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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Let's Put The 'Ex' Back In Sex

Hey, Amy. How's the most beautiful ex-girlfriend in the world doing tonight? Wow, it's been a while, huh? Listen, don't hang up, okay? I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I was thinking the other day that maybe even though we're not dating anymore, we could, you know, um, how do I say this? Let's put the "ex" back in sex.

Before you get all mad, let me clarify. I'm not talking about starting up a relationship again. I just mean, hey, we're both single, and, well, how about you and me take a roll in the sack again, for old time's sake? Because I've got a feeling that tonight is a night for the kind of love that only comes once in a lifetime, and then stops, but then starts up every now and again, on occasion, when one or both people are horny and lonely.

I admit, you haven't heard from me in quite some time. I guess I wasn't returning your phone calls because after all the heartache and emotional trauma of the whole breakup thing, I just needed some space or room to grow. Plus, I was kind of focusing my efforts on trying to score with a bunch of hot new chicks. Unfortunately, that plan didn't exactly work out the way I'd hoped.

Come on, don't be that way. It's exactly that sort of uptight, closed-minded attitude that led to our breakup in the first place.

Don't you want a little of the old ex-boyfriend magic back in your life just once? Or twice? Or even maybe more often than that, depending on how things are going with the new people we may or may not be dating? The kind of magic that only a night of intimacy and romance with somebody you used to be intimate and romantic with, but no longer are, can provide? Let me take you on a trip down memory-of-having-sex-with-me lane.

We both have needs. I don't know about you, but my needs are most definitely not being met these days. So what would be wrong with a little noncommittal, post-relationship action on the side? I mean, in this crazy world, can't an ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend share a moment of tender, physical passion now and again?

Hey, we're both adults here. This is 2003. We're hip, liberated people. There's no need to hold back because of some outdated, prudish notions about what is or isn't appropriate. Why should we be so hung up on the distinction between a "current" and "ex" boyfriend? Life is too short for such technicalities. Do you see what I'm getting at, baby? I mean, ex-baby?

Look, the least you can do is show a little sympathy for someone you once cared deeply about. Would it kill you to show a little tenderness? Am I the only person in this ex-relationship that's ever heard of a mercy fuck?

Perhaps you don't realize just how sincere my intentions are. I really, truly, honestly want to get laid. Deeply. What about all the amazing, though admittedly over, times we shared? Doesn't that count for anything? Do you really feel nothing? You should see me. I'm down on my knees here, begging for a second chance at love for one or two nights a week, at most, at least until one of us starts sleeping with somebody else.

You aren't seeing anybody, are you? Well, sure, I suppose that is none of my business, but I'd like to think that the bond we once shared means you can still confide in me and share your most intimate secrets. Like, for example, whether you're seeing somebody. Are you? Because if you are, that's totally cool with me. I'm capable of handling it in a mature fashion, and I see no reason why your new boyfriend situation should interfere with my attempts to beg you to have sex with me again.

Look in your heart. Somewhere deep down in there, beneath all the pain, resentment, and lingering anger you're still feeling over our breakup, isn't there still some tiny flame of passion flickering for the man you once loved and, more importantly, allowed to have sex with you? Isn't there still some tiny little part of you that wants that kind of passionate commitment? And, by "commitment," I mean "commitment to having sex with each other"? Please, Amy, let me into your life again, or at least into your bed for just one more night.

No? Okay, that's cool, I understand. If you ever change your mind, though, my offer stands.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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