Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together

Hey, guys, it's your old pal Luzhninczy. Remember, from Vladisnostok? I hope this finds you well. And that no one else finds you—ha ha! But seriously, I am quite adept at keeping track of everyone, which is why, in the old days, they called me the Minister of Information. "Old Eyes And Ears," they used to say. "You never know who might be listening," they'd say. But I always knew they meant me. And I always knew who "they" were. Ah, yes, good times, good times. I miss them.

Which is why, lately, I've been thinking that we should get the old regime back together.

Admit it, my comrades, my compatriots, my old partners in crime: We had ourselves a great regime. For a while there in the 1980s, our regime forced everyone to sit up and take notice. So maybe the critics didn't all like us. And maybe we weren't so popular with the public. That attitude was nothing that a few months at the detention camp in Nozodoroshevo couldn't fix. If they knew what was good for them, and wanted to keep all their homes and fingers and family members, they did things our way.

Face it, guys—we ruled! And we could rule again. I know we could. With just a quick trip to Switzerland, we could be back in business.

Sure, there was a lot of hard work, and oceans of spilled Nationalist blood, but don't for a minute pretend that you didn't enjoy it. Remember Anatoly, speaking to the people, the fire in his eyes reflecting revolutionary fervor and burning oil fields? I do. I'll never forget that, nor will I ever forget the smile on Antonin's face as he waved to the adoring crowds of citizens who had been forced to realize that we were their future, and that their choices were two: cheer or starve to death.

I'll admit that the days when we were relatively unknown were hard. We had to go through all that agricultural reform, the empowerment of peasants, and the stringing up of corrupt local officials. But remember those all-night bull sessions in Yuri's garage, where we formulated our naïve early plans for world domination? Remember riding around the country in a beat-up van, playing to the poor locals' feelings of disenfranchisement and alienation? Those were some good times.

But if we did it all again, we could bypass the hard stuff. We have a reputation now. We could make things happen fast. Come on! Let's do it, guys. Just say the word.

We were big—bigger than any regime before us. We were bigger than Ceausescu! Once we'd so thoroughly demonized the Reformed Orthodox clergy that frenzied mobs were burning down churches across the nation, we were even bigger than Jesus. We took the place by storm. I'm still proud of how revolutionary we were. We really got down and dirty and rocked the country to its foundations, using sabotage and captured artillery. Shit, they're still cleaning up the mess from our Party! We could easily pick up where we left off

Yeah, it was a fun road, and we got to meet some really cool people, like the overseas director of development for British Petroleum, and Oliver North, and those touring nuns who got lost when the tire blew on their van. We worked with some of the best, too, once we hit it big. Remember that guy Dieter? The guy we hired to deal with all those hotshot British agents who started popping up uninvited? Remember how we called him "Fingers"? He could find out any information you needed to know, as long as he had some sturdy clamps and a metalworker's bench grinder. Man, I'd almost forgotten about him. That guy was crazy! Let's surprise him with a visit! He's in North Korea now.

Ah, I guess we all were a little crazy back then. Near the end, I didn't think we were ever going to get out of it alive. Well, Nikolai didn't. I told him all the time, man, once a backlash starts, and Bono is writing lyrics about you, and Americans are starting to act like they've hated you all along, it's time to think about moving on.

But listen, my friends, I guarantee you this: The people never forgot us. We could do this, guys. We could be huge again. I've still got a copy of our Declaration of Ascendancy, and a grain silo in Bukagachi filled with Kalashnikov assault rifles. So, how about it? Are we a regime again, or what?

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