Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex

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Vol 39 Issue 19

Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine."

Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show

SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance.

Podiatrist A Jerk

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated.

Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."

Yo, Don't Judge

Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass world of all y'all amateurs. And it ain't easy. When punchout time roll around, there be a lot o' A.R. bruthahs who don't know what to do with theyselves. Sometimes, they go to Chiliz or Applebeez, but them places be full of playa-hatas who don't approve of tha reeceevin' lifestyle, and in no time, suckaz start flexin'.

Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.
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Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex

Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I was thinking the other day that maybe even though we're not dating anymore, we could, you know, um, how do I say this? Let's put the "ex" back in sex.

Before you get all mad, let me clarify. I'm not talking about starting up a relationship again. I just mean, hey, we're both single, and, well, how about you and me take a roll in the sack again, for old time's sake? Because I've got a feeling that tonight is a night for the kind of love that only comes once in a lifetime, and then stops, but then starts up every now and again, on occasion, when one or both people are horny and lonely.

I admit, you haven't heard from me in quite some time. I guess I wasn't returning your phone calls because after all the heartache and emotional trauma of the whole breakup thing, I just needed some space or room to grow. Plus, I was kind of focusing my efforts on trying to score with a bunch of hot new chicks. Unfortunately, that plan didn't exactly work out the way I'd hoped.

Come on, don't be that way. It's exactly that sort of uptight, closed-minded attitude that led to our breakup in the first place.

Don't you want a little of the old ex-boyfriend magic back in your life just once? Or twice? Or even maybe more often than that, depending on how things are going with the new people we may or may not be dating? The kind of magic that only a night of intimacy and romance with somebody you used to be intimate and romantic with, but no longer are, can provide? Let me take you on a trip down memory-of-having-sex-with-me lane.

We both have needs. I don't know about you, but my needs are most definitely not being met these days. So what would be wrong with a little noncommittal, post-relationship action on the side? I mean, in this crazy world, can't an ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend share a moment of tender, physical passion now and again?

Hey, we're both adults here. This is 2003. We're hip, liberated people. There's no need to hold back because of some outdated, prudish notions about what is or isn't appropriate. Why should we be so hung up on the distinction between a "current" and "ex" boyfriend? Life is too short for such technicalities. Do you see what I'm getting at, baby? I mean, ex-baby?

Look, the least you can do is show a little sympathy for someone you once cared deeply about. Would it kill you to show a little tenderness? Am I the only person in this ex-relationship that's ever heard of a mercy fuck?

Perhaps you don't realize just how sincere my intentions are. I really, truly, honestly want to get laid. Deeply. What about all the amazing, though admittedly over, times we shared? Doesn't that count for anything? Do you really feel nothing? You should see me. I'm down on my knees here, begging for a second chance at love for one or two nights a week, at most, at least until one of us starts sleeping with somebody else.

You aren't seeing anybody, are you? Well, sure, I suppose that is none of my business, but I'd like to think that the bond we once shared means you can still confide in me and share your most intimate secrets. Like, for example, whether you're seeing somebody. Are you? Because if you are, that's totally cool with me. I'm capable of handling it in a mature fashion, and I see no reason why your new boyfriend situation should interfere with my attempts to beg you to have sex with me again.

Look in your heart. Somewhere deep down in there, beneath all the pain, resentment, and lingering anger you're still feeling over our breakup, isn't there still some tiny flame of passion flickering for the man you once loved and, more importantly, allowed to have sex with you? Isn't there still some tiny little part of you that wants that kind of passionate commitment? And, by "commitment," I mean "commitment to having sex with each other"? Please, Amy, let me into your life again, or at least into your bed for just one more night.

No? Okay, that's cool, I understand. If you ever change your mind, though, my offer stands.

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