adBlockCheck

Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

When I look back on my 61 years, I sometimes think, "If only I had taken the time to really experience everything out there, I would probably be dead by now."

This world has a lot to offer—too much, really—and every time I'm met with the blinding variety of life-endangering options available to me, I find the safest bet is to bolt the windows shut, put in earplugs, and not try anything once. After all, you've only got one life to live, so why take any chances?

A good start to living a long, healthy life is to make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do but could never work up the courage to try, and continue avoiding these things. Just think about the hundreds of terrible things that can go wrong while taking part in a breathtaking, potentially fatal activity such as skydiving. Life is too short as it is, so it's better not to put it at risk by leaving the apartment.

When you think about it, there are thousands of simple little ways to add some spice to your life while simultaneously putting it in great jeopardy. You could go hiking and risk getting lost and dying alone in the wilderness. Or go white-water rafting and meet your watery demise. Host a dinner party and get shot by an angry guest. It would be a shame to miss out on a future full of silent afternoons indoors and evenings alone in front of the television just to get the cheap thrills that make life worth living.

Now, there's nothing more enjoyable than traveling the world and sharing whole new experiences with different groups of people, and there's also no faster route to a life-threatening disease, crippling injury, or untimely death, depending on where your perilous travels take you. Instead of risking your life, have your relatives or friends buy you a spoon from each place they go. I do this, and while I find it to be wholly unsatisfying, it has the distinct advantage of not requiring me to climb aboard a death ship that travels at speeds of 800 miles per hour while 30,000 feet in the air.

Getting a bright and early start to your day is one of the most common ways to imperil the precious, fragile gift that is life. Walking around in the blistering morning sun and breathing in the toxic, polluted air might sound refreshing to the devil-may-care thrill-seeker, but it will only result in melanoma and lung cancer in the end.

A safe, boring alternative that won't get you killed is to just stay in your room all day. Instead of learning to wind-sail, learn how to use your imagination. Don't get too carried away, though. The human mind is capable of conjuring up some gruesome images that could give you nightmares, and people who have nightmares are 50 percent more likely to die in their sleep.

When I am sitting in a windowless room and my imagination gets out of hand, I immediately temper it by turning on a vapid, thought-preventing talk show or '70s sitcom. Since straining your eyes too much can make you go blind, I recommend just listening to the TV while staring at a wall.

Some other uninteresting, dull, life-preserving activities you can do in the safety of your own home include: carefully rocking in a chair, sleeping, shutting your eyes and lying still though not technically asleep, counting ceiling cracks, pacing back and forth, and thinking about different numbers. Any or all of these are wonderfully effective, monotonous ways to prolong your life.

So, before you go mountain climbing, hang gliding, or even consider taking your life into your hands with a Caribbean resort vacation, take a moment to think about the wear and tear such activities can cause. Your body is not a toy—it is an extremely fragile shell that should always be handled with great care and never be exposed to temperatures above or below 80 degrees.

And remember that just because you stay physically healthy and out of harm's way, that doesn't mean your life can't be wrecked emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. It's best to think, feel, and believe in things as little as possible.

My advice: Take it one excruciatingly slow, mind-numbing day at a time. If you can go to sleep each night comfortable in the knowledge that you will probably wake up in the morning, you will have truly discovered the key to leading a long, drawn-out, stable, and completely unfulfilling life: staying alive.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close