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Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

Item! Texaco singing sensation Selena wows 'em the old-fashioned way—bilingually! See, "Texaco" refers to the culture of the Texas-Mexico border area, which spices up our lives with spicy food and spicy music. (Though Dr. Gittelson says I have to take it easy on the spicy food.) Now, on top of her hit ABC show about the teenage witch, Selena's joining other dead superstars like John F. Kennedy, Lou Diamond Phillips, and that sad-looking guy with the Hitler mustache who was in silent comedy movies as the subject of a big-budget Hollywood motion picture. The Outside Scoop hears that it's going to be a good, wholesome movie about the triumph of the spirit, except for the part where she gets killed by some wacko fan. I guess that's not very triumphant, but there are plenty of songs. Selena has won a new fan in Jackie Harvey, that's for sure.

Morton Downey Jr. and Robert Downey: Separated at birth? No, they probably just share the same last name. Weird to think about, though, don't you think?

Item! The summer sure is heating up with movies about seismic activity! Yes, Americans are going loco for lava, and I'm here to keep you up to date on them. The latest is a movie called Earthquake, directed by none other than the master of disaster Irwin Allen. The movie stars Mötley Crüe guitarist Tommy Lee and Ellen's girlfriend, not to mention a whole mess of magma! The slogan is "Adios To The Coast," because the ensuing destruction wipes out one of America's most scenic coasts. I won't say which one, though, because that would give away the surprise. The stage certainly seems set for Tommy to come rushing in to save the day, proving to all that man cannot be bested by tornados, volcanos, tidal waves or any other marketable natural disaster.

Speaking of Ellen, kudos to Miss DeGeneres, a class act if ever there was one. Who she chooses to hug and kiss in the privacy of her own bedroom is her own business and nobody else's. Got that, you bigoted jerks?

Edele Parks of Ashtabula, OH, writes in wanting to know what ever happened to Drew Barrymore. You know, Edele, I'm not sure! That was a good question.

Item! Golf has never been more exciting than it's been since Tiger Woods started playing. I mean, he's not doing anything different, besides being better, but there's just some kind of energy surrounding him. It's like some kind of super-likable aura that he carries which says, "Hey, I'm a nice black golfer." You sure are, Tiger. Yep, it looks like I'll have to put J.C. Snead and Curtis Strange on the back burner in favor of the young Mr. Woods as my new favorite PGA Golfer.

What's the deal with today's comics? I don't think they're very funny, like in the old days, when you had Hagar The Horrible, L'il Abner, and Al Capp, which is still around but it doesn't have the same oomph.

A moment of silence for Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko, who, like Selena, recently passed away. (Only he wasn't shot to death.) I don't know that I've ever read anything of his, but as a fellow journalist on the front lines, I know how hard it can be. So, to this fallen comrade, a toast. Here's to you, the late Mr. Royko.

Boy, Susan Anton sure is something, isn't she? The woman just keeps getting better.

I like my gossip the same way I like my pancakes: so sweet and hot they stick to your ribs. Well, here's a sweet, smokin' flapjack for you, faithful readers: According to my sources, Breakfast Club (my ninth favorite movie) co-stars Anthony Michael Hall and Ally Ringwold have been seen out and about around Tinseltown with each other. The famed Rat Packers have taken in shows, had dinner (What? Not "Breakfast"?), and just generally enjoyed each other's company. Could there be a bit of romance for these two troubled teens? A juicy tidbit like that certainly merits some follow-up, so you can be sure that Jackie Harvey will keep you posted!

Item! Can we talk? Joan Rivers, hot on the comeback trail, will be doing a few wild stunts at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas May 20, including jumping the Grand Canyon and swallowing nickels. Not since her famous hang-gliding stunt of 1989 has she put her all into a stunt to make the public say, "Huh!" Joan is still quite the consummate showperson, and she certainly knows how to wow 'em.

Well, I gotta put that ear back to the grapevine, but I just wanted to let you know that my video pick of the week is Dead Man Walking. Those characters crack me up! Well, until next time, I'll see you on the boardwalk... the boardwalk of celebrities!

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