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Listen, Can You Do Me A Favor And Join The Army?

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I'm only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would be great, I think. If you joined the Army. And it would definitely help me out.

You would really get something out of it, too, I think. You could travel to whole other countries. All around the world. It would be an adventure. You would get to use equipment and stuff like that. It could be amazing. Just think about it. Plus you would be doing me such a huge favor that I cannot even tell you.

Seriously, why not sign up? I'll get you the form. It will only take a second. You just sign on the line and you're in. I can be there with you and show you where to sign and everything, if you want. I'm happy to do it. Especially since you'd be doing such a nice thing for me by signing up. So you should really do it.

Man, thanks so much in advance.

As far as going to other countries goes, which I mentioned earlier? Yeah. You totally could. You might get stationed anywhere—there's tons of other countries. And you'll get sent to one of them. You'll go somewhere for boot camp, too. Maybe in Kentucky or California. Not bad, huh? And then they will ship you off to just about anywhere you can think of. Unfortunately, I can't say for sure where you might eventually go. That's not up to me. It depends on your deployment orders, and what might be going on at the time, as far as where your help would be needed in the world, and I don't have any control over that. Wish I did. I'd send you to Hawaii or some other fun place just as a way of saying, "Hey, thanks for signing up, buddy."

You got the DVD I sent you, right? Pretty cool. And the razor? Did you get that? There's a video game, too. It's fun. Would you like to play it with me sometime? Come over whenever. We'll play it.

Let's see, what else? I already mentioned it would be an adventure, because it really would. You get to learn about weapons and other skills. There's ropes to climb on. And Jeeps. I'm not even kidding you. You will get to shoot a gun. It's going to be amazing. Serious. And there will be other people there.

Once again, I can't tell you how much it would mean to me if you signed up. You would really be doing me such a solid if you could just commit to like 18 months in the Army.

And did I say the thing about pay? Yeah, I don't know how I could have forgotten that part. You could get thousands of dollars. For school or whatever. What could be better than that? It's just our way of saying we appreciate your joining up. Plus, you could get your life on track. Not that your life is screwed up or anything. I don't mean to imply that.

You'd really have a lot of respect, I think, too, if you went in the Army at this particular point in time. It wouldn't just be about helping me out of a really tough spot and everything. It would be about the uniform, which is one of respect. When you wear it, you would hold your head up high.

I think it's great and all, your coming to my aid and signing up, if you do.

Oh, another thing I mentioned before that I almost forgot about was all the amazing equipment that they would let you use if you signed up for the Army. Guns and cannons and tanks. Some really cool stuff. And that's not even to mention the advanced satellite and electronics machines. All of that! Those things are unbelievable. If you sign up, you could be learning how to use those things. That's what I did: I learned all of that stuff and it wasn't even that hard. That's what's so amazing about it.

Now that you know my story, and see that I joined and went and I turned out great, why don't you just hop on over and join, too? You like me, right? So then just do me this favor and sign up and go into the Army for me. And for you. Probably even more for you.

Because, yeah, there's so many reasons why joining the Army is a great thing for you personally. The money and the respect. And training? Also, you know, because if you could sign up that would be so nice of you. I don't want to say I need you to join up, but I would like you to. I'll seriously owe you a big one.

That's all you have to do. If I got you one of those enlistment forms, could you just sign it? I'd really, really, really, really, really appreciate it. Really. A lot.

If you make it back, I promise I'll totally do something for you. I'll help you move!

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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