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How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

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What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

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Treat Yourself Right

This past year was a tough time for Smoove. You may remember that early on in the year, my favorite white silk suit was ruined by my dry cleaner. Not only did this mean losing one of my freshest outfits, but it also meant having to search for a new cleaner, as the trust between us had been broken beyond repair. The search for a new dry cleaner was ultimately successful, but it was long and exhausting.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.
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Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

Of love I have little, but of tricks I have many. My life is without the toppings with which most people frost their existence. Why? Because I, my friend, am a master trickster, an agent of deception. I forgo your swanky parties and jobs and things so I can spend my time concocting, practicing and perfecting my tricks in order to delude you. But, as it does for every trickster, the time has come for me to reveal my secrets.

For my first trick I will do my famous Fly-Shimmy, in which I take on the form of an actual fly and buzz around the toilet bowl. To do this, I wear a body suit made entirely of fruity-smelling cloth. The fruit makes my body think it's a fly. After 18 hours in the fruit suit... MEANMO! I'm a fly! Bzzzz. Don't swat me! Even though I might come near your face.

For my next trick, which I have named the Oxo-Goxo, I will inhale 1,000 pounds of air in one gulp. In order to achieve this feat I take my intestinal fluid and mix it with a carefully concocted mixture of cold steel and ice. Mix carefully, then dump the fluid down my sink, or any sink, then pray for 10 minutes, punch the wall, and take a gulp of air. GULP! I have just taken in 1,000 cubic pounds of air in one breath! Impressed? I thought you'd be!

There are so many more. This trick is called The Flämo! And in this trick I cause an actual flame to emerge from my thumb! First I eat 10 balloons, each filled with propane. Then I grunt purposefully for an hour and a half. Next, I chew on plastic and listen to the sound of the ants crawling around far, far underground. I snap my fingers and... PANG! Flame emerges from my thumb! Just like in that Jerry Lewis movie, only it's better when I do it because it's in real life, not just some movie!

There is a variation on that trick called the Switch-Digit, and for that trick I switch my fingers to where my toes normally are and put my toes at the end of my hand, like fingers. The preparation for this trick is exactly the same as for The Flämo, except instead of eating 10 balloons filled with propane I grind two toenails and two fingernails into a fine powder and then sprinkle that powder over a gorge. Again, I snap my fingers and TING! My digits have been switched! (This is a trick I recommend you perform at cocktail parties.)

A big trick I'll do is called Where-iz-it?!? This is the trick where I make the Grand Canyon disappear. First, I take everyone who wants to see my trick to the Grand Canyon. "Ooh, look at the magnificent canyon!" I tell them. Then I blindfold everyone and lead them on to a school bus I rented and drive away to someplace that looks like it could have a Grand Canyon but doesn't. I take everyone off the bus, remove their blindfolds, and... ZIMBAH! No Grand Canyon! This trick is a real knockout.

I have one trick, Banana-Atra, where I shave my face using nothing but a banana. Sadly, due to the nature of this trick, I cannot reveal how this is done. I can only say that I use my mouth to make noises. That's a shave!

I have saved my best trick for last: the Multiple Orgasm, and yes, this is the trick where I bend my leg at the knee in every impossible direction. First, I have seven orgasms real fast, right in a row. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Wham! Zip! BAM! Next thing you know I'm bending my knee in ways you never thought a knee could be bent! That's the kind of trick people will pay money to see. At least, I know I would.

I have one more trick, Apple Cordelius, where I eat eight dozen apples in 24 seconds, cores and all, but I can't remember how I do it.

The life of one who does tricks is not an easy life. Not because of all the tricks, but because life is hard no matter who you are or what you do. I do the tricks.

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