the ground underneath you as I run my fingers softly over the smooth skin of your legs. The breeze will send a chill up and down your spine. Next, I will run my fingers softly over the remaining portions of your body, including the arms, neck and hair.

Girl, tell me that you are soaking wet at this stage. I know that you are.

I want to hold you tight in my arms and swear to you that I will be your man forever. I want to look deep into your eyes so you will know by the seriousness of my gaze that I will put a sting in you.

You and me, baby. We will freak crazy.

Damn.

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