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Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

Item! Texaco singing sensation Selena wows 'em the old-fashioned way—bilingually! See, "Texaco" refers to the culture of the Texas-Mexico border area, which spices up our lives with spicy food and spicy music. (Though Dr. Gittelson says I have to take it easy on the spicy food.) Now, on top of her hit ABC show about the teenage witch, Selena's joining other dead superstars like John F. Kennedy, Lou Diamond Phillips, and that sad-looking guy with the Hitler mustache who was in silent comedy movies as the subject of a big-budget Hollywood motion picture. The Outside Scoop hears that it's going to be a good, wholesome movie about the triumph of the spirit, except for the part where she gets killed by some wacko fan. I guess that's not very triumphant, but there are plenty of songs. Selena has won a new fan in Jackie Harvey, that's for sure.

Morton Downey Jr. and Robert Downey: Separated at birth? No, they probably just share the same last name. Weird to think about, though, don't you think?

Item! The summer sure is heating up with movies about seismic activity! Yes, Americans are going loco for lava, and I'm here to keep you up to date on them. The latest is a movie called Earthquake, directed by none other than the master of disaster Irwin Allen. The movie stars Mötley Crüe guitarist Tommy Lee and Ellen's girlfriend, not to mention a whole mess of magma! The slogan is "Adios To The Coast," because the ensuing destruction wipes out one of America's most scenic coasts. I won't say which one, though, because that would give away the surprise. The stage certainly seems set for Tommy to come rushing in to save the day, proving to all that man cannot be bested by tornados, volcanos, tidal waves or any other marketable natural disaster.

Speaking of Ellen, kudos to Miss DeGeneres, a class act if ever there was one. Who she chooses to hug and kiss in the privacy of her own bedroom is her own business and nobody else's. Got that, you bigoted jerks?

Edele Parks of Ashtabula, OH, writes in wanting to know what ever happened to Drew Barrymore. You know, Edele, I'm not sure! That was a good question.

Item! Golf has never been more exciting than it's been since Tiger Woods started playing. I mean, he's not doing anything different, besides being better, but there's just some kind of energy surrounding him. It's like some kind of super-likable aura that he carries which says, "Hey, I'm a nice black golfer." You sure are, Tiger. Yep, it looks like I'll have to put J.C. Snead and Curtis Strange on the back burner in favor of the young Mr. Woods as my new favorite PGA Golfer.

What's the deal with today's comics? I don't think they're very funny, like in the old days, when you had Hagar The Horrible, L'il Abner, and Al Capp, which is still around but it doesn't have the same oomph.

A moment of silence for Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko, who, like Selena, recently passed away. (Only he wasn't shot to death.) I don't know that I've ever read anything of his, but as a fellow journalist on the front lines, I know how hard it can be. So, to this fallen comrade, a toast. Here's to you, the late Mr. Royko.

Boy, Susan Anton sure is something, isn't she? The woman just keeps getting better.

I like my gossip the same way I like my pancakes: so sweet and hot they stick to your ribs. Well, here's a sweet, smokin' flapjack for you, faithful readers: According to my sources, Breakfast Club (my ninth favorite movie) co-stars Anthony Michael Hall and Ally Ringwold have been seen out and about around Tinseltown with each other. The famed Rat Packers have taken in shows, had dinner (What? Not "Breakfast"?), and just generally enjoyed each other's company. Could there be a bit of romance for these two troubled teens? A juicy tidbit like that certainly merits some follow-up, so you can be sure that Jackie Harvey will keep you posted!

Item! Can we talk? Joan Rivers, hot on the comeback trail, will be doing a few wild stunts at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas May 20, including jumping the Grand Canyon and swallowing nickels. Not since her famous hang-gliding stunt of 1989 has she put her all into a stunt to make the public say, "Huh!" Joan is still quite the consummate showperson, and she certainly knows how to wow 'em.

Well, I gotta put that ear back to the grapevine, but I just wanted to let you know that my video pick of the week is Dead Man Walking. Those characters crack me up! Well, until next time, I'll see you on the boardwalk... the boardwalk of celebrities!

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