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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

Item! Texaco singing sensation Selena wows 'em the old-fashioned way—bilingually! See, "Texaco" refers to the culture of the Texas-Mexico border area, which spices up our lives with spicy food and spicy music. (Though Dr. Gittelson says I have to take it easy on the spicy food.) Now, on top of her hit ABC show about the teenage witch, Selena's joining other dead superstars like John F. Kennedy, Lou Diamond Phillips, and that sad-looking guy with the Hitler mustache who was in silent comedy movies as the subject of a big-budget Hollywood motion picture. The Outside Scoop hears that it's going to be a good, wholesome movie about the triumph of the spirit, except for the part where she gets killed by some wacko fan. I guess that's not very triumphant, but there are plenty of songs. Selena has won a new fan in Jackie Harvey, that's for sure.

Morton Downey Jr. and Robert Downey: Separated at birth? No, they probably just share the same last name. Weird to think about, though, don't you think?

Item! The summer sure is heating up with movies about seismic activity! Yes, Americans are going loco for lava, and I'm here to keep you up to date on them. The latest is a movie called Earthquake, directed by none other than the master of disaster Irwin Allen. The movie stars Mötley Crüe guitarist Tommy Lee and Ellen's girlfriend, not to mention a whole mess of magma! The slogan is "Adios To The Coast," because the ensuing destruction wipes out one of America's most scenic coasts. I won't say which one, though, because that would give away the surprise. The stage certainly seems set for Tommy to come rushing in to save the day, proving to all that man cannot be bested by tornados, volcanos, tidal waves or any other marketable natural disaster.

Speaking of Ellen, kudos to Miss DeGeneres, a class act if ever there was one. Who she chooses to hug and kiss in the privacy of her own bedroom is her own business and nobody else's. Got that, you bigoted jerks?

Edele Parks of Ashtabula, OH, writes in wanting to know what ever happened to Drew Barrymore. You know, Edele, I'm not sure! That was a good question.

Item! Golf has never been more exciting than it's been since Tiger Woods started playing. I mean, he's not doing anything different, besides being better, but there's just some kind of energy surrounding him. It's like some kind of super-likable aura that he carries which says, "Hey, I'm a nice black golfer." You sure are, Tiger. Yep, it looks like I'll have to put J.C. Snead and Curtis Strange on the back burner in favor of the young Mr. Woods as my new favorite PGA Golfer.

What's the deal with today's comics? I don't think they're very funny, like in the old days, when you had Hagar The Horrible, L'il Abner, and Al Capp, which is still around but it doesn't have the same oomph.

A moment of silence for Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko, who, like Selena, recently passed away. (Only he wasn't shot to death.) I don't know that I've ever read anything of his, but as a fellow journalist on the front lines, I know how hard it can be. So, to this fallen comrade, a toast. Here's to you, the late Mr. Royko.

Boy, Susan Anton sure is something, isn't she? The woman just keeps getting better.

I like my gossip the same way I like my pancakes: so sweet and hot they stick to your ribs. Well, here's a sweet, smokin' flapjack for you, faithful readers: According to my sources, Breakfast Club (my ninth favorite movie) co-stars Anthony Michael Hall and Ally Ringwold have been seen out and about around Tinseltown with each other. The famed Rat Packers have taken in shows, had dinner (What? Not "Breakfast"?), and just generally enjoyed each other's company. Could there be a bit of romance for these two troubled teens? A juicy tidbit like that certainly merits some follow-up, so you can be sure that Jackie Harvey will keep you posted!

Item! Can we talk? Joan Rivers, hot on the comeback trail, will be doing a few wild stunts at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas May 20, including jumping the Grand Canyon and swallowing nickels. Not since her famous hang-gliding stunt of 1989 has she put her all into a stunt to make the public say, "Huh!" Joan is still quite the consummate showperson, and she certainly knows how to wow 'em.

Well, I gotta put that ear back to the grapevine, but I just wanted to let you know that my video pick of the week is Dead Man Walking. Those characters crack me up! Well, until next time, I'll see you on the boardwalk... the boardwalk of celebrities!

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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