Let Us Freak

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Let Us Freak

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you.

You are the love of my life, and I would travel to the ends of the earth to prove my love for you. I would fly to Europe in order to personally select the finest champagne for you to drink. I would climb to the peak of the highest mountain to demonstrate that my lower-back muscles are powerful and won't give out. I would weave for you the most comfortable silk sheets ever known to creation.

I am the man for you, and I will make you want to get down and get funk-ass nasty with me. I will make you scream and shout all hours of the night. I will make sweet love to you like no man has ever before.

In addition to all of that, I will wash you.

Every time I see you, you will be presented with a lovely gift. I will give you golden bracelets that shine like sparkles of sunlight on the ocean. I will give you a necklace of pearls that beams like the moon in the evening. I will give you earrings that are more beautiful than a flock of seagulls or some such other type of romantic bird.

You are the loveliest creature in the world, and I promise that I will freak you wild. We will do the freak in the bed. We will do the freak on the floor. We will also do the freak in the bathtub.

At this time, you may desire to know how I will treat you before we freak. Baby, let me put it down for you:

First, I will pick you up at your apartment dressed in a shimmering, gold satin suit. At that point, I will present a gift of a dozen roses to you. Also, I will be polite and not enter your home until you verbally invite me in.

Then we will take a romantic horse-and-carriage ride to dine at the most expensive restaurant we can find. We will eat a meal of boiled lobsters and enjoy greens and fine wine. The waiter will do my every bidding, bringing whatever I ask, be that butter, salt, extra sauce, more napkins, or even an additional serving of boiled lobsters.

There will be bread also.

Next, we will attend an exquisite Broadway musical. We will enjoy the finest singing, dancing and showmanship that is available anywhere. We will be among the upper crust of society, enjoying a night of theater.

Woman, I can't stand it. I want to freak you right here on my desk. Come here and jump on my saddle right now.

When the show is completed, we will return to your apartment, and you will change into a white silk robe. I will then lead you to the balcony of your apartment, which looks out over the city. Your white robe will cascade to the ground underneath you as I run my fingers softly over the smooth skin of your legs. The breeze will send a chill up and down your spine. Next, I will run my fingers softly over the remaining portions of your body, including the arms, neck and hair.

Girl, tell me that you are soaking wet at this stage. I know that you are.

I want to hold you tight in my arms and swear to you that I will be your man forever. I want to look deep into your eyes so you will know by the seriousness of my gaze that I will put a sting in you.

You and me, baby. We will freak crazy.