adBlockCheck

Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

Top Headlines

Recent News

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

Of love I have little, but of tricks I have many. My life is without the toppings with which most people frost their existence. Why? Because I, my friend, am a master trickster, an agent of deception. I forgo your swanky parties and jobs and things so I can spend my time concocting, practicing and perfecting my tricks in order to delude you. But, as it does for every trickster, the time has come for me to reveal my secrets.

For my first trick I will do my famous Fly-Shimmy, in which I take on the form of an actual fly and buzz around the toilet bowl. To do this, I wear a body suit made entirely of fruity-smelling cloth. The fruit makes my body think it's a fly. After 18 hours in the fruit suit... MEANMO! I'm a fly! Bzzzz. Don't swat me! Even though I might come near your face.

For my next trick, which I have named the Oxo-Goxo, I will inhale 1,000 pounds of air in one gulp. In order to achieve this feat I take my intestinal fluid and mix it with a carefully concocted mixture of cold steel and ice. Mix carefully, then dump the fluid down my sink, or any sink, then pray for 10 minutes, punch the wall, and take a gulp of air. GULP! I have just taken in 1,000 cubic pounds of air in one breath! Impressed? I thought you'd be!

There are so many more. This trick is called The Flämo! And in this trick I cause an actual flame to emerge from my thumb! First I eat 10 balloons, each filled with propane. Then I grunt purposefully for an hour and a half. Next, I chew on plastic and listen to the sound of the ants crawling around far, far underground. I snap my fingers and... PANG! Flame emerges from my thumb! Just like in that Jerry Lewis movie, only it's better when I do it because it's in real life, not just some movie!

There is a variation on that trick called the Switch-Digit, and for that trick I switch my fingers to where my toes normally are and put my toes at the end of my hand, like fingers. The preparation for this trick is exactly the same as for The Flämo, except instead of eating 10 balloons filled with propane I grind two toenails and two fingernails into a fine powder and then sprinkle that powder over a gorge. Again, I snap my fingers and TING! My digits have been switched! (This is a trick I recommend you perform at cocktail parties.)

A big trick I'll do is called Where-iz-it?!? This is the trick where I make the Grand Canyon disappear. First, I take everyone who wants to see my trick to the Grand Canyon. "Ooh, look at the magnificent canyon!" I tell them. Then I blindfold everyone and lead them on to a school bus I rented and drive away to someplace that looks like it could have a Grand Canyon but doesn't. I take everyone off the bus, remove their blindfolds, and... ZIMBAH! No Grand Canyon! This trick is a real knockout.

I have one trick, Banana-Atra, where I shave my face using nothing but a banana. Sadly, due to the nature of this trick, I cannot reveal how this is done. I can only say that I use my mouth to make noises. That's a shave!

I have saved my best trick for last: the Multiple Orgasm, and yes, this is the trick where I bend my leg at the knee in every impossible direction. First, I have seven orgasms real fast, right in a row. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Wham! Zip! BAM! Next thing you know I'm bending my knee in ways you never thought a knee could be bent! That's the kind of trick people will pay money to see. At least, I know I would.

I have one more trick, Apple Cordelius, where I eat eight dozen apples in 24 seconds, cores and all, but I can't remember how I do it.

The life of one who does tricks is not an easy life. Not because of all the tricks, but because life is hard no matter who you are or what you do. I do the tricks.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close