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Like Hell We're All In This Together

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Like Hell We're All In This Together

I've been hearing a lot of loose talk lately about how, as long as we're all stuck in this life together, we should work together to get through it. What a heap of crap. Let's get this straight right now, pal: I don't need you to help me get through my life, and I certainly have no intention of helping you get through yours.

Listen, I got slapped into this world alone. Like most male heirs, I was misunderstood as a child, so I isolated myself from everyone at Phillips-Exeter Academy. The day I finally inherited Grantham Petrochemical Consolidated, the first thing I did was arrange things so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. My second wife is a complete stranger to me. I've worked hard to alienate myself from my kids. I go to sleep every night alone. And let me tell you, it's a pretty sweet life. So unless you've got a hot stock tip or you're a golf pro who knows how to get rid of a leftward slice, I'd greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell out of my path.

Many people have trouble understanding this. "Join in and lend a hand!" they say. "We're all on this crazy rock together!" No, we most definitely are not on this crazy rock together. You are on this crazy rock alone. I've got enough to worry about making my own life livable, which isn't easy considering I'm not even supposed to have salt anymore on account of my hypertension, which in turn is probably causing my lousy golf game. If I were to join together with you to try to make things better, we'd just both wind up being disappointed. Or, more likely, you'd be disappointed and I'd be furious, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's non-company-owning pissants wasting my time.

They say it takes all kinds. But that's just more make-nice poormouth church talk. Like hell it takes all kinds. Does it take the kind who's such a bad waiter he can't remember that I asked for my dressing on the side? Evidently, it does, because it happens at the country club at least once a week. Does it take the kind who can't wax a car without leaving streaks on the trim? I guarantee you it does, because the Mercedes in my garage is Exhibit Fucking A. And does it take the kind who sits around feeling sorry for himself because H. Gordon Grantham III won't hand him an education on a silver platter so he'll be employable? Because, let me tell you, there are plenty of those types, too.

"Why can't we all just get along?" is another ridiculous question. If all these Mexicans I'm supposed to "get along with" really cared, they'd do a better job keeping my lawn looking good. But they don't. Apparently, that's what "getting along" really means--doing a shitty job on an important person's prize azalea bushes and then hoping they don't can your wetback ass. Well, if that's what "getting along" and "being in this together" means, you can count me out.

Now get the hell out of my office!

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