Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

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Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!
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Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

Of love I have little, but of tricks I have many. My life is without the toppings with which most people frost their existence. Why? Because I, my friend, am a master trickster, an agent of deception. I forgo your swanky parties and jobs and things so I can spend my time concocting, practicing and perfecting my tricks in order to delude you. But, as it does for every trickster, the time has come for me to reveal my secrets.

For my first trick I will do my famous Fly-Shimmy, in which I take on the form of an actual fly and buzz around the toilet bowl. To do this, I wear a body suit made entirely of fruity-smelling cloth. The fruit makes my body think it's a fly. After 18 hours in the fruit suit... MEANMO! I'm a fly! Bzzzz. Don't swat me! Even though I might come near your face.

For my next trick, which I have named the Oxo-Goxo, I will inhale 1,000 pounds of air in one gulp. In order to achieve this feat I take my intestinal fluid and mix it with a carefully concocted mixture of cold steel and ice. Mix carefully, then dump the fluid down my sink, or any sink, then pray for 10 minutes, punch the wall, and take a gulp of air. GULP! I have just taken in 1,000 cubic pounds of air in one breath! Impressed? I thought you'd be!

There are so many more. This trick is called The Flämo! And in this trick I cause an actual flame to emerge from my thumb! First I eat 10 balloons, each filled with propane. Then I grunt purposefully for an hour and a half. Next, I chew on plastic and listen to the sound of the ants crawling around far, far underground. I snap my fingers and... PANG! Flame emerges from my thumb! Just like in that Jerry Lewis movie, only it's better when I do it because it's in real life, not just some movie!

There is a variation on that trick called the Switch-Digit, and for that trick I switch my fingers to where my toes normally are and put my toes at the end of my hand, like fingers. The preparation for this trick is exactly the same as for The Flämo, except instead of eating 10 balloons filled with propane I grind two toenails and two fingernails into a fine powder and then sprinkle that powder over a gorge. Again, I snap my fingers and TING! My digits have been switched! (This is a trick I recommend you perform at cocktail parties.)

A big trick I'll do is called Where-iz-it?!? This is the trick where I make the Grand Canyon disappear. First, I take everyone who wants to see my trick to the Grand Canyon. "Ooh, look at the magnificent canyon!" I tell them. Then I blindfold everyone and lead them on to a school bus I rented and drive away to someplace that looks like it could have a Grand Canyon but doesn't. I take everyone off the bus, remove their blindfolds, and... ZIMBAH! No Grand Canyon! This trick is a real knockout.

I have one trick, Banana-Atra, where I shave my face using nothing but a banana. Sadly, due to the nature of this trick, I cannot reveal how this is done. I can only say that I use my mouth to make noises. That's a shave!

I have saved my best trick for last: the Multiple Orgasm, and yes, this is the trick where I bend my leg at the knee in every impossible direction. First, I have seven orgasms real fast, right in a row. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Wham! Zip! BAM! Next thing you know I'm bending my knee in ways you never thought a knee could be bent! That's the kind of trick people will pay money to see. At least, I know I would.

I have one more trick, Apple Cordelius, where I eat eight dozen apples in 24 seconds, cores and all, but I can't remember how I do it.

The life of one who does tricks is not an easy life. Not because of all the tricks, but because life is hard no matter who you are or what you do. I do the tricks.

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