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Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

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MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

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Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

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As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

When I look back on my 61 years, I sometimes think, "If only I had taken the time to really experience everything out there, I would probably be dead by now."

This world has a lot to offer—too much, really—and every time I'm met with the blinding variety of life-endangering options available to me, I find the safest bet is to bolt the windows shut, put in earplugs, and not try anything once. After all, you've only got one life to live, so why take any chances?

A good start to living a long, healthy life is to make a list of all the things you've always wanted to do but could never work up the courage to try, and continue avoiding these things. Just think about the hundreds of terrible things that can go wrong while taking part in a breathtaking, potentially fatal activity such as skydiving. Life is too short as it is, so it's better not to put it at risk by leaving the apartment.

When you think about it, there are thousands of simple little ways to add some spice to your life while simultaneously putting it in great jeopardy. You could go hiking and risk getting lost and dying alone in the wilderness. Or go white-water rafting and meet your watery demise. Host a dinner party and get shot by an angry guest. It would be a shame to miss out on a future full of silent afternoons indoors and evenings alone in front of the television just to get the cheap thrills that make life worth living.

Now, there's nothing more enjoyable than traveling the world and sharing whole new experiences with different groups of people, and there's also no faster route to a life-threatening disease, crippling injury, or untimely death, depending on where your perilous travels take you. Instead of risking your life, have your relatives or friends buy you a spoon from each place they go. I do this, and while I find it to be wholly unsatisfying, it has the distinct advantage of not requiring me to climb aboard a death ship that travels at speeds of 800 miles per hour while 30,000 feet in the air.

Getting a bright and early start to your day is one of the most common ways to imperil the precious, fragile gift that is life. Walking around in the blistering morning sun and breathing in the toxic, polluted air might sound refreshing to the devil-may-care thrill-seeker, but it will only result in melanoma and lung cancer in the end.

A safe, boring alternative that won't get you killed is to just stay in your room all day. Instead of learning to wind-sail, learn how to use your imagination. Don't get too carried away, though. The human mind is capable of conjuring up some gruesome images that could give you nightmares, and people who have nightmares are 50 percent more likely to die in their sleep.

When I am sitting in a windowless room and my imagination gets out of hand, I immediately temper it by turning on a vapid, thought-preventing talk show or '70s sitcom. Since straining your eyes too much can make you go blind, I recommend just listening to the TV while staring at a wall.

Some other uninteresting, dull, life-preserving activities you can do in the safety of your own home include: carefully rocking in a chair, sleeping, shutting your eyes and lying still though not technically asleep, counting ceiling cracks, pacing back and forth, and thinking about different numbers. Any or all of these are wonderfully effective, monotonous ways to prolong your life.

So, before you go mountain climbing, hang gliding, or even consider taking your life into your hands with a Caribbean resort vacation, take a moment to think about the wear and tear such activities can cause. Your body is not a toy—it is an extremely fragile shell that should always be handled with great care and never be exposed to temperatures above or below 80 degrees.

And remember that just because you stay physically healthy and out of harm's way, that doesn't mean your life can't be wrecked emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. It's best to think, feel, and believe in things as little as possible.

My advice: Take it one excruciatingly slow, mind-numbing day at a time. If you can go to sleep each night comfortable in the knowledge that you will probably wake up in the morning, you will have truly discovered the key to leading a long, drawn-out, stable, and completely unfulfilling life: staying alive.

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