adBlockCheck

Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

Wake up, people! Life is not a spectator sport. It could all end tomorrow, and there are no second chances, unless of course you're bitten by someone like me.

On the day my father passed away, I promised myself I'd live my life as though my bite transformed my victims into zombies. My dad was a good man, to be sure, but a simple man as well—the sort of guy who worked hard, never asked for more than he deserved, and never wondered what it would be like to transform people into the living dead with a single bite. Of course, he always got the short end of the stick.

He was never really happy, and I remember asking myself, at a very young age, how his life would have been different if he'd behaved as if his appetites could provide him with an army of the living dead.

It's certainly changed almost everything about my life—the way I look at people, the way I treat them, the way I bite them, hard, and then begin screaming, "Aha! I've turned yet another person into a relentless shuffling zombie! Soon my mindless hordes shall hold dominion over the entire world!"

I can honestly say that nothing's been the same since I had this insight. The words "invigorating" and "exhilarating" don't even begin to cover it.

I used to dread getting up in the morning. I wasn't much more than a mindless half-dead thing myself! But ever since I decided to stop being a zombie and start making zombies, I've begun every day with a smile.

My dark joy at commanding an army of flesh-eating undead is, of course, balanced by the knowledge that this dark gift will kill me. That knowledge forces me to take a rather poignant and bittersweet view of life. I enjoy my coffee more than I ever have before, drinking it as if it may be my last, checking the barricades on my windows and doors, biting my wife to turn her into a zombie who will now be powerless to resist my will. And just like that, I'm off to work, wide-awake, energized, and ready to go!

All my coworkers have noted the change in me. After all, if living as if I'm dying slowly from a contagious disease that turns the people I bite into flesh-eating zombies has done one thing, it's really taught me who my friends are. Once I bit our office IT guy Lowell every day for three straight weeks, turning a reticent cube drone into both a confidant and a ravenous monster that exists only to consume the flesh of the living. When I told Lowell about my contagious and fatal imaginary disease, he was intrigued. Although he's a ways from taking the bull by the horns and creating a few flesh-eaters of his own, he's treated me with a quiet respect ever since.

You'll get a lot of that if you decide to follow my path of living every day as if you're dying of a contagious disease that turns people you bite into zombies. It can be a lonely path, and as you see, it's not easy to explain exactly what you're doing and why. But it will, I promise, totally realign your world. Once you decide to seize the living and sink your teeth into their flesh and condemn them to a tortured eternity, nothing will be the same—nights at the movies, trips to the mall, air travel, nothing. And once you realize that those you bite will turn into zombies obsessed with your death and the rending of your flesh, every day will seem like a gift.

Remember, your death is inevitable—therefore, why not enjoy the limited time you have alive by enjoying all the zombies you've spawned? And above all, remember this: They can only be killed by head shots.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close