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Like Hell We're All In This Together

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Like Hell We're All In This Together

I've been hearing a lot of loose talk lately about how, as long as we're all stuck in this life together, we should work together to get through it. What a heap of crap. Let's get this straight right now, pal: I don't need you to help me get through my life, and I certainly have no intention of helping you get through yours.

Listen, I got slapped into this world alone. Like most male heirs, I was misunderstood as a child, so I isolated myself from everyone at Phillips-Exeter Academy. The day I finally inherited Grantham Petrochemical Consolidated, the first thing I did was arrange things so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. My second wife is a complete stranger to me. I've worked hard to alienate myself from my kids. I go to sleep every night alone. And let me tell you, it's a pretty sweet life. So unless you've got a hot stock tip or you're a golf pro who knows how to get rid of a leftward slice, I'd greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell out of my path.

Many people have trouble understanding this. "Join in and lend a hand!" they say. "We're all on this crazy rock together!" No, we most definitely are not on this crazy rock together. You are on this crazy rock alone. I've got enough to worry about making my own life livable, which isn't easy considering I'm not even supposed to have salt anymore on account of my hypertension, which in turn is probably causing my lousy golf game. If I were to join together with you to try to make things better, we'd just both wind up being disappointed. Or, more likely, you'd be disappointed and I'd be furious, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's non-company-owning pissants wasting my time.

They say it takes all kinds. But that's just more make-nice poormouth church talk. Like hell it takes all kinds. Does it take the kind who's such a bad waiter he can't remember that I asked for my dressing on the side? Evidently, it does, because it happens at the country club at least once a week. Does it take the kind who can't wax a car without leaving streaks on the trim? I guarantee you it does, because the Mercedes in my garage is Exhibit Fucking A. And does it take the kind who sits around feeling sorry for himself because H. Gordon Grantham III won't hand him an education on a silver platter so he'll be employable? Because, let me tell you, there are plenty of those types, too.

"Why can't we all just get along?" is another ridiculous question. If all these Mexicans I'm supposed to "get along with" really cared, they'd do a better job keeping my lawn looking good. But they don't. Apparently, that's what "getting along" really means--doing a shitty job on an important person's prize azalea bushes and then hoping they don't can your wetback ass. Well, if that's what "getting along" and "being in this together" means, you can count me out.

Now get the hell out of my office!

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