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Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me

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Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me

Well, here we are again. The nation is on the brink of a fiscal catastrophe, and the leaders of Congress and myself have repeatedly failed to reach a compromise. Sure, we’re going to try to avert this crisis with a series of tense negotiations, but the fact is, it’s come down to this: Either I have to murder John Boehner or he has to murder me.

Plain and simple.

I wish I could say there was some other way to deal with the current situation, but no matter how many times I go into a series of discussions with our Speaker of the House, all the while struggling to find even a shred of common ground between us, the answer just becomes more clear as each day passes. One of us has to kill the other. There’s no other way out of this. It can either be me murdering him or him murdering me (though I’d prefer to live), but either way, one of us has to die so the nation can finally move on from this constant fight over the budget.

John completely agrees with me on this point. Just the other day we were in the Oval Office, once again going back and forth about our different views on tax cuts and the government’s long-term deficit for the umpteenth time, and I looked him dead in the eye and finally asked point-blank: “John, do you think one of us is going to have to murder the other?” He responded, “Yes, I think so,” and we both left the room.

It was the easiest discussion we’ve ever had.

We also have both Democrats and Republicans in unanimous agreement on this issue. Sure, for a while we thought it could all be resolved if either John or I knocked the other unconscious until after this deadline passed, or if we maybe just had Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell fight to the death on our behalf, or if we acted like adults and talked to one another, but we eventually realized that John and I are the key players here and this country isn’t big enough for the two of us. So hopefully I’ll murder him and that’ll be that. But if it ends up that he murders me first, well, then so be it.

Look, I know you’re thinking to yourself that there must be some other solution to our problems. There is not. Trust me. The President of the United States or the Speaker of the House of Representatives has to be violently murdered in order for the United States government to move past its differences. Is it sad? Sure. Is it ideal that the nation will have to see one of its most respected leaders become a cold-blooded killer? Of course not. But, nonetheless, here we are.

I mean, do any of you have a better idea? I sure don’t.

Here are some ways I see this all happening. First, Boehner walks into the Oval Office expecting to see me at my desk, but I’m not there. Then I come from behind and smash his head in with the Abraham Lincoln bust and he collapses to the ground. Or maybe I disguise myself as a member of the House and, once Boehner calls a session to order, I run up and stab him 500 times. Or maybe it’s just as simple as breaking into his home at night and smothering him to death with a pillow. I might have to kill his wife, too, but I’ll just chalk that up to collateral damage. I know it sounds brutal, but I’m sure he’s sitting in his office right now thinking of his own ideas for killing me.

Perhaps we could just go out onto a field, run at each other with swords, and whoever dies, dies. That might be the fairest way to get this done and finally move forward. And it actually sounds kind of fun.

So, just to give everyone a heads up: In a week or so, the U.S. populace will either be mourning the death of Barack Obama or the death of John Boehner. It’ll be sad at first, sure, but ultimately it’s a good thing. At least everyone will finally know where this country is headed.

Nothing for nothing, but I’d like to strangle him with a piano wire while Eric Cantor is forced to watch.

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