Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together

Top Headlines

International

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.

Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Experts: Ebola Vaccine At Least 50 White People Away

CONAKRY, GUINEA—With the death toll in West Africa continuing to rise amid a new outbreak of the Ebola virus, leading medical experts announced Wednesday that a vaccine for the deadly disease is still at least 50 white people from being developed.

Who Is Vladimir Putin?

After troops from his country forcibly seized Crimea earlier this year, Russian president Vladimir Putin is back in the news for allegedly arming separatists in eastern Ukraine with the missiles that are believed to have taken down Malaysia Airlines Fl...

Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents ...

What Is ISIS?

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad.

Understanding The Situation In Iraq

Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad.

Immigrant Also Applying To A Few Reach Countries

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS—Noting that his consular officer said it couldn’t hurt to take a chance on a few long shots, prospective immigrant Soukan Chitmany told reporters Monday that, in addition to applying for permanent residence in a number of m...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Productivity

Let's Get The Old Regime Back Together

Hey, guys, it's your old pal Luzhninczy. Remember, from Vladisnostok? I hope this finds you well. And that no one else finds you—ha ha! But seriously, I am quite adept at keeping track of everyone, which is why, in the old days, they called me the Minister of Information. "Old Eyes And Ears," they used to say. "You never know who might be listening," they'd say. But I always knew they meant me. And I always knew who "they" were. Ah, yes, good times, good times. I miss them.

Which is why, lately, I've been thinking that we should get the old regime back together.

Admit it, my comrades, my compatriots, my old partners in crime: We had ourselves a great regime. For a while there in the 1980s, our regime forced everyone to sit up and take notice. So maybe the critics didn't all like us. And maybe we weren't so popular with the public. That attitude was nothing that a few months at the detention camp in Nozodoroshevo couldn't fix. If they knew what was good for them, and wanted to keep all their homes and fingers and family members, they did things our way.

Face it, guys—we ruled! And we could rule again. I know we could. With just a quick trip to Switzerland, we could be back in business.

Sure, there was a lot of hard work, and oceans of spilled Nationalist blood, but don't for a minute pretend that you didn't enjoy it. Remember Anatoly, speaking to the people, the fire in his eyes reflecting revolutionary fervor and burning oil fields? I do. I'll never forget that, nor will I ever forget the smile on Antonin's face as he waved to the adoring crowds of citizens who had been forced to realize that we were their future, and that their choices were two: cheer or starve to death.

I'll admit that the days when we were relatively unknown were hard. We had to go through all that agricultural reform, the empowerment of peasants, and the stringing up of corrupt local officials. But remember those all-night bull sessions in Yuri's garage, where we formulated our naïve early plans for world domination? Remember riding around the country in a beat-up van, playing to the poor locals' feelings of disenfranchisement and alienation? Those were some good times.

But if we did it all again, we could bypass the hard stuff. We have a reputation now. We could make things happen fast. Come on! Let's do it, guys. Just say the word.

We were big—bigger than any regime before us. We were bigger than Ceausescu! Once we'd so thoroughly demonized the Reformed Orthodox clergy that frenzied mobs were burning down churches across the nation, we were even bigger than Jesus. We took the place by storm. I'm still proud of how revolutionary we were. We really got down and dirty and rocked the country to its foundations, using sabotage and captured artillery. Shit, they're still cleaning up the mess from our Party! We could easily pick up where we left off

Yeah, it was a fun road, and we got to meet some really cool people, like the overseas director of development for British Petroleum, and Oliver North, and those touring nuns who got lost when the tire blew on their van. We worked with some of the best, too, once we hit it big. Remember that guy Dieter? The guy we hired to deal with all those hotshot British agents who started popping up uninvited? Remember how we called him "Fingers"? He could find out any information you needed to know, as long as he had some sturdy clamps and a metalworker's bench grinder. Man, I'd almost forgotten about him. That guy was crazy! Let's surprise him with a visit! He's in North Korea now.

Ah, I guess we all were a little crazy back then. Near the end, I didn't think we were ever going to get out of it alive. Well, Nikolai didn't. I told him all the time, man, once a backlash starts, and Bono is writing lyrics about you, and Americans are starting to act like they've hated you all along, it's time to think about moving on.

But listen, my friends, I guarantee you this: The people never forgot us. We could do this, guys. We could be huge again. I've still got a copy of our Declaration of Ascendancy, and a grain silo in Bukagachi filled with Kalashnikov assault rifles. So, how about it? Are we a regime again, or what?