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Good Times

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Man Always Taking Good Mood Out On Friends

NORFOLK, VA—Saying how difficult it is to be around him when he’s unable to get a handle on his emotions, frustrated friends of local man James Melrose complained Tuesday that the 26-year-old is constantly taking his good mood out on them.

Man Has No Idea What To Do With Good Mood

FRANKLIN, WI—Weighing various options for how to proceed given the unexpectedness of the situation, local 33-year-old Trevor Clifford was reportedly at a complete loss as to what he should do Monday after suddenly finding himself in a good mood.

Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well. Several of the Wh...

Man Working Up Courage To Ask Coworker To Office Dance

‘I Wonder If Stacy Already Has A Date To Fall Ball?’

SAN ANTONIO—NCG Information Systems sales associate Greg Autry told reporters Wednesday that he is currently in the process of “psyching himself up” to ask Head Database Management Analyst Stacy Donahue to their office’s annual Fal...
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Good Times

Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

When I look back on my 61 years, I sometimes think, "If only I had taken the time to really experience everything out there, I would probably be dead by now."

This world has a lot to offer—too much, really—and every time I'm met with the blinding variety of life-endangering options available to me, I find the safest bet is to bolt the windows shut, put in earplugs, and not try anything once. After all, you've only got one life to live, so why take any chances?

A good start to living a long, healthy life is to make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do but could never work up the courage to try, and continue avoiding these things. Just think about the hundreds of terrible things that can go wrong while taking part in a breathtaking, potentially fatal activity such as skydiving. Life is too short as it is, so it's better not to put it at risk by leaving the apartment.

When you think about it, there are thousands of simple little ways to add some spice to your life while simultaneously putting it in great jeopardy. You could go hiking and risk getting lost and dying alone in the wilderness. Or go white-water rafting and meet your watery demise. Host a dinner party and get shot by an angry guest. It would be a shame to miss out on a future full of silent afternoons indoors and evenings alone in front of the television just to get the cheap thrills that make life worth living.

Now, there's nothing more enjoyable than traveling the world and sharing whole new experiences with different groups of people, and there's also no faster route to a life-threatening disease, crippling injury, or untimely death, depending on where your perilous travels take you. Instead of risking your life, have your relatives or friends buy you a spoon from each place they go. I do this, and while I find it to be wholly unsatisfying, it has the distinct advantage of not requiring me to climb aboard a death ship that travels at speeds of 800 miles per hour while 30,000 feet in the air.

Getting a bright and early start to your day is one of the most common ways to imperil the precious, fragile gift that is life. Walking around in the blistering morning sun and breathing in the toxic, polluted air might sound refreshing to the devil-may-care thrill-seeker, but it will only result in melanoma and lung cancer in the end.

A safe, boring alternative that won't get you killed is to just stay in your room all day. Instead of learning to wind-sail, learn how to use your imagination. Don't get too carried away, though. The human mind is capable of conjuring up some gruesome images that could give you nightmares, and people who have nightmares are 50 percent more likely to die in their sleep.

When I am sitting in a windowless room and my imagination gets out of hand, I immediately temper it by turning on a vapid, thought-preventing talk show or '70s sitcom. Since straining your eyes too much can make you go blind, I recommend just listening to the TV while staring at a wall.

Some other uninteresting, dull, life-preserving activities you can do in the safety of your own home include: carefully rocking in a chair, sleeping, shutting your eyes and lying still though not technically asleep, counting ceiling cracks, pacing back and forth, and thinking about different numbers. Any or all of these are wonderfully effective, monotonous ways to prolong your life.

So, before you go mountain climbing, hang gliding, or even consider taking your life into your hands with a Caribbean resort vacation, take a moment to think about the wear and tear such activities can cause. Your body is not a toy—it is an extremely fragile shell that should always be handled with great care and never be exposed to temperatures above or below 80 degrees.

And remember that just because you stay physically healthy and out of harm's way, that doesn't mean your life can't be wrecked emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. It's best to think, feel, and believe in things as little as possible.

My advice: Take it one excruciatingly slow, mind-numbing day at a time. If you can go to sleep each night comfortable in the knowledge that you will probably wake up in the morning, you will have truly discovered the key to leading a long, drawn-out, stable, and completely unfulfilling life: staying alive.

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